Doomsday Prophecies

Every single civilization that has lived enough to go past not starving and not letting dragons or wildcats or whatever, kill the hell out of them has made itself this very question: How, the holy horses, are we going down?
Every. Single.ONE has asked that question (Seriously, go check if you don't take our word for it).
Now, here at Cracked we ain't no Persian messenger, and, we do believe this ain't 300. However, we do have some bad news for you fellas: All of those civilizations agreed on something...

YOU'RE GONNA DIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

Yes kind sir or lady (Or anything, if you're reading this, you're dead). You are walking the plank like it or not, and there's just plenty of ways for you to do it. The worst part is that we're at the very edge of said plank RIGHT NOW if we are to believe these guys.

Some of course, give us more time than other. There's the Talmud for example (What jews use), giving us until year 6000, which ain't so bad, thinking we're a few millennia away from there. Unless... (There's always an unless) they're counting since the creation of the world, which then just give us until year 2240 and not a day more! And admit it! you were hoping you could freeze yourself and wake up then with millions in that bank account in which you left a penny yesterday.

And that's the optimistic guys right there, for we have the Latter-day saints who, besides being a bit full of themselves, are pretty self explanatory, and these people have been around since 1843, when they were too disappointed at the realization that everything didn't suddenly explode. So they've been waiting a while now, and we don't need to say we're making them look bad with this not dying thing.

In the middle ground we have everyone else, from Bob Marley and his fellas (Rastafarianism) who believe Haile Selassie (died in 1975) was god incarnated, to "name-your-brand-of-christians" (Except catholics, more on that later) who not only see the end any time now, but our dear lord Jesus Christ showing up in kettle corn as proof that they're right. It's all going to happen either a few years ago or a few years from now.

And let's not forget the mayans and their 2012 awesome marketing please.

Oh and Nostradamus gives only two popes to go, and there's no need to say the one we have right now isn't getting any younger right? (If there is, he's 82, so just do the math).

All in all the prophecies go like this:

A. Some nasty shit happens. Say wars, people starving, the sun won't shine... in a nutshell: Your standard Terminator scenario (Skynet might or might not show up in the bible and other sacred texts)

B. Some great handsome, I'm-awesome-at-everything, bullets-can't-kill-me, I'm-fucking-James-Bond dude shows up and saves us. But he's evil... but we don't know it cause he's so good looking!!, but he's eeeeevil to the bone, so he saves us and then enslaves us and just rules the world.

This guy is called the Anti-Christ usually, even by not christian fellas like Islamic people, so we suspect good ol' Jesus patented the name and made it mandatory for everyone else, adding some hip to that time when he finally shows up to beat the bastard, hopefully WWE style. Minus the bad narrators.

C. Humans suffer more but then Jesus shows up and saves the day. But first he kills everybody. Wait... WHAT?... He does. He's Jesus dammit!. But only so he can resurrect them. We're not kidding. Well just a bit. He might let the ones breathing at the time not die, but just maybe, it changes according to the branch of christianity.

Other religions have variants on that C scenario that go from "We all die and that's it", to "We're saved by aliens and taken to another planet", all with their own dates and agendas.

All of this, as stated before, happens in a time span of +-200 years from now, according to the majority of religions, some give more time like say, the Buddhism, which give us around 3,500 years to go.

But there are 3 exceptions that just won't give a date at all:

Catholicism: While you might blame these guys for starting the whole Anti-Christ thing going, they are remarkably wary to give a specific date to the event. They give the lame excuse of Jesus saying "Nobody knows the day or the hour, not even me", or something of the sort. But we all know he was bluffing and he kinda told Peter or John or someone around there. Expect a Dan Brown novel on the subject soon.

Islam: These guys place the end on the time when the sun begins to die, so that should give us a couple million years at least, the Sunni Islam (what most muslims follow) just don't give any time at all, just as catholics, they give some sings more than anything.

Hinduism: Gandhi's pals have it all covered with just having no end at all. They just claim there's cycles and at worse, we'll just begin again eventually. They say each cycle lasts for 8.64 billion years. Since the universe is believed to be between 13.5 and 14 billion years old, and these being cycles that there's no way of knowing when they start or when they end, that's english for: whenever.

So the world's 3 biggest religions just won't give a damn number. We're thinking either they hired better marketing people (If you don't give a date you can't be wrong when we don't die! GENIOUS), or there's actually no way to know, we just can't tell.

Oh and did we mention a google search on "End of the world" throws the absurd amount of 219,000,000 pages? To put that in perspective, a search for "Porn", the whole porn, THE internet porn, throws 154,000,000. That's 65 million less. Are we obsessed or what?

And lastly, we know we said take our word for it, but don't. This is a comedy site, not a friggin temple. If you're really worried about this, go talk to a priest, or a rabbi or your uncle, or just somebody.

Oh and in case you were wondering... THIS is Lucy Pinder: