Autoerotic Asphyxiation

Partially hanging yourself while masturbating is a bad idea. So is jerking off in the bathtub while holding a toaster over your head, but people actually do the hanging thing. It's called autoerotic asphyxiation and we don't recommend it.

Safety Tips: Don't Fucking Do It

 

There's really no safe way to strangle yourself into an orgasm.  We suppose you could leave a decoy suicide note, so if all goes wrong people will think you were depressed, rather than too incompetent to jerk off and live.  But when your masturbation routine requires more convoluted scheming than a John Grisham novel, it might be time to reevaluate things.
 

The AE Contingency Suicide Note

 
As little as seven pounds of pressure will collapse the carotid artery, producing unconsciousness within seconds. It’s nearly impossible to regulate the amount of pressure you’re putting on your neck with the wrong kind of bow-tie, and even the best sailor’s knots have a nasty habit of slipping. Deprived of oxygen, the chemistry of your blood changes, which can throw the heart into deadly arrhythmic abnormalities or cause cardiac arrest (science words!). So even if you have the balls to ask one of your friends to hang out while you masturbate with your mom's pantyhose tied around your neck, and even if they get to your naked, fully-erect body BEFORE you choke to death, you could still die of a heart attack while waiting for the EMTs to take you on a very awkward ambulance ride.

 

Consider Your Legacy

You can't put INXS's "Suicide Blonde" on the jukebox without some smart ass at the bar going "That's ironic! You know how that guy died?" Yes we do, and it's all we can think about every time we play "Kick." When we first heard about the death of David Carradine, we were saddened to think the Kill Bill star had killed himself, but as more details emerged we were just skeeved out thinking about a naked 72 year-old man dying while he masturbated in a hotel closet.
 
 
 
At our funerals people should be swapping stories about the time we saved that orphanage full of injured kittens from a fire, or when we defeated terrorism by having sex with a roomful of the hottest people on earth. They shouldn’t be avoiding eye contact with each other while trying to forget you died buck-ass naked furiously rubbing one out.
 
Let the jizz-tarnished memories of Carradine and Hutchence lead the way through the dark hotel closets of our erotic souls…

 

 
Please don't do it.