Audie Murphy,one of the most decorated soldiers in World War 2 without a mustache. I know what you guys are saying over there. How can a man be so badass without having a lady tickler? Well I'm about to show you!
Just The Facts
- During WW2 earned both the Medal Of Honor and the French Legion Of Honor.
- In his breif acting career he starred in 44 American films.
- Weighed only about 145 lbs. Half of that was probably his massive balls.
Hows Babies Are Made; The Man Way
Sugar, spice, and everything nice, fuck that's the Powder-Puff Girls. Well Audie Murphy did have some interesting ingredients also I guess (Penis + Vagina = Baby?). Little Audie was born in Celeste, Texas in 1926. While being born in Texas already sounds bad enough, he was the sixth of twelve children. That's basically like Malcolm in the Middle multiplied by 3 (Cracked doesn't pay for College silly!). After his father abandoned the family Audie had to work to support his them himself. He did this by working at whatever farm would hire him at the time. After his mother died, at fifteen Audie had to put his siblings in an orphanage.
"Don't worry Charles, I'm sure this isn't the house from 'Elephant Man'"
In June 1942, Audie pulled a Frank Abagnale, and lied about his age to be enlisted in the military (He was 16, which in those days was equal to 18 anyways). During basic training he once passed out during a drill. His commander wanted to have him transferred to be a cook, but because of Audie being such a cutie pants (no homo?) he was granted his wish of finishing his 13 weeks of basic training.
Little Man, Big Gun
While in Italy saving Mario or something (seriously why else would America go there? The Mona Lisa? More like Lisa Moaning), Audie shot two Italians who were trying to escape. By doing this he was promoted to Corporal and you though killing people was bad hah! The event he was most likely is known for though, was on August 15, 1944, when Audie's close friend was killed by a German machine gun nest while trying to surrender. Of course like most badasses, Murphy hulked the fuck out and killed everyone in that nest. Then completely t-bagging any of the Rambo's movies, he stole the German machine gun and preceded to wipe out several other German nests.
"Who says I can't look good while shooting bitches up?"
Just give up Germany
Now if you balls haven't already burst into flames from that alone, Mr. Murphy went on to throw a monkey wrench in even more of Germany's "don't threw monkey wrenches in here" machines. But first, do you remember that time when you got injured by a sniper's ricocheting bullet? No? What about that time, when you returned back to work, and then almost got blown the fuck up by a mortar round that killed two of your homies? Wait, that didn't happen to you? That weird, because all that happened to Audie Murphy.
Yeah, imagine that on your way to your job at Kinko's buddy.
It seems like God just wanted to get back at Murphy for stealing his godly testicles. Mostly because just after Audie recovered from the mortar round the battle at Holtzwihr, France began. Other than it only being 14 damn degrees outside, Audie's unit wasn't just outnumbered but also running out of ammo. Evidently Audie couldn't count or just didn't give a fuck anymore and jumped on a BURNING TANK and started shooting down Germans left and right. If you haven't notice the words "burning" and "tank" doesn't sound like they should be in the same sentence to you, then your normal (and by normal, I mean still living with your parents).
This would make a good album cover
Audie basically fought this battle by himself for about an hour, until his phone rang and he organized a counter attack that was successful. Audie earned the Medal of Honor, for his actions in this battle. During his entire service in the Army though, it is said that Murphy earned every medal that the U.S. had to offer and also a few from other countries. This is much more significant that you're Halo 3achievements for pwning newbs.