Maya Prophecies

The Maya, one of Mesoamericas most advanced civilizations did many things. They had highly developed architecture and the only known written language in the pre-columbian era. Oh yeah, and a calendar that predicted the end of the world.

Nothing says 'Doomsday Calendar' like a fucking scary angry faced tablet.

Just The Facts

  1. The Maya didn't just use one calendar, they used 3, with different cycles and lengths. A 260-day calendar, the Tzolk'in would intertwine with a 365 day calendar, the Haab. After 52 of our Earth years had passed, this would form a 'Calendar Round'
  2. Not only was this highly confusing,they had a third calendar known as the 'Long Count'. This was used to continue time after the other calendars, y'know..ran out of years. Not the best solution, but clearly the most beaurocratic.
  3. However, not content to just let time be, the calendar of the Long Count will eventually run out. When it eventually does, the world will end.
  4. Wait, what?

It's The End Of The World As We Know It

On December 12, 2012, the current and last cycle of the b'ak'tun will come to an end. The ending of a cycle held great significance to the Maya, but this is where things get a bit, well, shady. It doesn't actually SAY we're going to die, it just ends. Now, some boring old scientists are pretty sure the world wont end and that the Maya just didn't get around to making a new calendar, on account of the whole 'Spanish Conquest' thing.

But we'd be foolish to just hope for the best and lets be honest, you didn't start reading this to be told fuck all's going to happen. So next up, here's how it all goes to pot and trust me, its as crazy as it sounded.

The Age of Aquarius

Yes ladies and gents, our first scenario is everyones favourite excuse for a mass shag, the coming of the Age of Aquarius.

Due to a wobble in the Earths orbit, every year the constellations (those pretty sky pictures sailors use to either navigate or add a pleasant backdrop to all that rum-induced sodomy) move slightly further across the sky. Currently, the first constellation that peeps over the horizon is currently Pisces, but by 2012 this will have shifted slightly to become Aquarius.

Cue much nudity, free love and hemp. How this works I'm not sure, but hey, who am I to question?

The Poles! The Poles!

Now, this is more like it. Another scenario has us facing the imminent shifting of the magnetic poles with each other due to a massive solar flare. Imagine 100 billion Nuclear warheads detonating on the sun, and we're getting close.

Now, north suddenly being on the bottom may not sound like much but think about it. No more pampered southern jokes (if your English), no more 'land down under' for Australia. South Africa would become North Africa, with world war not far behind (hey, weirder things have happened)

Thats No Moon..

Ah yes, for our last impending death, I give you Nibiru

Yeah, thats a fucking PLANET hitting the Earth. You can almost see the god-size 'FAIL' caption floating towards it.