Adam And Eve

The start of mens and ladies because Baby Jesus certainly didn't mean for us to come from no monkeys.

Eating from the Tree of Knowledge was a sin.  The Bush of Bandersnatch was okay, though.

Just The Facts

  1. According to books more valid than science, Adam and Eve were the first humans.
  2. Adam and Eve lived in paradise. And then they (specifically Eve) fucked it up.
  3. Eve set the women's movement back by 6,000 years.
  4. Adam and Eve were possibly aliens, clones, or Cylons.

The Greatest Porno Ever Told

In the beginning, God was alone, and He wanted to see someone doing "it." However, "someones" and "doing it" didn't exist, so He created a universe to fulfill his Almighty whims. God could have created a she-God instead, but He didn't; don't ask why, His will is mysterious.

God put in a hard week, and on the seventh day, He created Adam from dirt. And just like when you sculpted people out of Play-Doh, God gave Adam a penis and boobs. According to certain interpreptations of the Hebrew Bible, Adam was originally hermaphroditic, sharing a body with his first wife Lilith. On the one hand, Lilith could never deny Adamn touching her boobs because they were his boobs too. On the other hand, many a fight broke out over pooping.

Eventually, Lilith got tired of Adam's shit, ripped herself from their body, and flew away to birth demons and inspire Canadian soft rock festivals.

God grew weary of sad Adam's sad masturbation. Adam was only a few days old; he was still at the unsatisfying speed-jerk phase, and there was no one around to show him more advanced styles such as the Flying Dutchman or the Five Finger Exploding Palm Technique. God set the tone for all future male/female relationships by making Adam's new wife Eve from one of Adam's stolen ribs.


They were naked and not attached. So they boned. A lot. In the trees. On the grass. Near the lake. On top of fire ants. Behind a herd of yaks. All the animals watched them. Sometimes the animals joined in. And nobody called them furries or judged them. It was great.

Well, there was a period of readjustment as Adam had to reinvent sex. It took them a few tries to get it right.

They had to invent sex, so it took a few tries to get it right.

This was try 142.

Cleaning your lover's poop out of your anus with leaves and pine cones aside, everything in the Garden of Eden was wonderful. Perfect. Bitchin', even. And then Adam and Even went and blew it. Or more specifically, Eve blew it.

Is Adam Gonna Have to Choke a Bitch?

Eve was stupid. Remember that girl you went to high school with? The one that, when the biology teacher explained that semen has sugars in it, blurted, "But why does it taste salty?"? Eve was dumber than her. In the Garden of Eden, everything was perfect. There was plenty of food. And water. All kinds of freaky sex and delicious animals. And there was no such thing as pollution, war, talk radio, or hate crimes.

There were velociraptors, but they lived in harmony with Adam and Eve; Adam and Eve rode raptors, like, all the time on their commute between home and the Enchanted Forest of Buggery.

There was no such thing as death. Death was nonexistant! If you wanted to climb to the top of a tree and leap off shouting, "Damn you, gravity!" you could with no repercussions. To quote Genessis 2:13 "Everything was, like, totally awesome."

But one day Eve talked to a snake. Some scholars indicate that this snake was Satan or an agent of Satan, but regardless, it was a talking snake and Eden wasn't Donkey Kong Country. Eve should have known something was up.

In the Garden of Eden, there was a Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil which God had forbade Adam and Eve to eat from because if they knew the difference between right and wrong, God would have to hold them accountable everytime Adam stuck his weiner in a duck or Eve blew a goat, and God wasn't about to give that up. Despite having a whole pallet of sin-free debauchery, Eve let the snake talk her into eating from the Tree.

Knowing she had done wrong, she got Adam to eat from it so he would go down too. Perhaps she knew about Lilith and figured Adam would get an even better wife with six boobs or something.

First, Adam and Eve realized they were naked and hid their shame with fig leaves, inspiring a million slutty Halloween costumes. Next, they realized God was going to be ticked. And He was. Not only did He kick them out of Eden, but... Well, let's run through the list of things Eve's mistake got the human race, shall we?

  • Death
  • Menstruation (for women)
  • Intense pains during childbirth (for women)
  • Intense nagging during menstruation and pregnancy (for men)
  • Hunger
  • That guilty filling when you masturbate in front of your dog
  • That little voice that says, "Hey, sitting outside Natalie Portman's bedroom window is wrong."
  • A ban on sodomy

Eve set homosexuals back indefinitely.

In short, Eve may be the greatest villain in history. Or at least the biggest fuck-up. But in her defense, all of this comes from The Bible which is one of the most sexist works of fiction in literature.

"Oops! I Was Wrong! It Was Earth All Along!"

The story of Adam and Eve has had a lasting and significant impact on popular culture, in science fiction and anime particularly.

A common trope in science fiction is the story where Adam and Eve are space travelers who founded Earth thousands of years ago. This plot became so cliche that by the 1950s, most science fiction literary magazines immediately dismissed such stories without a second look. However, this did not stop the producers of Battlestar Galactica from letting it ruin their television show. And the eleventh episode of the first season of The X-Files introduced a government cloning project where the male clones are "Adams" and the female clones are "Eves." This was a prologue to the whole alien-human-hybrid-colonization nonsense that would be made up as the show went along for nine years.

Adam and Eve's story gets more convoluted in Anime, where the show Neon Genesis Evangelion dimisses Eve, reunites Adam with Lilith, and positions both of them as angels. Also, Lilith is pinned to a cross by the spear that killed Jesus, and she/it is, like, a story tall. It doesn't make any sense, but it's Japan; who are we to question a people who will probably pilot Gundams in World War III?

Oh, Adam and Eve also inspired some art:

Adam and Eve's Many Mistakes and Beatings by George Lucas Cranach

Eve Takes Fruit from Snake-Baby While Adam Steals Second by Titian (Heh. Tit...)

Adam Pulls God Finger by That Ninja Turtle That Liked Pizza (The Stoner One)

Happy Ending

But the story isn't all bad. We're here, right? You're reading this and wondering what Michael Swaim looks like without a shirt. That's something. You're alive. So you should take this moment to appreciate that Adam fathered the human race instead of spraying Cain and Abel all over Eve's face.

Adam sprays Cain and Abel all over Eve's face. Mmm...