Guns does for fighting what alcohol does for sex. It puts the smaller weaker person on an even playing field.)

What is a gun?

"A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state,
the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed."

-Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution.

Guns come in many shapes and sizes. Guns are an important because they keep us safe from bad guys and are cool to shoot.


Handguns, also known as pistols, fit in the shooter's hand. They are compact, powerful, and lethal. Shown below, the hollow point bullet is especially damaging as the bullet flatens against the target making a bigger hole.

Handguns are standard issue for law enforcement and drug dealers. Handguns can be hidden on the person (illegal in most states), and in some cases, concealed in special gun underwear (See Cracked article 10 Things that will not end well):

Best used against - Home invaiders, bank robbers, street thugs, non-boss zombies.

Pros: Small, compact, good range, quick reload, can turn sideways for added effect, extremely sexy.

Cons: Not as powerful as rifles or shotguns.


Shotguns are powerful weapons that contain a shell that looks like this:

Instead of having a single bullet, the shotgun shoots out several smaller pellets that create a powerful spread. The limitation is that the range is not as long as a rifle or a handgun.

Since shotgun blasts can cover a wider area than a single bullet, they are useful for self defense because you don't have to take the time to aim. The following devices show how others have capitalized on shotgun self defense:

Shotgun flashlight (See Cracked article: The 13 Most Irresponsible Self Defense Gadgets Money Can Buy)

The shotgun flashlight is a regular flashlight that has been modified to fire a shotgun round out the back.

Shotgun bed mount (See Cracked article: 7 Safety Products for the Incredibly Paranoid)

For those who like hte comfort of sleeping with a shotgun under your pillow, here is a better, "safer" solution - mount it to your bed.

Best used against: Zombies, T1000s

Pros: Wide spread, powerful
Cons: short range, limited shell capacity


Rifles, named for the rifling of the long barrel, shoots a bullet that spirals like a football a very long distance. Rifles can be very powerful. Sniper rifles, in particular, can be especially dangerous. Snipers use rifles to shoot from very long distances.

Best used against: Terrorists, pirates.

3 U.S. Navy Seal snipers make 3 simultaneous shots from the deck of a ship straight into the faces of three pirates who were in a life boat that was being tossed around on the ocean:

Pros: Long range, powerful, accurate.
Cons: Not easily concealed, limited magazine.

Automatic guns

Automatic guns fire multiple rounds each time you pull the trigger. By holding down the trigger, a shooter can spray an area with bullets. M16 automatic rifles are used by the United States military, while the AK-47s are used by the mother-hating, Hellbound, cowardly Taliban.

Automatic handguns: Not all automatic weapons are rifles. Some pistols are automatic as well.

Pros: fires multiple rounds per second
Cons: subject to jam

Incredibly awesome guns

1. Rail guns (See Cracked article: 5 Deadly Sci-fi Gadgets You Can Build at Home)

2. Potato guns

Potato guns can be inexpensively built with items from your local hardware store and some good old potatoes from the grocery store. Basically, there is a chamber that contains a flammable gas. When the gas is ignited, it creates an explosion that pushes the potato out the barrel with incredible power.

3. Rocket launchers

Rocket launchers shoot an explosive rocket at a target for maximum damage.

4. Lasers (See Cracked article: 5 Deadly Sci-fi Gadgets You Can Build at Home) - Lasers focus light to cut through things or catch things on fire.

Defense against guns

1. Tell someone the safety is on, kick them/karate punch - one of the most powerful and effective gun defense techniques.
2. Krav Maga (See crackd article: 6 Great Martial Arts for Killing a Man with Your Bare Hands or the Martial Arts topic page) - Krav Maga is an Israeli martial art that focuses on real world combat situations. This means defending yourslef from gun attacks.

3. Bullet proof vest/back pack (Again, see Cracked article: 7 Safety Products for the Incredibly Paranoid)

The bulletproof backpack is great for kids because then they never have to worry about getting shot in the back.

4. Dodging - Although this is one of the most effective methods, it can only be done by two people - Remo Williams and Remo Williams's sensei.