Guns
Guns does for fighting what alcohol does for sex. It puts the smaller weaker person on an even playing field.
What is a gun?
"A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state,
the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed."
-Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution.
Guns come in many shapes and sizes. Guns are an important because they keep us safe from bad guys and are cool to shoot.
Handguns
Handguns, also known as pistols, fit in the shooter's hand. They are compact, powerful, and lethal. Shown below, the hollow point bullet is especially damaging as the bullet flatens against the target making a bigger hole.
Handguns are standard issue for law enforcement and drug dealers. Handguns can be hidden on the person (illegal in most states), and in some cases, concealed in special gun underwear (See Cracked article 10 Things that will not end well):
Best used against - Home invaiders, bank robbers, street thugs, non-boss zombies.
Pros: Small, compact, good range, quick reload, can turn sideways for added effect, extremely sexy.
Cons: Not as powerful as rifles or shotguns.
Shotguns
Shotguns are powerful weapons that contain a shell that looks like this:
Instead of having a single bullet, the shotgun shoots out several smaller pellets that create a powerful spread. The limitation is that the range is not as long as a rifle or a handgun.
Since shotgun blasts can cover a wider area than a single bullet, they are useful for self defense because you don't have to take the time to aim. The following devices show how others have capitalized on shotgun self defense:
Shotgun flashlight (See Cracked article: The 13 Most Irresponsible Self Defense Gadgets Money Can Buy)
The shotgun flashlight is a regular flashlight that has been modified to fire a shotgun round out the back.
Shotgun bed mount (See Cracked article: 7 Safety Products for the Incredibly Paranoid)
For those who like hte comfort of sleeping with a shotgun under your pillow, here is a better, "safer" solution - mount it to your bed.
Best used against: Zombies, T1000s
Pros: Wide spread, powerful
Cons: short range, limited shell capacity
Rifles
Rifles, named for the rifling of the long barrel, shoots a bullet that spirals like a football a very long distance. Rifles can be very powerful. Sniper rifles, in particular, can be especially dangerous. Snipers use rifles to shoot from very long distances.
Best used against: Terrorists, pirates.
3 U.S. Navy Seal snipers make 3 simultaneous shots from the deck of a ship straight into the faces of three pirates who were in a life boat that was being tossed around on the ocean:
Pros: Long range, powerful, accurate.
Cons: Not easily concealed, limited magazine.
Automatic guns
Automatic guns fire multiple rounds each time you pull the trigger. By holding down the trigger, a shooter can spray an area with bullets. M16 automatic rifles are used by the United States military, while the AK-47s are used by the mother-hating, Hellbound, cowardly Taliban.
Automatic handguns: Not all automatic weapons are rifles. Some pistols are automatic as well.
Pros: fires multiple rounds per second
Cons: subject to jam
Incredibly awesome guns
1. Rail guns (See Cracked article: 5 Deadly Sci-fi Gadgets You Can Build at Home)
2. Potato guns
Potato guns can be inexpensively built with items from your local hardware store and some good old potatoes from the grocery store. Basically, there is a chamber that contains a flammable gas. When the gas is ignited, it creates an explosion that pushes the potato out the barrel with incredible power.
3. Rocket launchers
Rocket launchers shoot an explosive rocket at a target for maximum damage.
4. Lasers (See Cracked article: 5 Deadly Sci-fi Gadgets You Can Build at Home) - Lasers focus light to cut through things or catch things on fire.
Defense against guns
1. Tell someone the safety is on, kick them/karate punch - one of the most powerful and effective gun defense techniques.
2. Krav Maga (See crackd article: 6 Great Martial Arts for Killing a Man with Your Bare Hands or the Martial Arts topic page) - Krav Maga is an Israeli martial art that focuses on real world combat situations. This means defending yourslef from gun attacks.
3. Bullet proof vest/back pack (Again, see Cracked article: 7 Safety Products for the Incredibly Paranoid)
The bulletproof backpack is great for kids because then they never have to worry about getting shot in the back.
4. Dodging - Although this is one of the most effective methods, it can only be done by two people - Remo Williams and Remo Williams's sensei.
you know you are a gun nut when you notice the girl is carrying an AK-103 before you realize that is the only thing from the waist up.
ReplyThe fat guy isn't actually firing an auto pistol. He is using a technique called bumping that uses the recoil of a semi auto gun to continuously fire it.
ReplySo he turned a non-automatic pistol into an automatic. Cool.
Quote:
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesHandguns can be hidden on the person (illegal in most states)
No, Handguns can be concealed legally in most states, it's called a concealed carry permit. I don't mind satire, just try not to give people false impressions of the legality of things, ok?
I'm surprised you noticed that as well. Most Cracked readers are idiots. I almost started a tirade before seeing your post and just deciding to comment on it. It's true that without a permit it's illegal, but you can enroll in a class or a series of classes to get your permit so you can carry a concealed weapon.
why do you guys have to be smart? I had like fourteen jokes planned out for my rant!
Also, original M16s haven't been used by the U.S. Military since Vietnam. We've been using different AR-15 variants, most recently the M4 carbine configuration. Plus, NOBODY uses AK-47s anymore, they either use AKMs ("modernized") or the AK-74.
OMG What a bunch of morons, I think we are not here to read an academic essay, we are here to read some amusing satire and this one is particularly f*****g funny! Good Job!
ReplyRemember, sarcasm is hard to get across the internet
Five minutes on Wikipedia would inform you enough to write a more knowledgeable article than this. For fuck's sake.
ReplyDark_Strike needs to go back to gun school -=P
ReplyI hate when people who think they know about guns write about them. Seriously get some education, otherwise it's like me writing about weather which is basically is nothing more than the average bloke.
ReplyAnywho as someone said, a pistol is one one type of handgun, there is also revolvers and their various types/actions. Handguns also are not always known for their power, the problem is their usually small calibre and small barrel and accuracy with most handguns is more of a short range thing, yet again to the usually smaller bullet and short barrel. Saying that though I as hell wouldn't want to be shot with one. Oh and hollow points are designed so that the full force of the bullet is transfered to the target instead of just flying through.
Shotguns can shoot more than just shot, which is another huge assumption of firearms. What about slugs? You can get great range and accuracy out of a slug, especially if you attach a rifled barrel to your shotgun. Why do people always forget the versatility of shotguns?
Rifles come in many types of actions such as: bolt action, break action etc. Not all rifles have a long barrel which is another assumption of firearms. You can also get drum magazines for some rifles for those who really like carrying around a tonne of ammo and/or really like full auto.
The M16s and AKs in the auto section can be fired semi-automatically as to not eat through all their ammo (hence why they're called selective fire weapons). Plus the one that chick is holding is probably a civilian version that is semi-auto only. So they aren't that great of an example for full auto weapons. What about machine guns? You know the firearms designed for full auto use? Or did the author not know the difference?
No section on sub-machine guns? What's wrong with selective (usually) fire, pistol calibre assault weaponry? They're compact, more accurate than a handgun and can carry a fairly decent punch.
Remember firearms are dangerous tools of destruction, they can't be used to create anything. They're really interesting machines (like clock work) that most people basically know go boom and that's about it. They should be used responsibly and treated with respect. They can't fix many problems except basically if some one is trying to kill you. Most of the time though they're not which is saddening. I'm writing this even though I'm a fire arm enthusiast (the same way some one who likes cars or boats) because I'd rather have a knowledgeable person have/write about them than some one who thinks they do just because firearms are “cool”.
yeah handguns are not also known as pistols. there are two types of handguns. pistols and revolvers.
ReplySemiautomatic, single-shot and revolver are all kinds of pistols, and may be referred to as handguns as well. Pistol and handgun are pretty much interchangeable nowadays (not so much in the 14th through 16th centuries)
This article is terrible. I should make another one on a more specifica subject like handguns or actions
ReplyEh, this article's more informative than funny.
ReplyI've noticed that that has become kind of a trend. This one didn't even have to be that informative, it could have been pretty funny.
Actually this really isn't informative at all. It's a lot of basic harble garble.
'Mother-hating, hell-going cowardly Taliban'- Misinformed redneck, I presume?
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesSo are you defending the Taliban? They are real assholes you know.
But they don't hate their moms, is what he's trying to say. Or so I assume.
You're kidding, right? He's trying to make fun of the redneck thing (I think).
The Taliban hate women, and all mothers are women, thus you can honestly say Taliban hate mothers.
Maybe a euphimism for motherfucking?
I believe, and I might be wrong, that hollow-points are actually safer than ball ammo. See, when someone breaks into your house you just point and shoot at the body. The ball ammo will go right through a person hitting all kinds of organs on the way. The hollow-point will spread out and stop in only one organ making the chances for surviving that shot better than if 5 of your organs were ripped through. Unless it's a head-shot but any ammo will probably kill someone if it hits the head. Unless it's like, bird-shot from a shotgun far away. Or maybe a .22 from far away. But I think a .22 to the brain would still really mess you up.
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesAlso, Remo Willams forgot about the bullet that's in the chamber. He might have the quickness of a cat, but he's kind of dumb.
No, hollow points can spread shrapnel around in the body that can be hard to remove as well as damaging, and getting shot with a .22 would suck f*****g ass because the bullet will have enough force to get into your body but not out so it bounces around f*****g s**t up.
dude, he blows the guy up about 4 seconds later.
doesn't really matter
The issue of what does the most damage to a human body is actually incredibly complex and subtle. Simplified a hollow-point that doesn't through and through the organs of the torso doesn't really do much more than ball (but it sure doesn't do less!). Where hollow-points do more damage is in the brain where full "energy deposit" (meaning all the energy that was in the bullet goes into what it's stopping in when it stops; think how when a train comes to a stop there's usually that last hard lurch) does catastrophic damage to the fragile nervous tissues. Personally I think there's kind of an argument in favor of instant death rather than brain damage for life, in terms of the humaneness of the slugs.
also when the hollow point flattens it transfers more energy to the target, so can provide bludgeoning damage as well. whereas a bullet that's gone through you still has energy so not all of it's force is transferred to the target
If Remo went down, Chiun would have killed the guy anyway.
Hiding a gun on your person is actually legal in most states, with a license.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesHeck Virginia has an open right to carry law. Though I don't think I'd stroll down the hall of Potomac Mills with a holster on my hip.
In Canada a restricted(hand gun/firearm with a barrel under a certain length) the only time you can have it out of your house is in transport directly to/from the firing range and at the firing range. Plus you have to get a permit for the transport part. They have to be kept in the trunk and in a case with ammo seperate.
Long barrel fire arms you can take anywhere pretty much. They cannot be take out of the vehicle unless you've got them covered (like a case or even a blanket) and you can uncover them if you're hunting/at a fring range etc. You can transport a long barrel weapon in the back seat but with the ammo seperate and if ou stop you have to cover it.
Canadian fire arm laws are really rediculous, especially when it comes to the prohibited gun list.
Canada's laws don't seem much worse than California's, which means they are still pretty strict, but not as bad as in some of the big cities back east.
i believe arizona has a open carry law too, and california used to allow you to conceal a gun without a license if it was not loaded but i think the law was changed
The fat guy in the video is not shooting an automatic, he is simulating automatic fire using a "bump" technique. Just pointing that out.
ReplyIs it weird that I found this posting not funny at all but enjoyed every minute of it?
ReplyNot at all.
Incoming gun pron: Shotguns can also have slugs, saboted slugs, many different shot sizes, and even non-lethal rounds. They can even have exotic rounds that shoot saltrock, bolos, flechettes (tiny darts), and even a jet of flame.
ReplyI loved the pics of the hot chicks, but where were the weapons?
ReplySo basically, if I get a gun I will have fantastic cleavage.
ReplyYes, as long as you're a woman. Men get awesome beards.