Alton Brown

Alton Brown is the host of Good Eats. If you're looking for the 85 year old Major League Baseball pitcher, search elsewhere.

A very unfortunate photographer is about to become food.

Just The Facts

  1. He is the rare nerd who puts science to good use.
  2. Looking at his hair for a prolonged time is known to cause madness.
  3. You can create your very own Alton by combining the DNA of Julia Child, Bill Nye, and MacGyver.

Good Eats

It is the greatest cooking show ever, and always will be, no matter what the mean voices say. It has had the same jingle for the entire series, and yet it will never change (hundreds of people like me who percieve changes as witchcraft will see to it). Not only does it teach how to cook, it teaches you why things should be cooked with that how. In less moronic terms, it teaches sciency shit* like amino acids, glucose and "H20" (whatever that is). It is also entertaining, various things happen, from having thugs beat up Lactose Man to killing Dracula. Also, it saves money, fuck you $40 pizza stone, hello $1 unglazed quarry tile. Sadly, this shows days are numbered, Alton says he won't let the show live another ten years.

*Don't worry, it's usually explained with Barbie dolls.

Iron Chef America

Japanophiles and people both seem to agree that Iron Chef America is shit compared to Iron Chef. I humbly suggest they are stupid and they are the same basic show, except one has awesome voiceovers and another has Alton Brown flashing his bitchin' bee tattoo. Alton is the commenter and never fails to show how someone can be both the greatest culinary guy ever can also be a punchable know-it-all.

Feasting on Asphalt

Alton drives around on a motorcycle eating food and if I remember correctly, shooting rival biker gangs. He was living every middleaged guy's dream, but, he had to pay for it... with a broken mother fuckin' clavicle. On the third season he went boating in the Carribean, making everyone wonder why some guys vacations were making watchable TV. That lucky fucker.

I'm Just Here for the/More Food (other stuff goes here)

There are seriously five books that have a variation of that title. They are about various ways of cooking various foods and other kitcheny stuff. I only bought the Version 2.0, it came with magnets. If you work at any food place ranked higher than McDonalds and don't have one of these books, I can only assume that you have no regard for the lives that you will probably end with your culinary and literary negligence (frankly, I'm probably risking lives only having one).

Alton Brown: Troll Fighter

Holy crap, have you read his twitter? In all my years of interneting, I have never seen someone embrace trolls as much as Alton Brown. Go read it and enjoy one of your heroes beating up people with words.

Good Eats: The Early Years

Odds are you, like me, are not a robot. Since we are not robots, we cannot remember every episode of Good Eats by heart. That's where this book comes in, it has all the recipes from the first 80 episodes so idiots like me don't have to write notes when we're watchin' our stories. Therefore, if someone doesn't own this book, it means they have every second of Good Eats memorised. Immediatly assume they are a robot, nevermind questioning why a robot would watch cooking shows, just report them to the authorities or throw them in a vat of molten iron.

Alton Brown's Incredible Weight Loss Program

According to the Google search bar, no gives a shit about anything but how he lost 50 pounds, which he totally did. It is all explained by watching the Good Eats episode "Live and Let Diet". It's pretty much a half hour message of: You're blender sucks, Anchovies are awesome, and eat right and exercise, lardass.