It's one of the most confusing things ever: How do you become friends with someone who has a friend that doesn't watch South Park and doesn't like Cooler Ranch Doritos? How in the world does that happen?
Just The Facts
- Friends are awesome.
- For some reason, your friend's friends are almost always douchecakes.
- They love talking to you.
Friends of Friends
As noted in the graphs above. Almost nothing goods happens from meeting the friends of your friends. We know, we know... it's confusing, but what are you going to do? Bang a penguin? That wouldn't make any sense whatsoever. Just keep these few things in mind when meeting a friend's friend for the first time:
- They will think that you are already friends, even if they've never met you. There is no vicarious friending. Don't be fooled by this crafty, fox-like move.
- Friends of friends will literally talk to you forever when you first meet them. This is called the trap-and-suffocate by friend of friend veterans. The best way to avoid this tactic is to always have a cell phone on your person and always have a Quick Text to yourself option. If you get good enough at this move, you can send yourself a text while the phone and your hand are in your pocket. When "Who Let the Dogs Out" comes a rocking out your cargo shorts, make your exit a la, "Oh no! Not Grandma!!"
- Friends of friends will inevitably consume certain special memories of your past and regurgitate stories of drunken nights, girls with boobies and maybe even, god forbid, Twilight in their place. Don't be bothered trying to remember these wonderful times of your childhood. Our minds only have so much space and now you're confined to memories of whores and garbage cans filled with vomit.
- Friends of friends will eventually try to call you and yes, they will ask for a favor. Maybe you made a mistake during your initial meeting and said that your sister was a nurse. Now, guess who wants to be an orderly and wants you to ask your sister for a favor? Yeah, that guy. That son of a bitch.
- Friends of friends will also ask you to go out with them to a bar and be a wingman at least a couple times a year. Most likely during the winter months when loneliness is setting in. The ancient Japanese had a method for dealing with this tough situation, it is called seppuku. Basically, insert a sharp object in your stomach and pull horizontally. It should get you out, long as the friend of friend didn't get that job as an orderly and doesn't now think because he works in a hospital he is qualified to deal with your internal trauma.
- The worst thing about the internet is Facebook and unfortunately it has become the breeding ground for friends of friends. Facebook even recommends that these leeches become your friends. The only way to get away from this veritable haunt is to deactivate your Facebook account. But, as we know, for most people that is like Stan's Dad stopping his endless journey for the purple dragon. If you're having trouble, again, seppuku is an option. Maybe not the best. Definitely not the worst.
It would almost be cool to be friends with the Carrot, right?
But, your future friend through your current friend probably resembles this a bit more:
"Hey, I'm Brian. You can call me Arrow Blade. I'm so happy we're friends now."