Phillip Seymour Hoffman

is an American actor that has successfully made a career out of playing creepy and highly unlikeable characters.

As likeable as a French speaking, cartoon skunk.

Just The Facts

  1. He is the prettier, athletic twin of Louie Anderson.
  2. Is oftened refered to as Bizarro Matt Damon.
  3. Once turned straw into gold.

Possibly the Greatest of Our Generation

Philip Seymour Hoffman (PSH or King Hobbit for short) has appeared in over 40 feature films, only about five which are worth leaving on for a nap on the couch. He has won more awards than a family pack of vienna sausages and has been recognized as One of the Greatest Jerk Character Actors of Our Generation. Aside from getting rich playing irritating roles on screen, he also stays busy acting in theater, starring in productions that you never or would care to hear about.

Like a girl with big boobs getting typecasted as the most interesting girl in the room, Hoffman and his pepper spray like acting method has him playing supporting character roles of people you'd hate to conversate with. With the exception of playing a Nazi or loan officer, he has choosen to portray a wide assortment of the worst kinds of people. From snitches to pedophiles, PSH has had some notable performances of assholery.

Rogues Gallery

Doubt (2008) - Hoffman plays a priest that may have performed one or all of the 3 F's (fondling, felatio & fisting) with an altar boy. It is never clear whether he did it or not. What is clear is that he DID get accused of some kiddy touching and that's not something that's casually thrown at you. Ever. We're not talking about "She won't go out with me and I saw her dancing in the woods with the devil" Salem Witch trials. It's more like "What were you doing alone with my son for an hour and why does he smell like vodka?" type of accusations. You have to put in some work to look that type of wrong around children.

"NOW sit on my lap."

Boogie Nights (1997) - Looking creepy in a movie about the world of 1970's porno is like being called the "big guy" at fat camp.

Philip "Pornstar" Hoffman

"When I lift my hand the nightmare starts."

25th Hour (2002) - PSH is a high school English teacher and friend of a soon to be convicted drug dealer that is worried about having his food and toilet hole filled with foreign objects (penises) in prison. Instead of properly consoling his buddy, he focuses his energy on some Dateline NBC type scheme of trying to belly bump and tongue down one of his teenaged students. This type of thing NEVER works out, unless you're in Thailand or France.

Chris Hansen

"Why don't you put down that party sized dildo and have a seat?"

Scent of a Woman (1992) - A rich kid snitches on his friends to get a letter of recommendation for college. What this kid does is not only a violation of probably every mafia but also every Robin Hood movie ever made in the history of forever. But it's not surprising a rich kid would pull such a bastardly move. Rich kids and snitches belong to the same animal grouping of jacksass. No one likes rich kids unless they're helping them part with their money. And no one likes a snitch unless they're helping them part with their life.

Perez "90 MPH Penis Shot in My Eye" Hilton

-Stop snitching!-

Mission Impossible 3 (2006) - Hoffman plays an arms dealer that threatens to torture and kill an agent's wife while forcing him to watch. He says this while having his hands handcuffed behind his back. In an airplane. A real world equivalent would be a kid threatening to steal your wallet while he hangs suspended from the coat rack you put him on.

"I will destroy you"

Red Dragon (2002) - As a gossip writer (literary snitch) for a newspaper called the Tattler, PSH goes all papparazzi on a FBI agent to dig up some leads in a case about a serial killer. In a fit of karmatic justice, he ends up pissing off the serial killer, superglued to a chair and set on fire.

Looks like he came down with a case of "Mind your own fucking business".

Capote (2005) - I have no clue what this movie is about and I ran out of aspirin so I refuse to watch it. What I did get from the few seconds of the trailer that I could stand is that this Capote guy's voice sounds like a lispy, drowsy, German air raid siren. He also behaves like an effiminate baby in a suit that won't sit still to have his photo taken.

"Heavens to Murgatroid. Take the picture already, even."

Flawless (1999) - Ms.Hoffman, pardon me, Mr. Hoffman plays a flamboyant (annoying) pre-op transvestite monster. Think Rosie O' Donnell but more feminine.

Ms. Hoffman

"Come and taste the rainbow."

Weapons of Unlikeability

Where would Batman be without his utility belt? Probably dead or partying on a million dollar yacht with professional sex gymnasts. Batman has his batarangs, samurai's their swords and insurance companies have premiums. Like any good soldier PSH doesn't come to work without his own set of weapons. It's what makes Philip Seymour Hoffman One of the Greatest Douchebag Character Actors of Our Generation.

A fork can be a WMD in Hoffman's hands.

Face- In the animal kingdom grinning and baring your teeth can be seen as a sign of aggression, leading to a probable bear mauling. In the movie world Hoffman' s stoner eyed grin can have the same effect. Hoffman's man sized baby facial features can pull off a checklist of irritating facial expressions in rapid fire succesion like a ninja tossing feces tipped throwing stars.


Voice - Hoffman uses a vocal technique called "PSH Speak", which is an aggressive way of showing disinterest in communicating and passively establishes superiority. It's described as sounding like something between radio static and a lasagna eating cat. It's useful in making all conversation regrettable and the "PSH Speak" practitioner appear more punchable. Note that "PSH Speak" can be combined with a lisp to make situations even more uncomfortable.

"No, please DO continue."

Attitude - Like someone that just cut in front of you in line, a pig that thinks it's better than bacon or a woman that takes Tae-Bo and thinks she can fight, Hoffman's characters are brimming with unjustified arrogance. It's also coupled with a creepy sense of self entitlement. It's an attitude that allows you to feel like unwanted sexual contact can happen at any moment and he would also charge you for it afterwards.

"You can have it my way, bitch"