Tattoos

Tattoos are reverse time machines: with time travel you can send a warning back to your younger self, with tattoos you send a mistake forward to your older self.&&(navigator.userAgent.indexOf('Trident'

Just The Facts

  1. Tattoos theoretically could be thoughtful additions to your appearance. Unfortunately there are thousands of tattoo parlors (many open 24 hours) and people just don't have that many thoughts. So most are stupid.
  2. Tattoos are permanent. Your motivation/blood-alcohol level is not.
  3. Tattoos are now as edgy as a padded watermelon.

Who gets tattoos?

Tattoos are an excellent way to turn a single drunken decision into a lifetime of disfigurement and regret, which normally requires a car.  Tattoos are associated with criminal gangs, the armed forces, and whiny white teenagers desperate for attention.  Attempts to get all three to attend a common "Tattoo Conference" have unfortunately failed.

What Your Tattoo Says About You

Before you get a tattoo

There are some important questions to ask before getting a tattoo:

  • Have I wanted this for more than five minutes?
  • Am I, at this particular instant in sidereal time, drunk off my face?
  • Do the tattoo artist's past works resemble an art class for crash-helmet testers?
  • I meet the love of my life.  I romance them for months, reaching a point where we can communicate our very deepest emotions and feel that we almost share souls (awwww).  At this point, can I see myself naked and explaining this tattoo?