Tattoos
Tattoos are reverse time machines: with time travel you can send a warning back to your younger self, with tattoos you send a mistake forward to your older self.
Just The Facts
- Tattoos theoretically could be thoughtful additions to your appearance. Unfortunately there are thousands of tattoo parlors (many open 24 hours) and people just don't have that many thoughts. So most are stupid.
- Tattoos are permanent. Your motivation/blood-alcohol level is not.
- Tattoos are now as edgy as a padded watermelon.
Who gets tattoos?
Tattoos are an excellent way to turn a single drunken decision into a lifetime of disfigurement and regret, which normally requires a car. Tattoos are associated with criminal gangs, the armed forces, and whiny white teenagers desperate for attention. Attempts to get all three to attend a common "Tattoo Conference" have unfortunately failed.
What Your Tattoo Says About You
Before you get a tattoo
There are some important questions to ask before getting a tattoo:
- Have I wanted this for more than five minutes?
- Am I, at this particular instant in sidereal time, drunk off my face?
- Do the tattoo artist's past works resemble an art class for crash-helmet testers?
- I meet the love of my life. I romance them for months, reaching a point where we can communicate our very deepest emotions and feel that we almost share souls (awwww). At this point, can I see myself naked and explaining this tattoo?
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ReplyWhere should I even Begin? The "Chart" about where your tattoos placement says about you, could have been way better I would classify it as barley funny. I mean you didn't even touch the legs or chest.
ReplyNot everyone is drunk when they get a tattoo, in fact people who are serious about tattoo art would tell you its really stupid because it makes you bleed more which everyone should know and it also hinders the healing process. People are STUPID and therefore stupid people make stupid decisions unfortunately getting tattoo can fall under that category.
As for the Common tattoos I cant even imagine how many people of non Asian decent have Asian character tattoos, I don't even know whats up with that and who started it but I am very sure that anyone who has one has wanted to kick themselves in the ass. Barbed wire just equals white trash no way about that one, wtf is wrong with people? Band tattoos!! nothing absolutely nothing wrong with that, you love a band? feel as though they speak to your soul? Then why the hell not? It your life and your body, people don't get it? There loss as long as you love it and think about it do it to it. Sports team? eh on the fence with this one on the one hand I find it ridiculous and on the other kind of want a Washington Capitals tattoo on the back on my leg (yes I am a woman and no I don't play sports or dig the ladies) Ive just always liked them and they remind me of my father. Gamer tattoos are pretty hot right now geek-sheek you could say and will probably be lost on generations to come. "Grandpa whats that little yellow man on your arm?" "Well you see back when I was young it was cool and I thought I might get laid". And finally the bar-code tattoo to this I can say I currently know someone with one, on the back of the neck of course because where else could it go? This when I was 16 (now 25) thought was cool and thank you tattoo laws and the wisdom of time that kept me from getting one.
I'm not sure who wrote this as I do not see a name attached but did you write this 5 minutes before it was due? Because its pretty half ass. Weak jokes and lame points. If your trying to poke fun and be somewhat ironic I guess try again because I can do better (still waiting on me writers invite thing to show up on my page)
Last but not least people have been expressing themselves with tattoos since forever. There are lost of wonderful tattoo artist that are actually artist and people who think and plan and love their tattoos. It should not be out shadowed by those who do do crap work and stupid people slapping an old piece of crap on them.
Dude, calm down and google the word "joke"
I asked my mum what the best place to have a tattoo, and she replied "Just above the bum, it's easy to cover and a lot of girls have it." I don't have the heart to tell her what it really means.
ReplyI want to get my mom's name on my left wrist. Easy to hide if I ever regret it (which I don't think I will), right?
ReplyI want to get a tattoo of my mothers name and a poem dedicated to her. No shes not dead. And i will never regret it. I hope. No wait, yea i wont. Even if she disowns me for getting a tattoo, which she clearly disapproved of...... wait idk anymore. 0_0
ReplyMy friends told me about---onenightcupid.c/o/m--. She told me it is the best place to
Replyseek casual fun and short-term relationship. I have tried. It is fantastic. There are tens of thousands cute guys and pretty girls. You wanna get laid tonight? Come in and give it a shot, you will find someone you like there. Have fun! O_O
Sounds amazing. Where do I send my credit card information?
spammers should die in hell.
I really don't view any of these as jokes. Having a tatoo makes you 20% dumber, that's a scientific fact.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Replies*tattoo
What about science tattoos?
So I guess you have a tatoo?
Of course having a tatoo makes you 20% dumber.
First & foremost: I loved this post! It made me laugh - out loud.
ReplySecond, all those who can't take a joke when the site is clearly intended for humor (and therefore *jokes*) need to step back and understand that, while there are truths in this piece, it was told in the spirit of making others laugh!
Third, I have to say, I mostly agree that these perceptions are held by those who are tat-free. Yes, this includes myself. No, I'm not so ignorant/shallow/stupid as to think this applies to EVERY person with tattoos. Stereotypes were formed from a nugget of truth, like it or not. They help people understand what they're seeing. Since human beings take into account appearances (whether we admit it or not, it's hardwired into us to do so), certain kinds of ink in certain places screams certain ideas of who/how a person is. Such as the "tramp stamp." What we have to do, though, is learn who is worth our getting to know and who we should steer clear from. The only way that can truly be established is by talking with the person in question for at least a few minutes. Take into account looks, yes...but use this intelligently!
All that said, thanks for the amusement.
I got a video game tattoo, mostly because I spent a majority of my childhood playing video games. I got an snes controller because it was the first console I ever had.
ReplyI've been doing my own tattoos since I was in highschool-- then with sewing needles/ink; currently with proper tattooing equipment-- and in my opinion, the biggest problem is how people never stop reacting as if having a tattoo is something that demands any kind of special attention.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesI mean both the people who stop me with, "Wow! Where did you get your tattoos done/ what does ___ mean?" and the people who just stand there staring, often with some confused and/or shocked and/or vaguely disgusted expression.
Don't get me wrong; I do agree that a good 80% of tattoos out there, existing in the world, are exactly the kind of ridiculous/stupid pointed out here by good ol' Cracked (and then some), but I also think it's important to keep in mind that the exceptions aren't THAT rare, really.
There are plenty of acceptable reasons to get tattoos (ie. memorials, family, (some) art, covering scars), it's just that there are so many MORE of the retarded reasons(excuses).
Sorry all tattoos are idiotic. People change their feelings over time and 99% of people regret their tattoos. If they say they aren't they are lying.
Well, 3ntropy, if you think tattoos are idiotic, then don't get one. Problem solved.
99% huh? You pull that number out of your judgmental ass?
3ntr0py - I have never met anybody who regrets their tattoos. maybe my friend circle is more secure than yours - idk. ;)
My friend kept trying to get his Chinese girlfriend to get "Made in China" tatooed on the bottom of her foot. She never did, but she did smack him in the head every time he'd suggest it.
ReplyThe flank is missing from that diagram. What does a flank tattoo say about you?
Reply"Flankly, tattoos never quite seem to say what you intended them to."
That you have discovered what makes you a special, unique person- you're a technicolour pony.
I have to strongly disagree with the whole "I'll never pay taxes/prisoner" thing. I have my knuckles and wrists tattooed, and it has never impeded my ability to get a job and therefore paying taxes.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesThe stigma with ink is a very tired one, and it irritates me that people see my tattoos and automatically think "OH HE'S A BAD PERSON, STAY AWAY CHILDREN." :/
And people, seriously, the word 'faggy' is nothing to get your s**t pinched over. I'm gay and have no issue with people calling me a f*g (keeping in the lines of not being a bigot about it).
You sound like you have a fairly interesting life.
Right on, faggot!
I always thought of getting a massive purple orchid on my back, just to piss off "tough guys". You know, as in "this tattoo hurt just as much as yours, and I'm brave enough to get something totally girly"
Isn't being called "faggy", if accurate, exactly something to get your s**t pinched over?
Lots of crying ultra-pc libs here just because someone mentioned the word FAG. OH SO HORRIBLE TIME TO OUTRAGE EVEN THOUGH I AM STRAIGHT AND HIPSTER! Can't believe the stupidity, it is so annoying. Stop acting like immature douchebags standing on a soapbox acting outraged to seem cool and caring when you probably dont even donate a moment of your time outside of text/facebook fake outrage to make yourself feel better that you do nothing with your life.
ReplyWow! You know exactly what these people are doing every second of every day? You must be psychic! Or full of shit.
What does it mean about me when I cover my body with tattoos of ancient arcane symbols so that I may open a gateway to other worlds?
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesIt means that the beasts that spew forth from the mouths of hell will be the last thing your nutrient-starved brain will hallucinate before you finally collapse on you living room floor. Don't worry, your body will be found. Months later, when your landlord barges in to clean up the apartment after evicting you.
In case you didn't get it, the short version is, you'll die alone.
It only works if you offer yourself as a human sacrifice.
That you're insane.
That your awesome :)
it means we need to party! ;)
if im asian and in asia, is it alright to get a dragon tattoo?
ReplyThe Vietnamese guy I work with got a dragon done while in Thailand and no one gives him s**t for it, so I assume yes. I on the other hand am white and never left Australia, so the Japanese character I have on my leg never comes up in conversation.
Only if it's an incredibly awesome dragon
It's only when people begin explaining the meaning and purpose of their tatoos that it becomes a problem. Yes honey, I'm sure your butterfly tramp stamp is far more meaningful than any other.
ReplyHm. Do these interpretations hold if it's scarification instead of ink? I was with a girl who had a big (12"+) spider carved on her back and rose vines coiling on her boobs. Loved the former but hated the latter; the cuts healed way, way too thick to look good or have the right texture.
ReplyUm, scarification people are their own kind of freaks, not covered by the article.
I'm glad my husband's mistress is stuck with his favorite s**t tattooed all over her bod. can't believe her husband took her back. maybe he got off on it. who knows?
ReplySomebody notify the Most Awkward-to-Read Comment On Cracked award committee that we have a new champion!
On the other hand...did you take him back? I couldn't believe it, if you took him back...
Yes, buying me a drink will totally work.
ReplyI'll buy the drinks if you bring the condoms.