Zhu Zhu Pets

You know what the world needs? Fake Hamster toys. Toys that do what Hamsters do, but without the guilt of letting them die when you forget to feed them. Because you know, hamsters are awesome, right?&&

You'll Never Think of the Phrase

Just The Facts

  1. Zhu Zhu pets are toy hamsters that make noises and move around.
  2. Zhu Zhu pets are the hot, hard to find, toy of Christmas 2009.
  3. In addition to the actual toy hamsters, you can buy tons of accessories for them.
  4. Zhu Zhu pets are basically Stompers with fur and funny noises.

Cracked on Zhu Zhu Pets.

When you were a kid did you ever really, really want a pet hamster but have your mom say no? Well for the one in three thousand of you who said yes, you basically missed the boat on this toy by about three decades.

Thanks to cheap crappy toy makers in China, you can now own a fake hamster that does several things real hamsters do and several dozen things you could never get a hamster to do. That's right, no more watching stupid dancing hamster clips on the 'net and pretending it's your own pet. Also, it looks like someone has shaved their hamsters with symbols. And not even cool satanic symbols, it's like hearts and other gay shit.

Remember when people used to shave the Nike symbol in their hair? That had nothing to do with this photo but that was pretty fucking stupid too.

From their Webpage

"Zhu Zhu pets are the best alternative to real live hamsters" claims the webpage. Hamsters that "don't poop, die, or stink, but they are still a riot of motion and sound." You can't argue with that kind of logic, can you? Oh wait, you can... because as I recall hamsters don't make rooster sounds, "zoink" sounds, or run around powered by two wheels. Exactly what is a "riot of motion and sound" anyway? A mob maybe? A real life mob marching in the street to execute the bourgeoisie capitalist scum that keeps making their kids fall in love with increasingly inane objects that offer billions of accessories to soak up the last dime a working class family can cut from their meager budget... now that's a "riot of motion and sound." Also, I noticed Zhu Zhu pets don't try to eat each other after mating.

And why the fuck are they driving cars? Do these people even know what a hamster is?

According to LOLCATS, these are "meals on wheels." According to normal people this is nearly as fucking retarded as LOLCATS.

Replacing Childhood With More Sanitized Fake Crap

If more people read Cracked's Guide to Raising Children, the world would be a better place, but instead we're stuck with the following observations:

Remember how kids used to go outside and play sports? Well now they can play them on videogames and not get dirty or even hurt.

Remember how kids used to hang out with their friends in groups at another friend's house? Well now they can just get online together in chat rooms or play games against each other via online video games.

Remember how all kids in the classroom were expected to do the same work and to obey the same rules? Well now they all have Individual Learning Plans that are catered to their tastes and varying levels of ability to sit down and pay attention... and everyone gets a good grade.

Remember how kids used to be sweet on each other and "go-together"? Now they can just text each other pictures of their junk.

Remember how kids used to use their imagination to make games and objects out of old boxes and stuff lying around the house? Now they can recycle empty boxes and watch high definition DVD's for hours on end without once ever having to be creative.

Remember how kids used to have real pets and learn responsibility by having to take care of them? Well now they can just turn their pets off when they tire of their shit.

Isn't it great that parents can trade away lessons in physical fitness, social interaction, creativity, and responsibility in exchange for keeping kids very clean and very socially awkward?

Remember how kids used to grow up to be contributors to society? Well now they can grow up, see a psychiatrist four times a week to try to deal with the pressures of working at McDonalds for a boss who isn't very understanding of their likes and needs. But their self-esttem will still be through the fuckin' roof.

This is what your kids will grow up to be.

Buy 'Em While You Can... the Recall on Zhu Zhu Pets Is Only Weeks Away

Seriously... if we've learned anything from reading about popular Christmas toys the last few years it is that these things are totally going to get recalled. Soon. Remember how someone found out that Aquadots plus water equals Roofies? Yeah, well these Zhu Zhu craps have high powered wheels on them and the packaging encourages kids to snuggle them next to their face. It's only a matter of time till some girl gets her hair clogged in a wheel and these things are going to be recalled (and unlike Stompers, they don't have a reverse that prevents perminant hair-wrapping around the wheels).

Photo Taken Two Seconds Before Lilly Had To Get a Butch Haircut To Free Her Beloved Zhu Zhu Pet From Hair Entanglement. Also, While She Was Distracted Tommy Felt Her Up.