The Nazis. Everyone hates them and countless films have celebrated their demise. But were they really that bad? National Socialism may have been pretty messed up, what with the genocide and war and all, but they did have some cool outfits.
National Socialism is a political ideology based on nationalism, fascism, racial supremacy, persecution of minorities, militaristic expansion, eugenics, anti-capitalist rambling, anti-communist rambling, and bitchin uniforms. National Socialists believed in the necessity of racial purity, and viewed all of history as a primarily racial struggle for dominance. In other words, white people are cool, but everyone else better get the fuck out of the way.
National Socialism first came on the scene in the wake of economic depression exacerbated by the unfair conditions of the Treaty of Versailles following World War I. Their belief in strong national character and regional dominance resonated with a populace tired of boring politicians with no game, and so they were elected quite easily in 1933. With their easily harassed scapegoats of the gypsies, the gays, and of course, the Jews, National Socialism was able to secure power over Germany indefinitely, at least until its defeat in the mid 40s. It's good that these historical factors are so unique, because it would be scary to think that similar conditions could arise in another country in the future.
None of this really matters though, because Leni Riefenstahl was a babe and it's a shame she never got to direct any more movies after the war. National Socialism was right: The Jews do ruin everything.
Pictured: Leni Riefenstahl, Being Awesome
National Socialism is not any of the following:
Socialism: Despite the presence of the word "socialism" in the name, National Socialism is not socialist. National Socialists actually opposed democratic socialism, along with capitalism, communism, liberalism, and The JewsTM. It's kind of like how a square is a rectangle but a rectangle is not necessarily a square, or whatever. That doesn't stop anyone from making the association anyway, though, so feel free to fire off accusations with impunity. It's fun for the whole family!
National Socialists are easily spotted by their unrepentant liberalism.
Communism: Despite the Nazis' well-documented campaigns against the Soviet Union, which featured some of the most vicious fighting of the war, National Socialism continues to be equated with communism for no apparent reason. National Socialists envisioned themselves as a "Third Way" outside of capitalism and communism. Sort of like hermaphrodites, only with less social acceptance. So please stop comparing them to communists; they so do not swing that way.
Pictured: A National Socialist in her native garb.
Marxism: Pop quiz hotshot! The Nazis hated (a certain group of people) more than anyone else on Earth. And Karl Marx was a... (member of a certain group of people). Do we have our answers children? And so does it make any sense that National Socialism would have anything to do with Marxism? Of course it does, everyone knows the Nazis were liberals. Why do you think they hated America so much?
For those of you following along at home, the answer was "hippie".
Liberalism: National Socialism lies outside of the standard left/right political axis. It has no use for your juvenile classification systems. National Socialism is better than you and it knows it. How dare you call it liberal? Let's not insult one of the most beautiful political ideologies of the last century by comparing it to douches like Bono or the fat guy from the Down with Capitalism movie. Have some respect!
Insert Lolcat joke here.
Lesbianism: Because this section needs to end on a high note after that terrible last paragraph:
National Socialism has had a powerful, lasting effect on Western society. In many ways, we live in a National Socialist society under another name. The advancements of the National Socialists proved too important to lose, so with a few minor changes (like losing the whole persecution of Jews thing, sorry again about that, guys) National Socialism was reinstituted throughout the Western world in rebranded form, kind of like New Coke but less evil. So let's take a look at some of National Socialism's contributions to the modern world:
Sexy Outfits: It is a scientifically proven fact that white women are better than all other people on Earth. What better way to celebrate this inherent superiority than slipping into the tightest fashions National Socialism has to offer? Nothing says ubermensch like a swastika on your arm and a Cross of Iron necklace buried in your cleavage. God, National Socialism was awesome. Can we just bring them back already? I need a group that represents my racial interests, and Fox News isn't cutting it anymore.
On second thought, these girls could probably be included in the Lesbianism section...
The CIA: The States brought over many Nazi scientists via Operation Paperclip after the war. Many ex-Nazis ended up in the OSS, the precedessor of the modern CIA. So in a way, we have National Socialism to thank for providing us with the talent necessary to wage the Cold War against the Slavic horde. Without them, who knows where we would have been? National Socialism's influence can be seen everywhere from Guantanamo Bay, to Operation Ajax, to the false flag operations that have preceded every instance of American involvement overseas for the past 60 years. Ever wonder why every war America gets involved in is started under false pretenses? National Socialism made it possible.
No one is above the law... except the CIA.
Charles Manson: Everyone's favorite murderous nutcase / cult leader / folk musician famously carved a swastika into his forehead because he understood how awesome National Socialism was as an ideology. That is some serious dedication there. He knew everyone would say he was crazy, but he did it anyway because he believed. In his defense, he did go crazy listening to the Beatles, and as we all know, the Beatles suck, so in a way all of this is Paul McCartney's fault. Then again, he murdered Sharon Tate and fucked up Roman Polanski's life for no reason, a man who had already been through enough, what with losing his parents in the Holocaust. See everyone? It all loops back to National Socialism! We weren't off-topic after all; we are geniuses.
Not pictured: The swastika, because we're retards.
Israel: Everyone's favorite murderous country / cult leader / imperialist aggressor got its start thanks to National Socialism and has never looked back since. The decades-long oppression of the Palestinian people is perhaps National Socialism's greatest legacy. So every time you hear yet another news story about Israel blowing up Lebanon for no reason, or firing on civilians in Gaza, or whatever strikes their fancy, you have National Socialism to thank for bringing us this joyous state of affairs. Thanks again National Socialism, your generosity truly knows no bounds.
Bad Goys, Bad Goys, Whatcha Gonna Do...
This Completely Fucking Insane Picture: Seriously what in the fuck:
We don't know if National Socialism is responsible for this, but we're blaming it anyway.
National Socialism lives on in many ways. Its influence can be seen in everything from South Africa's system of apartheid to the treatment of the Palestinians by the Israeli government. Wherever there are people who need to be oppressed, National Socialism is there to provide the means by which the underclass can be exploited and destroyed.
On November 4, 2008, America elected its first National Socialist president in Barack Obama. In a stunning display of political versatility, Obama is also a socialist, a communist, a terrorist, a Muslim, and a Negro. The world waits with bated breath for the day he forcibly converts the country to Islam and pulls the plug on grandmothers across the nation. We say bring it on Barack, with recent advances in genetics eugenics is ready to come back in a big way.
Israel continues to be the world leader in National Socialist policy. It's difficult to shower white phosphorous on children's heads if you view them as human beings, but luckily, the ideology of National Socialism allows Israel to view Palestinians as mere untermensch who can be destroyed without a second thought. The power of an ideology is clear when it is embraced even by its victims. Truly, National Socialism is the wave of the future.