Porpoises are the special needs cousin of the cetacean family.


This guy looks pretty happy, all things considered. You kids remember, attitude is everything.

Just The Facts

  1. Killer Whales, Dolphins and Porpoises are all cetaceans.
  2. Killer Whales and Dolphins are among the most intelligent, interesting, and beloved animals in the world.
  3. No one cares about Porpoises.
  4. Things are as they should be.

The Porpoise-Driven Life

Porpoise is a word that comes from the french "pourpois", which literally means "for peas". This makes so little sense that even in France they're now called "marsouins", while we happily spit out vegetable-talk like a bunch of chumps.

According to the encyclopedia porpoises, like all cetaceans, descended from ungulates who returned to the ocean fifty million years ago. This theory is so outlandish that all ticket sales from this article will be donated to The Discovery Institute.

This came from that? GTFO!

What's the Porpoise of all This?

You've probably gone your whole life thinking that "porpoise" is the latin term for a gay dolphin, but there's really a lot more to it than that. First of all there are six very diverse species of porpoise, making it difficult to speak in accurate generalizations about all porpoises. We will now break down the porpoise into it's appropriate categories:

Just kidding, we won't do that. The best way to describe a porpoise is explain the ways it's not a dolphin. The most obvious difference is most porpoises don't have a beak, instead their whole face opens. They also lack the dolphins' bulbous melon, or "head" to the layman, and they always seem to be smiling. These factors come together to put their appearance somewhere between "kinda weird looking" and Sloth from The Goonies.

Hey You Guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Living Under a Shadow: They Did it on Porpoise!

Porpoises are the Jan Bradys of nature. Their older brothers, dolphins and orcas, are arguably the two smartest animals in the world. They're the uncontested rulers of the sea, they star in movies, and they have their own line of dildos. Porpoises, meanwhile, are nick-named "sea pigs".

It's always Orca Orca Orca!

If that wasn't bad enough sometimes their big brothers pick on them, and by pick on them we mean kill them. Certain killer whales eat them, and dolphins have been known to murder them in what appear to be thrill-kill sprees.

Dolphins: Their most human trait is many of them are complete assholes

This last item is actually a point of some debate. When porpoise corpses started washing up on the beach bearing the tell-tale marks of dolphin beaks a lot of people saw this as proof that dolphins might not be as cuddly as previously advertised, that they were killing the poor li'l guys for fun. Some people, probably republicans played by James Woods, started wondering aloud why we worked so hard not to kill dolphins with our tuna nets if they're nothing but a bunch of marauding dicks with fins. Others suggested that the killings weren't pointless, that dolphins were smart enough to manage the number of predators in their ecosystem. They weren't killing the porpoises for fun but rather to ensure there was enough fish to go around; this human-like behavior should warrant them more sympathy, not less. The anti-hippies responded that people in foreign countries are a lot more human-like than dolphins and that doesn't stop us from killing them, and anyways tuna hasn't had nearly as much flavour since it went "dolphin free". The porpoise crowd pointed out that even in an article about porpoises people still end up talking about dolphins.

The Porpoise Crowd (DJ was a porpoise)

Porpoise Facts:

  • Porpoises are the smallest cetacean, and hunt fish and squids and such using echo-location the same way other cetaceans do, only in a less interesting fashion.

  • Porpoises seem especially vulnerable to fishing nets, but there is not such thing as "porpoise-free" tuna, because no one cares.

  • The one upside to being a porpoise is that the Japanese don't harpoon you. Psyche! They're harpooned like it's going out of style. Ironically campaigns to stop whaling have meant more dead porpoises, because we've just got to kill something.

  • The Dall's Porpoise can reach speeds of 55 km/h, about as fast as an orca.

  • Porpoises can dive down to 200 meters (that's below sea level).

  • The Vaquita Porpoise's name come from the Spanish for "little cow".

  • One of the other fascinating differences between porpoises and larger cetaceans is their more spade shaped teeth zzz..........................

Ninjas of the Sea Theory: Finding the Porpoise of Each Moment

There is actually something interesting thing about porpoises: they run silent; they play it cool. While killer whales and dolphins are busy doing back-flips for cameras, rescuing swimmers and killing sharks porpoises are silently going about their business, actively avoiding boats and people like sea-bound James Deans.

He came back as a porpoise

Porpoises aren't often kept in zoos or oceanarias because they don't engage in pointless acrobatics and are difficult to train. Most people chalk this up to them not being as smart as their cooler cousins, but think about it. Sea World is basically a prison, isn't behaving in such a way that discourages abduction and internment the smart thing to do? Porpoises even have this slick way of breathing where they roll as they surface so they hardly break the water. They are so rarely spotted that scientists don't even know whether or not to call them endangered, they are just too hard to track, too sneaky, too... ninja.

The aforementioned vaquitas not only don't rescue swimmers, they've been known to attack them. Why? Because damn the man, that's why. Porpoises keep their shit real.

See this face? This face doesn't need you, and he knows it. Though if could push him back into the water...

The Real Truth?

Who knows? Maybe porpoises kill dolphins all the time but are smart enough to hide the bodies, making dolphins look like the bad guys. Consider: Who stands to gain from dead porpoises washing up on shore for all the world to see? The porpoises have been made to look like the victims of dolphin-terrorists, but were they really? What does the evidence say?

We encourage you to do your own research and form your own conclusions, not just blindly follow the pied-pipers of mainstream media who are all in the pockets of big-dolphin-business.

Think Free.