Alcohol beverages are unquestionably among the best inventions ever. However, since they are so awesome, people tend to consume them as much as possible as fast as possible. This is called binge drinking and too often it leads to certain symptoms...
One of the signs is that the usual awesomness that is your phone`s outbox changes into a whining, emotional bitch almost comparable to star soccer players. When usually your texts are humorous, practical and laid-back then after a shot or five too much some things are going to change. Suddenly the company you have is not enough to entertain you and you have to call every single person in your phone and ask extremely important questions, such as: "What`s up?", or "Why are you sleeping?" Also, you do not grasp the idea that rather than party with you they would do some pointless stuff like sleep, work or spend time with their families. Fortunately, when you wake up in the morning you won`t remember anything about interrupting your friends or of the 10 minute speech to your ex about why you forgive her everything, how much fun you had (hopefully you forget to mention that as in "fun" you mean "fun in bed") and how you should give it another try.
Unfortunately, they will remember.
His ex didn`t respond to his voicemail fast enough.
What should I do?
The first thinkable action would be to to give your phone to your friends but who are we kidding, they are most probably as wasted as you are and understanding the drunk humour they would start prank calling everyone they could reach, including five potentially dateable women, your boss, a random friend from college and your grandmother. This means that you should still keep the phone to yourself, which brings you back to square one.Luckily for you, mobile phone companies have come up with a number of applications that test your sobriety even up to the level of including a breathalizer. Although at this point they have been mostly devoted to menial tasks such as preventing drunk driving, do not fear - the day when your phone says: "Dude, bad call!" is not far away.
This fenomenon is also called "beer vision" and "wearing beer goggles" and it has actually found scientific verification with proof and everything. Not that it needs any as this is the single biggest fear a man has when going out for a drink - hooking up and later waking up to a woman who has the body of a walrus and the left eye of Paris Hilton. The prospect of this is actually so frightening that a British politician called Al. Ig once proposed a ban on the menace of ugly women immigrating to The United Kingdom. Not getting the joke, real British custom officials later actually followed his lead.
Despite all the fear and all the efforts, almost every single man makes this mistake somewhere in their life.
Unfortunately for men, they do. Too often.
What should I do?
In this case the best thing is to hope for the help of your friends because oddly enough, the beer vision is not similar for everyone. While a specific unattractive woman may seem like a bikini model to you, your equally drunk friend, who has spent the last hour making out with the female version of Mickey Rourke, can tell you right away that unless you plan to mop the floors with your date, it is a bad idea.
"Oh, so you are the guy who hides razor blades in the sand in beaches? You so got me last month. I limped for a week! And you think that Stephenie Meyer deserves the same credit as Tolstoy and Hemingway? You are so cool! I want to hang out with you more. You just have to give me your number!."
Sounds familiar? This is called adapting your company to the situation or as it can also be put: spending time with the few people in the bar that can stand your sensless babbling and repeated jokes. Unfortunately, these are the people that don`t get to communicate with anyone else but you. Because they are idiots. And because you are drunk and feel an urge to socialise the alcohol lets you believe that these people are actually quite cool in their own special way. Which in reality they are. Only in this situation they are not special as in Christmas but special as in a guy who speaks Klingon.
What should I do?
If you are smart, you can get away from this situation quite easily and without harming your reputation as a person with at least average intellect. You just have to remember a few simple steps:
1. Do not tell them your real name
2. Do not give them your phone number or any other contact information
3. Do not let them drag your drunk body to any meetings of any kind.
Hey! I thought you said that they would have girls and beer here!
You are at your friends party and the line to the toilet exceeds the limits of your bladder. You can`t wait, you have wasted all you cash on booze and the people in the line for some reason do not accept credit cards, so bribing is out of question. So you go looking for a different place. But do you really have to do it in the kitchen sink? Or does "having sufficient illumination" really justify relieving yourself into the refrigerator? If the answers to both these questions in your mind are YES, then you are clearly too drunk.
What should I do?
Well, the next best thing is to go outside to the street. That is of course if you don`t live in Paris where a special pee-squad has been deployed to catch dangerous offenders like yourself. You can just imagine a normal day in the Paris equivalent of 911 call center.
Pierre: Hello, I need police right away. Someone has just destroyed my car and and is trying to get into my house. Oh my god, he has a knife! Please, for the sake of my children, come quick!
Operator: I am sorry Madam, all our units are chasing the real criminals - men who try to destroy houses by urinating on their walls. Try raising a white flag and surrenderering. Maybe he will go away.
Oh, great, a signpost! Now I can really improve my aiming!
Vomiting, also known as "reversed digestion" or "sharing your breakfast joy with the toilet floor" is the clearest sign that a person has had too much to drink. Apparently it is the liver`s way of saying: "Dude, I know that beer is cool and all, but you shouldn`t mix it with tequila and you really don`t have to drink it all today."
Paradoxically, after you have finished this jolly deed you have also emptied your stomach from alchohol, thus becoming "just drunk" instead of "too drunk". This means that the party can go on and you can now start a drinking contest with your friends. If you have been deliquate enough, they don`t even know you have a head start!
What should I do?
Well, after you have reached a certain point of intoxication there is not much you can do. Before drinking you can try eating fatty foods but mostly that is just delaying the problem. You should rather make it a fun game and find interesting places or styles to share the combination of you meals with the rest of the world. Maybe into the shoes of a person who called you a fatty in high school? Maybe creating an abstract painting on the toilet wall, floor and if you have talent - the ceiling? After all - why be ashamed of it? Even the ancient Romans did it.
Hmm, I sense strong influence from strawberry milkshake with a gentle glimpse of pasta.
For some weird reason unknown to even the wise people who invented beer, every single law of physics is replaced by a new single rule that is considered superior to even the great master and scholar Chuck Norris. This law is called "It`s not that X". ' This is how the theory was and still is put in use:
Jack: Hey! Let`s walk to McDonalds. I want a Happy Meal toy.
John: Dude, the nearest place is 10 miles. No way!
Jack: C`mon, it`s not that much. And we can take this six-pack on the way.
John: Well, now that you put it this way, it seems perfectly logical to me and I don`t see why not.
The very same can be applied to fighting with club bouncers, jumping off roofs and doing other stuff that people who don`t know the laws of alcoholism mistake for a deathwish. The real reason is that to drunk people Newton is just a name they mention to make them seem intelligent. Which in the mental state that is discussed in this article, they are not.
What should I do?
In this case there is not much you can do. The ideas that come to your mind usually seem so indisputably awesome that you will not believe the realistic nonsense your sober friends tell you. Sorry to say, but this is the time to go home and wake up to the sad world where rooftops are high and walls are not made of rubber. That is until you finish work and go for a drink of course!
Errgg, I am telling you, it`s right after that cloud. And it seems so far because it is a mira...mir..mirage. Yeah, that`s what it is.