Alcohol Consumption

Alcohol is the third most valuable substance in the world, after Chuck Norris and the internet.

Scientific Fact.

Just The Facts

  1. Many say that alcohol makes people do stupid things. This is a vicious lie.
  2. Alcohol is credited for the inventions of anaesthesiacs, attractive women and extra-strong headache tablets (Out of necessity)
  3. Alcohol is considered somewhat of a coming-of-age present. It is what young children aspire to use.
  4. Alcohol cannot cure cancer, however, it can cure the memory of having cancer.

Cracked on Alcohol

Chemists will tell you that an alcohol is any substance which contains a hydroxide group attached to a carbon chain. This, however true, is ridiculously useless, and was only put in this article so I could use the following picture, and get a cheap shot in on all the chemists in the world:

... And I don't even feel guilty.

The alchohol that us normal people talk about is ethanol, and it looks like this:

The most interesting thing you will see today.

This alcohol is simultaneously a reason to live and the meaning of life, and is therefore comparible to Chuck Norris, Christopher Walken and God. Fortunately for human-kind, alcohol is not a controlled subtance, unlike the others previously mentioned.

Other than in alcoholic drinks, people are stupidly putting alcohol in their cars, as antiseptics and as a solvent. It is also used in rocket fuel. This is widely regarded by the alcoholic public as the worst decision that NASA ever made, it made grown men cry:

Of course, human-kind have recognised alcohol's value, and charge women and men by its weight in gold. Next time you want to buy your woman/man a perfume/cologne, forget Chanel No# 9076, get a bottle of vodka and drop some flowers in it. You save loads of money, and it'll taste a lot better too!

Why Drink?

Alcohol has many uses for drinkers, and while there are a few negative aspects to it's consumption, the majority of it is good news:

Make That Ugly Girl Look Good:

As mentioned above, the postulated beer-goggles formula determines just how good the woman may look after a certain number of beers. I really wish I was making this up. But I'm not.

No, really.

According to the nut-jobs that actually figured this out, the variables are as follows:

  • An is the number of servings of alcohol
  • S is the smokiness of the area on a scale of 0 - 10
  • L is the lighting level of the area, measured in candelas per square meter, in which 150 is normal room lightning
  • Vo is Snellen visual acuity, in which 6/6 is normal and 6/12 is the lower limit at which someone is able to drive
  • d is the distance between the observer and the observed, measured in meters

Source: BBC NEWS

This means that after a certain number of beers, in a foggy room at a longer distance, with blurry vision, even this will look good:

"No Honey, You're beautiful!"

Prove that you're a Man:

The amount of shots a man can take is often interlinked with their level of masculinity. Unfortunately, shots tend to be fatal in most people.

I said most people... this is one exception

So instead, men take "Shots" of vodka to prove their manliness. Not only is this metaphorical test of might incredibly effective at reducing brain-cell count, it also increases the likelihood of stupid behaviour by over a million percent... but then again... that's why people drink to begin with.

There is a simple way to establish the maniliness of a subject undergoing this test, just follow this dot point summary:

  • If the subject can survive 2 shots, they are officially a girly girl, and may be subjected to years of torment and misery.

They usually look like this

  • If the subject survives 5 shots, they have proven to be a weak girly-man... but a man nonetheless.

A cheap shot.

  • If the subject is still conscious after 10 shots, they are a proven man, a man's man... this man:

"Hasta la Vodka, Baby"

  • If the subject somehow isn't concussed after more than 15, they are either Chuck Norris, or Harry Houdini. One of which is significantly cooler.

Take your pick

Being Drunk:

Yes, that's right, people get drunk, just to be drunk! It might be that overwhelming trancendental feeling of freedom that draws their breaths into long, drawn-out wheezes, or that it tastes good, but human-kind have found the ever-insatiable need to sustain their cravings for alcohol a necessity for survival, and why wouldn't they? Alcohol doesn't do anything bad to us!

I spoke too soon...

But be it the buzz given by feeling absolutely nothing, the gratuitous amount of burping competitions that rise from drunk gatherings or the fact that, for once, everyone looks good, the drunken escapades of human-kind have continued from ancient times, and show no signs of stopping... but hey! Who's complaining?

See what I did there?

The History Of Man-Kind (And How This Relates To Alcohol)

It is believed that when God handed the spark of life to Adam, he also gave him a bottle of rum, and when Adam and Eve were kicked out of Eden, God took it back. Most people say this was a pretty shitty move by God, to take back a present he gave them (The rum, not Eden). It is believed that this is the reason that Adam gave God a rib, he was too stoned to give a damn.

"... And Bro, I'll need something in return... how about a rib?"

Humanity first came to realise its true potential in the stone age where they began using previously useless pottery for storing their alcoholic liquor, which, needless to say, was one of the best ideas ever.

The World's First Beer Bottle


...then downgraded.

This trend continued until the current age, where it suddenly knocked off and decided it wasn't any fun to make beer bottles out of silicon. Kind of like how Nintendo realised that making video games was much cooler than selling japanese playing cards, before selling japanese playing cards again.

An improvement.