3 Ninjas

Not one, not two, but three ninjas. The casting director had a hard time finding the right actors for the roles; in his defense, he had a fairly demanding checklist:

Just The Facts

  1. 3 Ninjas is a movie about 3 children who are also ninjas.
  2. Oh and their grandpa is Japanese.
  3. There are three sequels, each of which has probably made like a hundred million dollars or something.

3 Ninjas

3 Ninjas is the first classic film in the 3 Ninjas saga. The audience is introduced to three little boys who are clearly not ninjas.


Or are they?

The boys visit their Asian grandfather, Mori, for the summer. As it turns out, Mori is batshit fucking insane and has been breeding his grandsons to become the ultimate killing machines. He then gives the children their ninja names:


The eldest boy, Rocky is given this name because his penis is often hard as a rock. Or something like that.


The middle child (like Malcolm), Colt fucking sucks and nobody likes him, so his nickname is gay.


Tum-Tum receives his nickname due to the immense amounts of Tums he induces, which probably contributes to his mental retardation.

In the movie, the 3 Ninjas try to fend off a few bumbling stoners that are attempting to kidnap them. It's sort of like Home Alone with a cast that sucks and more karate. The stoner stereotypes capture the kids and bring them to the secret lair of the villain, who is using the kids as leverage against his sworn enemy, the kids' father ( who happens to be an FBI agent). Rumor has it that this script was penned by director Jon Turteltaub's four year-old son; unfortunately a sub-plot revolving around the Fire Dinosaur who was eating a pizza with Optimus Prime had to be cut due to time constraints.

Eventually the kids escape the badguy's clutches, so he sends full-grown men out to murder them. Unfortunately, they fail, which brings us to...

3 Ninjas Kick Back

Oh God it's like someone vomited Skittles onto a movie poster

3 Ninjas Kick Back is the second 3 Ninjas film, but according to Cracked's team of experts at Wikipedia, it was filmed third. Wrap your head around that. This one's got the boys in Japan, a creative ploy that should probably be reserved for something later than the second film in the series. Hell, it took the Bad News Bears three movies to get there.

We'll skip through 90 minutes of kicks to the ballsack and get to the end, where the villain learns the error of his ways and returns the MacGuffi--wait, dagger--to Mori. This is an unrealistic representation of Japanese culture, as the villain traditionally should have used the aforementioned dagger to cut his stomach open in front of Grandpa and the boys, slowly dying in a pile of his own intestines and blood.

3 Ninjas Knuckle Up

In 3 Ninjas Knocked Up, the three boys are fucked and impregnated by a drunk Seth Ro--wait, Knuckle Up? Oh, shit. There go all the jokes for this section. Quick, read the plot from IMDB:

In this movie Rocky, Colt and TumTum must battle an evil wealthy toxic waste dumper in order to save a local Indian tribe and their friend Joe. The 3 Ninjas must help find Joe's father and find a secret disk that contains evidence that could stop the toxic landfill that is destroying the Indian community. However the town is owned by the rich man and he controls the police and even the mayor. They must fight a motorcycle gang and renegade cowboys in this non-stop ninja adventure

Whoa buddy, slow down. Toxic waste, a motorcycle gang, renegade cowboys and bloodthirsty Indians? This movie suddenly turned into the plot of some goddamn Troma movie starring Jean-Claude Van Damme. Like, Bloodkill Kickdick, or Hardcop Chopface or something. This sounds awesome. Let's see what Variety had to say:

"Knuckle Up" (which bears a 1992 copyright date) is thoroughly second-rate in all regards, with slapdash production values, cartoonish performances, by-the-numbers scripting and ridiculous martial-arts fight scenes that won't convince any youngster old enough to watch "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers."

Umm...so what he was probably trying to say was, "No sooner did Rocky finish punching his forty-third dick did I leap out of my seat in excitement, unable to hold in my anticipation at what would happen to these young ninjas next on their epic adventure."

3 Ninjas High Noon At Mega Mountain

There may or may not be some subtle homoeroticism going on at the top of this poster.

The unbelievably phenomenal 3 Ninjas High Noon At Mega Mountain has been anually nominated by the American Film Institute as the greatest film ever made. Or maybe it was Citizen Kane, we always get those mixed up. Whichever one has more ninjas probably.

Fun Fact:

Not only does this movie prominently feature "Hollywood" Hulk Hogan, whose career is dead, it also stars Jim Varney, who is actually dead.