3oh!3 is a two-piece improvisational comedy team that spe-...what? What do you mean these guys are musicians? That is most likely the stupidest fucking thing I have ever heard!
3oh!3 is a pair of guys, presumably homosexual, that have climbed the charts as one part of the trifecta of shitty fad music alongside Lady Gaga and, yknow, fucking Disney. I decided that, being dedicated to this topic page, i would give a listen to 3oh!3's latest album, Want. How bad can it be, right?
I should've known better...
The album kicks off with the instrumental song Tapp, which actually isn't an instrumental at all because no actual fucking instruments are used at all. See what 303 loves to do is to use shitty electronic beats that sound like a badger shitting out a full toaster into a microphone hooked up to a sound system that would make the Screaming Wall from Brutal Legend look like a pocket amp, you get the idea. After that, it goes right into the festively titled Punkbitch, that's gotta be good! Except for the fact that its all about what i assume to be them going to a strip joint and having a jolly good time doing it! Except for the fact that no one with the exception of Neil Patrick Harris thinks this is something worth bragging about, yeah im lookin at you NPH...
Actually, i take that back.
And here we reach the first single of the album, entitled Don't Trust Me, which sounds fine on it's own, if you ignore that the entire song is about a whore. Who this whore is i may never care, but one thing that is certain is that she don't trust them...smart girl. As if these weren't enough we come in at the fourth track which bears the monicker of Chokechain. I found this song especially entertaining, as it is a long list of why you shouldn't fuck with 303, because theyll fuck you up hardcore son. I mean who isn't afraid of two toothpick sized emo(and/or scene) punkasses from COLORADO, honestly they would strike fear into any man's heart. At this point we reach the track Im Not Your Boyfriend Baby, a shocking expose that informs me that i am not, in fact, 303's girlfriend. Im sure you can understand the heartbreak. It was at this point that i needed to go relieve myself for fear that my brain would literally turn to mush,
And so i dove back into the flurry of shitty drum machine compilations overdubbed with fake vocals, don't you wish you were me? Alright, so here we are at I Can't Do It Alone which is intruiging because, well, there's fucking two of them. To be honest, i really wasn't listening. I got distracted by a squirrel outside my window, which entertained me a significant amount more than this album has. But, next up is Starstrukk, spin the record bitches...see a record was made on vinyl when people made good music and-ahhh fuck it. This song objectifies women, that's it, that what ALL of their songs do, how do you people not GET THIS!? I really think i may die during the course this review, in which case please donate all my stuff to a charity that will allow the needy to throw my belongings at the members of 303. Anyway, next up is Richman...and what the fuck do they have againt spaces? Nevertheless Richman is essentially a song about how badass these guys are and that how they wont be swayed by the allure of money...they can dream right? Truth is these fuckers piss away money like it's their job because theyre about as smart as a pair of baboons from the zoo.
Above: 303 rehearsal.
I do believe that my kidneys are starting to fail, but i will finish this goddamn review! Fourth from the bottom is Photofinish. The truth is i really couldn't figure out what in the hell this song is about, i mean you just go ahead and try, im going to go throw up real quick. And here unfortunately 303 declares that they are Still Around. Wait, what the fuck. This song is about some shit with 303 missing some girl, while theyre entire album up to this point has been about thinking they can get women without paying them, i mean seriously if youre going to bullshit people at least make an effort! Eh, this girl is probably just another slut...i really hope some 303 fans read this and post their comedy-ridden hate comments, oh how they will call me a fag, such a textbook defense you silly emos. But i digress. This song segways horribly into Holler Til You Pass Out which is a motto that everyone should live by. Now before i played this song i felt quite nauseous as it was, but then i made the fatal mistake of pressing play...
Damn you, sir.
This song is basically a romp through the world of being 303, or what they think their lives are. Basically it involves three key components: booze (presumably apple dackeries), women (presumably the hooker with the neck brace), and being gangster (wearing your abercrombie shirt untucked, FORESHAME). The music video doesnt help their case, as it's just a compilation of them dancing with small boys. And then i reached the promise land, the final track entitled Colorado Sunrise...right, do you know what a Colorado sunrise looks like?
THIS IS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE, YOU FUCKERS.
But i had a job to finish, much as the zombie is not dead until the head is removed, and so i went in to kill the beast. Now, id like to first say that i don't give two shits if youre from Colorado, it's not a good state, so save your hate for someone who cares, mmk? Anyway heading into this i had contracted tetanus and developed nice cases of dysentery and cholera. Either way, this is another bullshit song about some girl that's probably a whore but they don't want to admit that and want to paint a picture like it's so romantic. There, im fucking done! Praise Jesus, Allah, God, Buddha, Shiva, Xenu, and even Satan, i made it. I hope you found this review informative, now please go out, purchase all copies of Want from your local ,music stores, stack them in a neat pile and light it on fire. And if you could, film it and send it to me, i need a pick-me-up.
** MORE TO COME , REVIEW PUT ME IN STATE OF SHOCK, I APOLOGIZE**