Top 10 Mall Ninja Guns

This conveys the top 10 mall ninja guns of our time, in all their bonerific glory. What is a mall ninja you may ask? Pretty much anyone who is pissing themselves over the release of Modern Warfare 2 and masturbating to their $200+ Marui airsoft gun.

Only a true operator could wield such a weapon...

Just The Facts

  1. Mall ninjas were first introduced to society in 1913 with the introduction of the picatinny rail. Obviously there were no mall ninjas in the 1500s, as the Arquebus had no rails.
  2. It has been well documented that Jesus and Moses fought off the Romans using AK-47s. Just watch Family Guy.
  3. It's possible the first fictional mall ninja depicted on film was Rambo, who wielded a belt fed machine gun in every film to detract from his steroid filled muscles.

#10 - Automatic Assault-12 (AA-12) shotgun

The first gun on our list is the Automatic Assault-12 (AA-12) shotgun, also known as the scariest fucking device on Earth to the ATF:

You may have seen this beast on FutureWeapons, or maybe during one of those Youtube quests everybody's had at least once in their life. And I'm sure you thought it was hot shit. I mean, it's a drum fed, fully automatic shotgun! What's not to love? It fires buckshot, slugs, birdshot, flares, less-lethal rounds, and Frag-12 rounds. You know, shotgun rounds that fucking explode on impact! And it has a low recoil system so your shoulder doesn't take a Mike Tyson punch from 20 rounds.

Here's the problem... it's a shotgun. The ammunition and the magazines that house it are huge. The 10 round magazine is a big as a brick. The 20 round drum is as bulky as Rosie O'Donnell. You'll be lucky if you can carry more than two or three spare magazines, tops. And the weapon is firing these rounds on full-auto. Do the math on this one, full-auto, 20 rounds. That about a good five seconds of ass-kicking fun. But once your unstoppable beheamoth runs dry, you're boned. And the truth is, you don't *need* to send that much shotgun spew down range. The shotgun is a close range single purpose weapon. Trying to make it a multi-purpose assault weapon is like trying to make a cookie out of cat-shit. It might look like a cookie, but it still tastes like cat shit.

Oh, but lets not forget the HAMMER system! Oh yeah, lets slap two of these fuckers together, mount them upside down, and remotely fire them from the top of a vehicle:

It doesn't even *look* like a hammer...

It doesn't even look like a hammer...

GREAT idea. Except when those 40 rounds are done in about ten seconds and you now have a nice roof ornament. If you're in combat, chances are you don't want to poke your head out and reload these things.

#9 - Heckler & Koch MP7A1

The next weapon on our list is the Heckler & Koch MP7A1, the personal defense weapon of the future:

Hitler und Koke-head's piss-poor dick-compensating weapon, or PDW.

Hitler und Koke-head's piss-poor dick-compensating weapon, or PDW.

Ooh, so sexy, sleak, and tacti-cool. I'm sure you've heard nothing but A+ reviews on the MP7A1. I mean, it's an HK weapon, there's no such thing as bad publicity for them right? Maybe that's because THEY control their publicity. And being a civilian, you've probably never even seen one of these in person before. Because you suck, and HK hates you. Look under the gun, it says so under the foregrip. Oh wait! You can't, because you can't see the fucking gun!

Now the MP7A1 is basically a big "fuck you" to the guys at FN-USA. After they built the FN P90, that really cool PDW in 5.7x28mm...:

The non-bastard child of the PDW world...

The non-bastard child of the PDW world.

...they felt small in the pants and had to retaliate. So they built a new bullet, the underpowered 4.6x30mm, because god forbid anyone has some form of conveniance and can use readily available ammunition, and released the MP7A1. Thanks to FutureWeapons and Rainbow Six: Vegas, you probably love this weapon. It's not a mutual relationship, and the gun is a whore. Find a new piece and move on... let Woody Harrelson enjoy it.

Woody may be shooting blanks here, but so was H&K... (credit goes to IMFDb.org for the screencaps from Zombieland)

Woody may be shooting blanks here, but so was H&K. (credit goes to www.IMFDb.org for the screencaps from Zombieland)

#8 - Glock 18

Next on the list is the Glock 18, tupperware machine pistol:

A 3rd-gen Glock 18C.

A 3rd-gen Glock 18C.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a Glock-hater. I mean, they're polymer framed pistols that cram more in their well than Paris Hilton. Toss it in the ocean and watch it continue to operate. Run it over with a truck and watch it still fire. Glocks are fucking cool. But there is a point when one takes coolness too far. In this case, that point is the Glock 18. Basically, good ol' Gaston Glock decided to take his pistol design, and make it capable of firing at 1300rpm. Sounds good in theory, works horrible in practice. Do you know why the tortoise beat the hare? Because when something is faster, it sucks. Sex is a good example of this...

Unfortunately no one will be able to do more than duly note what I'm saying here. Why? Because Gunnery Sergeant R. Lee Ermey will kick your fucking ass if you don't love Glock. Semper Fi!

Hooh-ah, motherfucker! (image from IMFDb.org)

Hoo-ah, motherfucker! (image from www.IMFDB.org of Mail Call)

#7 - Magpul FMG-9

Up next is the same gun in a new plastic shell, the Magpul Folding Machine Gun-9 or FMG-9:

The Magpul FMG-9, the deadliest toolbox out there...

The Magpul FMG-9, the deadliest toolbox on the market...

Now this gun is a double-mall ninja weapon. Not only is it a folding machine gun, it's housing a -- Glock 18! Like some cruel joke, this weapon is the equivalent of a drunken one night stand, when you aren't aware the chick is actually a pre-op trannie:

ALMOST as bad as a chick with a dick...

Almost as bad as a chick with a dick.

Now, what is the marketing ploy on this weapon? I highly doubt any civilians can buy it (since, you know, it's a machine gun that folds up like a tool-box) yet who else would legally use it? Police? Military? Who needs to look inconspicious in such a scenario? The enemy might suspect something if all our soldiers are walking around with toolboxes. But hey, it has a flashlight on it too incase you need to see in the dark when you sneak up and kill someone with your lunchbox gun.

#6 - Stoeger Double Defense Coach shotgun

Next up to the plate is the Stoeger Double Defense Coach shotgun:

What a surprise, it has rails...

What a surprise, it has rails.

This gun is proof you can make anything tacti-cool if you put picatinny rails on it. I mean, what next? Muskets with EOTech sights and Surefire lights? What more is there to say? All it needs is a faux-M203 flare launcher mounted on it and the universe will finally collapse on itself.

#5 - KBP Instrument Design Bureau PP-2000

Next is the KBP IDB PP-2000 submachine gun:

If you're laughing because the acronym has PP in it... so am I.

If you're laughing because the acronym has PP in it... so am I.

If you aren't completely tongue-tied by that mile long jumble of acronyms, you're probably wondering what this ugly little bastard is. It's Russia's answer to the PDW. It's small, fires 9mm, and has controllable recoil. They also designed a +P+ 9mm round to fire in it so it could take a huge dump on H&K and FN-USA's PDW designs. So, it's *kinda* cool. But it's stock is either a wire stock or a spare magazine. If you opt to use the wire stock, you're now carrying one less spare mag. If you opt to use the spare magazine as the stock, when you use that spare mag, now you have no stock. This mind fuck alone is enough to make any operator go crazy:

Solution - use neither the stock or the spare magazine. Extra mall ninja points for firing it with one hand and a bent elbow.

Solution - use neither the stock or the spare magazine. Extra mall ninja points for firing it with one hand and a bent elbow.

#4 - Cobray CM203 Flare Launcher

Here's something every mall ninja's AR-15 needs, a Cobray CM203 Flare Launcher:

On the top is the real 40mm M203, on the bottom if the faux-M203, a 39mm flare launching phony.

On the top is the real 40mm M203, on the bottom is the faux-M203, a 39mm flare launching phony.

Obviously the Cobray flare launcher looks a lot like the M203 grenade launcher. Film makers agree, you may have seen they substitute the M203 with this thing all the time. But what is the point of this device, truly? Does one attach it to his AR-15 so when he accidentally twists his ankle while deer hunting he can fire a flare into the air for help? No, he attaches it because it looks like a really fucking cool grenade launcher. And who knows, maybe it'll scare off Smokey the Bear when he comes to kick your ass for burning down the forest with that flare, you asshole.

...could be such a dumbass.

...could be such a dumbass.

#3 - Mossberg Cruiser variants

Third on the list is the Mossberg "Cruiser" variants:

A Mossberg 590 "Cruiser" with a door breacher muzzle break. You know, so you can breach some doors in your own house...

A Mossberg 590 "Cruiser" with a door breacher muzzle break. You know, so you can breach some doors in your own house...

Don't let its innocent looks fool you, this weapon is a major mall ninja offender. Most people start off with a standard Mossberg 500/590 shotgun. Then they get bored with it. "Eh, I'll slap a pistol grip on it." Now it's pretty damn cool, right? "Hmm, it needs a heat shield. I burn my thumb so badly when I fire off hundreds of rounds at insurgents in my backyard." Now you have a Cruiser, baby! Now comes the 1-point tactical sling, the pump sling, and the door breacher muzzle. Also, buy some copper shot shotgun shells so you can safely breach door locks. Since its a home defense gun, you'll be breaching your own fucking doors, but who cares?! You're an operator now dammit!

#2 - Smith & Wesson Model 500

Ironically number 2 on the list is the Smith & Wesson Model 500:

Dirty Harry shrinks in stature...

Dirty Harry shrinks in stature...

What mall ninja wouldn't want to own this beast? It is *the* most powerful production revolver available on the market. Firing five massive .500 S&W Magnum rounds, you will discover very quickly that bears DO shit in the woods, mainly out of fear of being shot by this piece. And not only is it 100% lethal to those on the recieving end, it's pretty lethal to the person firing it too. The recoil is harder than your grandpa on Viagra. People have had their thumbs severed by the gas exhaust from the cylinder gap. And eyes have been blinded by poorly mounted scopes following Newton's second law devoutly. Basically the gun hates you and the enemy:

Warning! Heavy recoil may cause loss of testicles.

Warning! Heavy recoil may cause loss of testicles.

The worste part about this gun? It's falsely holding a position it doesn't have. Many believe this gun to be the most powerful handgun in the world. It's not. It's the most powerful PRODUCTION handgun in the world. That's because the real rightful owner of this label is the Pfeifer-Zeliska .600 Nitro revolver. It's also the largest handgun in the world, and cannot physically be fired free-hand.

Fuck Doom, here's your BFG right here...

Fuck Doom, here's your BFG right here...

And for dramatic effect, here's a guy firing the gun from a rest. Amazingly, he survived.

You cannot blame him for experiencing magnum flinch, just LOOK at the gun!

You cannot blame him for experiencing magnum flinch, just look at the gun!

#1 - Desert Eagle

Last and certainly least on the list is the Desert Eagle:

Proof you CAN polish a turd. And plate it in 24k gold...

Proof you can polish a turd. And plate it in 24k gold...

Every mall ninja has a "Deagle" as their sidearm, it's a rule. Who cares that it weighs five pounds, is unreliable, and has massive recoil? Mickey Rourke in "Year of the Dragon", Arnold Schwarzenegger in "Last Action Hero", The Agents in "The Matrix series" and Demi Moore in "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle". Cinema has done an excellent job of making the Desert Eagle look like the baddest motherfucking handgun in the world. And hey, you just pwned five noobs on COD4 with it. AND got it gold plated. But that's fiction. In real life you buy one, your hands get tired after holding it for five minutes, you piss away tons of money on a small amount of .50 AE ammo, bruise your hands firing it, miss every can you set up for targets, spend 10 minutes trying to fix the stove-pipe stoppage it had, and then finally sell it for a nice 1911 instead.

Hey, something the DE has going for it is that it shot Keanu Reeves a dozen times in the chest. It failed though because he's still alive, continuing to act on a subpar level...

Hey, something the DE has going for it is that it shot Keanu Reeves a dozen times in the chest. It failed though because he's still alive, continuing to act on a sub-par level.