Ducks rape so much that their genitals are evolving in rape-specific ways, creating what real scientists are calling a "sexual arms race."
Now "Sexual arms race" is a pretty spicy term, but that's exactly what's going on. To say that drakes (male ducks) are out to fuck anything that moves implies a level of fussiness that's simply not there. A Dutch researcher once saw one drake ravage another male's lifeless duck-corpse for seventy-five fucking minutes. They'll hump any species, any gender, anytime. Ducks have a mating ritual scientifically known as "rape flight", which can involve multiple drakes attacking a single lady-duck, often drowning or pecking her to death. Ducks are not nice.
His name is duck, and he's here to fuck (Possibly a girl)
Now lady-ducks, like all animals and most humans, take pregnancy pretty seriously and like to be able to chose who fathers their next generation of sexual predators. Drakes, being surprisingly family orientated for serial rapists, are rarely satisfied with simply knocking their victims down. Thanks to the marvel of evolution (we hope) what this translates to is increasingly elaborate penises and incredibly cryptic vaginas. "Elaborate penises", "cryptic vaginas", once again these aren't our words, it's science. Ladies we know you can grow some pretty magical gardens, but could you say they're "cryptic"?
So where's the clitoris?
Ducks have the avian equivalent of nuclear stockpiling going on in their pants- wait, actually it's a lot closer to the Federation vs. the Borg. The females adapt to the drakes' weapons (like the Borg do) and the drakes keep working to build a bigger, better penis (like the time Picard kept changing the phaser frequency and blew a huge hole in the cube. Remember that?)
Like that but with penises.
Probably the first major development in the history of duck-rape is the fact that they have penises in the first place. Most birds, like 97% of them, ain't got nothing. A rooster, for example, has no cock (which would be like if a cat had no... nevermind). They just have one all-purpose hole that they simply "kiss" their partner's all-purpose hole with to mate. Now this is a quick, easy process if everyone is on board, but when you're forcing the issue it can be pretty tough to line everything up, so the drakes thought ahead and evolved a phallus, and not just any phallus.
This guy has no dick, no dick at all.
Which vertebrate do you think has the biggest unit (by unit we mean phallus, which is fancy talk for dong), relative to his size? A gorilla? An elephant? That guy who laughed at you in the shower that one time at the Y? Those jerks have nothing compared to some ducks. Duck dinks can grow as long their entire bodies, twice as long in some cases, measuring up to seventeen inches. Seventeen is just a number, so to put this in practical terms that's more than twice the size of the pianist in the classic joke (Never heard it? So a man walks into a bar and from pulls out a tiny piano...)
Let's quote a Yale article now! "Waterfowl are distinct in having great diversity among species in the length and ornamentation of the phallus." Ornamentation? Is it bejeweled?
Legitimate scientist Kevin McCracken (real name, presumed brother to Phil) actually said in an interview with National Geographic, "Our best guess is that the birds use [the long penis] as a kind of lasso. The males have to chase the females, and even during copulation the females are trying to escape." What exactly he meant by this is a little unclear. Was he being metaphorical? Did he mean like a lasso that spears you? Was he joking (When your name's McCraken you need to evolve a sense of humour) Or does he really think there are ducks running around, whirling their wieners above their head like hell's version of Sheriff Woody?
Like this but with penises
We may never know. What we do know is the horror doesn't stop there.
The duck phallus isn't just big, it corkscrews. Corkscrews you say? Corkscrews. It twists counter-clockwise, giving it the appearance of a big, fleshy, horrifying drill, which makes sense when you consider that's exactly what it is.
Like we said, elaborate
"Wait just a minute!" you might be saying, "You promised us a sexual arms race! So far this has been all cock, all the time!"
Don't you worry, the vaginas are coming up next.
They corkscrew too; the vaginas that is. Now this is might seem counter-intuitive, after all don't pig-parts spiral, allowing their genitals to fit so well they get thirty-minute orgasms? Possibly, but that's not what we're talking about here because duck vaginas spiral the opposite way as the drake penises! The opposite! Have you ever accidentally cross-threaded the lid to a jar of peanut-butter? Didn't you think, "Wow I'm sure glad my penis doesn't have to go through this?"
What marvelous evolutionary ingenuity! What inventive adaption! Surely the penis would have no answer to this?
Clearly you must be new here, of course the penis has an answer, and of course it's like something out of a nightmare. First of all, now get this, the sperm doesn't run down the middle of the penis like it does in other, God-fearing dicks. No, for the ducks it travels to the tip via a grove on the outside of the shaft. Not an enclosed tube, a grove; so the sperm can feel the wind through their hair as they rush towards glory.
Like this but with sperm
We suppose this means that if anything goes wrong partway through then sperm just gets spilled all over everything, causing the worst sort of stains.
Not that this precaution is terribly necessary, because once a drake achieves... union, that penis is like a bad house guest: he's not leaving until he's good and ready. Why is that? In addition to being corkscrewed it is also spiked. Picture Sinbad crossed with Pinhead, now turn that into a penis.
What other horrors could possibly be added to ensure that ducks take home the much coveted, "Most Elaborate Penis" award? How about a feather duster? Their tips come equipped with soft "dusters" to clean off the sperm left from previous entries, and just to generally tidy up the place (Would you want to hang out inside a dusty cervix?)
Combine these things and then fuck the result and you have a day in the life of a duck.
What's the vagina's response to all this "ornamentation"? How about false passages, dead ends, and trap doors? We have may have exaggerated the trap doors, but duck vaginas really do have false passages that lead to nowhere, like a smuggler's cove. Imagine this: You're a penis is racing like you stole something down the vaginal passage when you reach a fork in the road? Really? One path leads to the fertile ovaries and the other goes absolutely nowhere. Well not nowhere, but to a sack who's only purpose is to store unwanted sperm so it can be Thandie Newton-ed later.* Can you imagine?
Ducks have the vaginal equivalent of the McAllister residence between their legs! Actually the Winchester Mansion is probably a better comparison, but either way it's nothing you'd want to be inside of without at good map and a flashlight.
As we already said, at least a third of duck-sex is forced, but only an estimated 2% of duck-pregnancies are the results of duck-rape. What the duck does this mean? Right now the vagina is winning, which is good, they're definitely the home team on this one.
So next time you're staring out the window, wishing you could throw off the shackles of humanity and take to the skies free as a bird take a moment and be glad you're not a duck, living a life where rape is so common your anatomy is evolved in a way to make you either a better violator or at least good at not getting pregnant from it.
Also be glad you're not an eagle, those guys don't even have penises.
*This was a bulimia joke, is that how it read?
P.S All joking aside the author of this article has actually witnessed attempted duck rape. A goose with no connection to the victim swam over and chased the attacker off, it was one of the most amazing things he has ever seen.