5 Men Who Have Killed Animals With Their Bare Hands
Just The Facts
- 5 Men Who Have Killed With Their Bare Hands
- Manly Men Who Make The Rest Of Us Sissies
- Seriously. A BEAR.
5 Men Who Have Killed With Their Bare Hands
Anyone can kill another man with their bare hands. All you need is your hands and someone with a skinny neck that is susceptible to choking.
But to kill an animal with your bare hands? That takes a REAL man. The kind of guy who has a five o'clock shadow right after he shaves with a knife he sharpened on the skull of the LAST guy he choked the piss out of for pointing out that he had a 5 o'clock shadow.
And we're not talking little animals either. No bunnies or kittens or stupid yapper dogs that adorn purses of rich chicks who want to get back at Daddy by slutting it up.
Nono. We're talking REAL animals.
Real animals that can fight BACK. Yet these men have earned the right to swing their mammoth love muscles over their shoulders and judge the rest of us for being lady folk. Let's start with:
When a man breaks into your house, and into the bedroom of your young daughter, any father will go insane with protective rage. If that father happens to have a manly name like "Wayne" and lives in a state like Arkansas where it is still legal to kill people simply because "they needed killing", that burglar is extremely fucked.
Especially if that burglar is a five point buck.
It is a proven fact that men in Arkansas lay awake at night, furiously masturbating to the thought of getting to kill someone who is breaking into their home. Studies have shown that they'll go so far as to leave their front door unlocked while laying a trail of one dollar bills in a path towards their high end TV's.
So the night that a confused white tail deer crashed through his daughter's window and started stomping around her room, Wayne Goldsberry had one of the most powerful orgasms of his life, and then did the only thing you can do when coming down from a sex high.
He killed the deer with his bare hands.
For 40 minutes Wayne Goldsberry wrestled with the full grown deer, and in what was later described as a room with "blood splattered the walls", finally broke its neck before dragging it out of his house (presumably with his penis) and disposing of it on his lawn.
Now while deer often get the reputation of being the limp wristed girl throwers of the animal kingdom, they still have the honor of being a wild fucking animal. A wild fucking animal with antlers and teeth and hooves, and whatever other natural defenses that keep a deer alive long enough for it to be hit by your car late at night.
So for a man to not only wrestle one, but kill it with his bare hands is no small task - and this is the weakest and least deadly animal ON this list. Which means that if Wayne Goldsberry is a pussy, he's a pussy who is 9,000 times more manly than you, and only slightly less manly than:
To be fair, Clarence Hall is a professional.
He hunts shit, tracks shit, and knows more about shit in the woods than a laxative filled bear. So if anyone were to choke the shit out of say, a cougar, you'd expect that man to be Clarence Hall.
Look at your Grandfather. What his he? 67? 68? Almost 10 years younger than Clarence Hall? Now picture your Grandfather going toe-to-toe with anything larger than a really irate squirrel and you *might* get a bit of perspective as to how fucking insanely awesome Clarence Hall is.
But it gets better.
Not only did Clarence Hall successfully wrestle with and FIGHT a fucking cougar - but when help arrived in the form of a guy with a gun, Clarence "my testicles are so big my thighs have permanent dents' Hall told him *NO*.
He says it was because he was afraid that the other hunter was going to miss and hit him, but we all know the truth.
Clarence wasn't fucking DONE with that Cougar, and knowing that at age 77 Death was booking a ticket to fly out and see him, he wanted to get in a few extra pokes because Heaven doesn't allow Cougar Fighting.
Which sucks for:
Moses Lekalau, a herdsman in Kenya was minding his own business while taking a nice outside of his village when he was jumped by a fucking LION.
Now you and I might find this horrific and nightmarish, but in Kenya they call it "Wednesday", so Moses did what he was probably used to doing; he fought the lion off with his staff.
That's right, Moses had a fucking STAFF and for the better part of an hour he fought off the lion, killing it with his bare fucking hands. Which is an act so manly, and so awesome that he got the notice of GOD HIMSELF, who suddenly felt a bit less masculine in the presence of a guy who just went toe to toe with a LION.
So he had a pack of Hyenas jump him as he was catching his breath.
No lie. After going several rounds with a lion and winning, using only the technological marvels of his home town, (aka, a stick) he got jumped by a pack of Hyenas who were watching the whole thing and presumably sent by God in order to save the planet.
He later died of his wounds in a nearby hospital, which sounds like a sad ending to a manly tale, but in truth means that he somehow ESCAPED A PACK OF HYENAS.
And now that he's dead, God is nervous. Especially since he also has to deal with:
C. Dale Peterson
Not much is known about C. Dale Peterson.
He doesn't have a page on Facebook, there's no wiki centered around him or his life, and since real men don't twitter, you won't find is minute-by-minute thoughts.
No, for C. Dale Peterson, there is only a humble plaque.
HE KILLED A FUCKING GRIZZLY WITH HIS BARE FUCKING HANDS AND ALL HE GETS IS A GOD DAMN PLAQUE?!?
Kind of makes that minute-by-minute of his thoughts on Twitter suddenly seem pretty goddamn manly, doesn't it? Oh, Aston Kutcher is hanging with P-Diddy? That's nice, oh, look, C. Dale Peterson is killing a fucking GRIZZLY with his bare hands, and since it is on Twitter, he's doing it in 140 characters or less.
Men like C. Dale Peterson walk by lesser men, and like those frogs they used in Jurassic Park to bring back the T-Rex, he makes us spontaneously sprout girl parts. Which we then quickly offer up to C. Dale Peterson, so that he doesn't kill us with his bare fucking hands.
I mean, he killed a Grizzly. Who could POSSIBLY top that? How about:
With a name like Sigurdur Petursson, you'd probably want to make a joke about his name in a voice like Mike Myers as "Goldmember".
Which sucks for your dumb ass there Chuckles, because you'd be dead before the first syllable of your bad impression left your mouth. Sigurdur Petursson doesn't fuck around.
In fact, no one even dares CALL him Sigurdur Petursson for fear of death. The author of this article suffered several broken bones just by TYPING his given name. Instead, the crew of his ship "Erik the Red" call him by his nickname.
So what did The Iceman do to earn the respect? Oh, nothing much. He just Captains a ship through the frozen lands of Naydor, has a beard given to him by Chuck Norris as a sign of submission, and what was that last thing? Oh yeah.
HE KILLED A FUCKING SHARK WITH HIS BARE HANDS.
Seems that while his crew was in shallow water processing a catch of fish and trying not to blink too hard as the sound has been known to throw their Captain into a fit of rage, The Iceman noticed a 660lb shark swimming towards his crew.
Instead of calling out to them like a pussy, he jumped in, waded over, grabbed the little fucker by the tail and proceeded to haul it up to dry land where beat the ever loving piss out of it.
He beat a shark to death, with his bare hands because he didn't feel like YELLING to his crew. A shark. The Grizzly Bear of the frigging ocean. The thing that ate most of a boat and all of Robert Shaw in Jaws.
And he beat it to death with his bare hands.
He should open his own sex change clinic, because just reading the article caused me to sprout a vagina, which I will be using to please him - as God intended.