Killed With Bare Hands
5 Men Who Have Killed Animals With Their Bare Hands
Just The Facts
- 5 Men Who Have Killed With Their Bare Hands
- Manly Men Who Make The Rest Of Us Sissies
- Seriously. A BEAR.
5 Men Who Have Killed With Their Bare Hands
Anyone can kill another man with their bare hands. All you need is your hands and someone with a skinny neck that is susceptible to choking.
But to kill an animal with your bare hands? That takes a REAL man. The kind of guy who has a five o'clock shadow right after he shaves with a knife he sharpened on the skull of the LAST guy he choked the piss out of for pointing out that he had a 5 o'clock shadow.
And we're not talking little animals either. No bunnies or kittens or stupid yapper dogs that adorn purses of rich chicks who want to get back at Daddy by slutting it up.
Nono. We're talking REAL animals.
Real animals that can fight BACK. Yet these men have earned the right to swing their mammoth love muscles over their shoulders and judge the rest of us for being lady folk. Let's start with:
Wayne Goldsberry
When a man breaks into your house, and into the bedroom of your young daughter, any father will go insane with protective rage. If that father happens to have a manly name like "Wayne" and lives in a state like Arkansas where it is still legal to kill people simply because "they needed killing", that burglar is extremely fucked.
Especially if that burglar is a five point buck.
He killed the deer with his bare hands.
For 40 minutes Wayne Goldsberry wrestled with the full grown deer, and in what was later described as a room with "blood splattered the walls", finally broke its neck before dragging it out of his house (presumably with his penis) and disposing of it on his lawn.
Now while deer often get the reputation of being the limp wristed girl throwers of the animal kingdom, they still have the honor of being a wild fucking animal. A wild fucking animal with antlers and teeth and hooves, and whatever other natural defenses that keep a deer alive long enough for it to be hit by your car late at night.
So for a man to not only wrestle one, but kill it with his bare hands is no small task - and this is the weakest and least deadly animal ON this list. Which means that if Wayne Goldsberry is a pussy, he's a pussy who is 9,000 times more manly than you, and only slightly less manly than:
Clarence Hall
To be fair, Clarence Hall is a professional.
Look at your Grandfather. What his he? 67? 68? Almost 10 years younger than Clarence Hall? Now picture your Grandfather going toe-to-toe with anything larger than a really irate squirrel and you *might* get a bit of perspective as to how fucking insanely awesome Clarence Hall is.
But it gets better.
Not only did Clarence Hall successfully wrestle with and FIGHT a fucking cougar - but when help arrived in the form of a guy with a gun, Clarence "my testicles are so big my thighs have permanent dents' Hall told him *NO*.
He says it was because he was afraid that the other hunter was going to miss and hit him, but we all know the truth.
Clarence wasn't fucking DONE with that Cougar, and knowing that at age 77 Death was booking a ticket to fly out and see him, he wanted to get in a few extra pokes because Heaven doesn't allow Cougar Fighting.
Moses Lekalau
That's right, Moses had a fucking STAFF and for the better part of an hour he fought off the lion, killing it with his bare fucking hands. Which is an act so manly, and so awesome that he got the notice of GOD HIMSELF, who suddenly felt a bit less masculine in the presence of a guy who just went toe to toe with a LION.
So he had a pack of Hyenas jump him as he was catching his breath.
No lie. After going several rounds with a lion and winning, using only the technological marvels of his home town, (aka, a stick) he got jumped by a pack of Hyenas who were watching the whole thing and presumably sent by God in order to save the planet.
He later died of his wounds in a nearby hospital, which sounds like a sad ending to a manly tale, but in truth means that he somehow ESCAPED A PACK OF HYENAS.
And now that he's dead, God is nervous. Especially since he also has to deal with:
C. Dale Peterson
Not much is known about C. Dale Peterson.
No, for C. Dale Peterson, there is only a humble plaque.
HE KILLED A FUCKING GRIZZLY WITH HIS BARE FUCKING HANDS AND ALL HE GETS IS A GOD DAMN PLAQUE?!?
Kind of makes that minute-by-minute of his thoughts on Twitter suddenly seem pretty goddamn manly, doesn't it? Oh, Aston Kutcher is hanging with P-Diddy? That's nice, oh, look, C. Dale Peterson is killing a fucking GRIZZLY with his bare hands, and since it is on Twitter, he's doing it in 140 characters or less.
Men like C. Dale Peterson walk by lesser men, and like those frogs they used in Jurassic Park to bring back the T-Rex, he makes us spontaneously sprout girl parts. Which we then quickly offer up to C. Dale Peterson, so that he doesn't kill us with his bare fucking hands.
I mean, he killed a Grizzly. Who could POSSIBLY top that? How about:
Sigurdur Petursson
With a name like Sigurdur Petursson, you'd probably want to make a joke about his name in a voice like Mike Myers as "Goldmember".
Ever.
In fact, no one even dares CALL him Sigurdur Petursson for fear of death. The author of this article suffered several broken bones just by TYPING his given name. Instead, the crew of his ship "Erik the Red" call him by his nickname.
Iceman.
HE KILLED A FUCKING SHARK WITH HIS BARE HANDS.
Instead of calling out to them like a pussy, he jumped in, waded over, grabbed the little fucker by the tail and proceeded to haul it up to dry land where beat the ever loving piss out of it.
He beat a shark to death, with his bare hands because he didn't feel like YELLING to his crew. A shark. The Grizzly Bear of the frigging ocean. The thing that ate most of a boat and all of Robert Shaw in Jaws.
And he beat it to death with his bare hands.
He should open his own sex change clinic, because just reading the article caused me to sprout a vagina, which I will be using to please him - as God intended.
Worthy stories all, and well told. Check out Roy Boehm's book, "First Seal", for a fun story about him killing a big shark in revenge for it eating his crew members who were stranded, and swimming for shore. Granted, he had a knife, but still, a shark...in its own territory... First SEAL = Bad Ass SEAL!
ReplyThe link provided in the Sigurdur Petursson part says "Captain Sigurdur Petursson, known to locals as "the Iceman", ran into the shallow water and grabbed the shark by its tail. He dragged it off to dry land and killed it with his knife." Still a badass, just don't think that quite counts as his bare hands.
ReplyI believe the feats of C. Dale Peterson were the most impressive. A grizzly bear can easily disembowel a man with a simple swipe of their paw. The fact that he not only fought but won a fight against such a beast is incredible and is truly a feat of supreme manliness.
ReplyHe also did it... WITH HIS FRIGGIN TEETH!!!
You are also manly if you have ever killed an animal LARGER THAN YOURSELF
ReplyManly facts of Manly Men
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesNote: not conforming to the facts stated in no way means you are not a man, just not manly.
1. A manly man has or has had a dog as a pet. He did not necessarily raise it from a puppy, but knew it for the vast majority of its lifetime.
2. A manly man does not speak on subjects he does not understand. Original ignorance cannot be helped, but manly men listen, observe, and learn.
3. A manly man looks manly. Regardless of eyesight, he does not wear glasses when working. Sleeves are allowed, but not recommended. Boots are best, sneakers are OK, and designers are forbidden. A manly man does not dress in anything not prudent to his task or goal.
4. A manly man acts manly. No fits, tantrums, or outbursts of emotion. EVER. A manly man is certainly allowed to have emotions, but they are carefully checked and tempered.
5. A manly man can do manly things. He can throw a decent punch, can hold his liquor, can drive a stick, and can change a tire.
6. A manly man knows how to play sports. There is no excuse for lacking knowledge that can be passed on to future generations. All birth defects and handicaps aside, a manly man knows the rules.
7. A manly man knows how to treat a woman. Men have wants, women have standards. Manly men accept this fact and thrive on it by being above any standards a woman might have (personality-wise).
8. A manly man is athletic. Not Olympian, but functional. A long day of manual labor can be remedied by a nights rest, and friends refer to you when needing help moving things.
9. A manly man knows how to swim. This is no stupid or immature attempt to be funny. A man of any level of manliness needs to know how to exist on the 75 percent of earth that is water. If you just beat the hell out of some beach bully but can’t run into the water to save a drowning toddler, you are not manly, just a fool.
10. Lastly, a manly man knows how to survive. Hunting, building a fire, cleaning and cooking an animal. A manly man will not disappear quietly into the night. He will persist, even when the outlook is grim. Lost in the middle of nowhere is only a speed bump, not an obstacle.
A man is what one should strive to be. A manly man is what is produced from such striving. The pursuit of manhood is what produces one who is manly. To the men of the world: continue the great journey that is manhood. To the manly men of the world: I salute you. You make this world a better place.
Awesome.
Truly, these are words to live by.
Except for the glasses part. Its more manly to wear functional glasses than to try to look pretty by wearing contact lenses.
A manly man wears whatever he wants, whenever he wants. Glasses, too.