Cats And Their Owners

Cats. The only pet that combines the dependancy of a baby with the complete disdain of an attractive woman.

Fuck you. Right up the ass.

Just The Facts

  1. Cat owners are thoroughly convinced that cats are better than dogs. They can get quite aggressive on the subject
  2. Cats sleep 20 hours a day, eat and shit half an hour a day, and just screw around licking their balls for the other 3 and a half hours.
  3. There is some debate, from independant observers, on exactly whom owns whom.

The Cat in History

Cats were considered sacred by the Egyptians. Apart from being handy for dealing with plagues of frogs and rats, they were considered the living avatars of Bastubis, the Goddess of "not giving a shit."

Do I look like I give a fuck?

After Christianity kicked the other belief systems into touch, cats quite rightly became associated with evil, vanity, witches and the devil - a reputation they have worked hard to maintain to this day.

Signs of a cat owner

You can invariably tell a cat owner by the light coating of shed fur and scratches they carry around, like the miasma of failure. If you cannot get close enough for the tell tale whiff of cat, the car they are driving provides some clues.

  • Owners of laid back cats drive a Purrcedes.
  • Owners of attention seeking cats are in B M double mews
  • Owners of stressed out cats are invariably found in Hissans.

This joke brought to you by a four year old, the average mental age of cat owners.

Being Owned by a Cat

So, some sadistic bastard in your family gave you a cat. Or you opened the door one day and one walked in and made itself at home. And now you are stuck. These tips will help you just about cope.

Do not kick the cat

The reverse does not hold true.

You can't connect, no matter how sound asleep it seems. Cats are not only telepaths, they are all graduates of the ninja school of "making you look like a total dick." You'll miss, fall and break your cocxyx. And try explaining that in ER.

Food and Drink

If it is yellow - he'll kill you in your sleep

They eat whenever they are awake and not shitting. Make sure food is set out for them to ignore in preference for whatever is in the bin or on the counter. You have no need to put out water - cats are perfectly happy drinking out of the toilet, but have a sixth sense that warns them if you are going to try flush them.

Seating and Bedding


Forget it. Every possible surface in the house now belongs to the cat. And it has no problem at all with taking a chunk out of you if you are sat where it wants to sit.

The Sandbox

The little bastard never flushes though.

Some talented cats learn how to use the toilet. Most say fuck that and demand a sandbox. And woe betide you if you don't keep it clean - your shoes will get an unexpected deposit.


Very funny. Next section please

A Special Note on Kittens

Sure, they look cute.

Many people get conned into being owned by a cat when the cat is but a teeny wittle kitty. Do not be fooled. Beneath the cute, fluffy, playful exterior beats a heart of pure stone and malice, that will rigorously train you into total submission to the beast's whims.

The Dread Cat-Lady

What - did you really think we'd miss this one?

Some people, too weak to withstand the mental control of these beasts, go too far. First one sneaks in and established control, then others join to reduce the human to a gibbering slave. One or two cats in a household is normally survivable, as long as you make sure to escape once a day.

130 cats in a one bedroom flat - so sad.