Cats And Their Owners

Cats were considered sacred by the Egyptians. Apart from being handy for dealing with plagues of frogs and rats, they were considered the living avatars of Bastubis, the Goddess of "not giving a shit."

Do I look like I give a fuck?

After Christianity kicked the other belief systems into touch, cats quite rightly became associated with evil, vanity, witches and the devil - a reputation they have worked hard to maintain to this day.

You can invariably tell a cat owner by the light coating of shed fur and scratches they carry around, like the miasma of failure.

You want some??

If you cannot get close enough for the tell tale whiff of cat, the car they are driving provides some clues.

• Owners of laid back cats drive a Purrcedes.
• Owners of attention seeking cats are in B M double mews
• Owners of stressed out cats are invariably found in Hissans.

So, some sadistic bastard in your family gave you a cat. Or you opened the door one day and one walked in and made itself at home. And now you are stuck. These tips will help you just about cope.

Do not kick the cat

You can't connect, no matter how sound asleep it seems. Cats are not only telepaths, they are all graduates of the ninja school of "making you look like an ass." You'll miss, fall and break your cocxyx. And try explaining that to your mates.

Feed the cat

They eat whenever they are awake and not shitting. Make sure food is set out for them to ignore in preference for whatever is in the bin or on the counter. You have no need to put out water - cats are perfectly happy drinking out of the toilet, but have a sixth sense that warns them if you are going to try flush them.

Seating

Forget it. Every possible seat in the house now belongs to the cat. And it has no problem at all with taking a chunk out of you if you are sat where it wants to sit.

Exercise

Very funny. Next section please