Marijuana And You

Thanksgiving, the time when stoners come together, get blazed and fest upon amazing munchies painstakingly prepared by someone else- just like they did in 1621!. To get the most out of your Thanksgiving, and your Marijuana, follow these tips below.

Undeniable proof of what Thanksgiving is all about.

Good luck trying to un-see this as the paranoia kicks in this Thanksgiving. Also make sure you contemplate the deeper meaning behind why this turkey sees out of its anus.

How to determine if your family smoked too much before dinner: No one is protesting that Dad's beard hairs are getting all up in the turkey.

Just The Facts

  1. Marijuana increases appetite.
  2. Thanksgiving is a time to eat your weight in mashed potatoes and at least three different kinds of pie.
  3. If consumed properly, marijuana makes one give thanks to anyone and anything, making it the perfect illegal substance for the occasion.

Pre-Game

No, I don't mean the NFL pre-game show. I'm talking about warming those lungs up in order to be properly blazed by the time that turkey arrives from Boston Market the deep fryer. However, depending on when your family gets together for their Thanksgiving meal, you could pre-game during the pre-game. You could call it pre-game squared. Just don't think about it too hard. Contemplating math in your current state of mind will only make you question what is "real" which inevitably leads to paranoia about whether or not you are "real" (fyi, you're not). Panic attacks only put a damper on everyone else's high so don't be "that guy/gal" that can't handle their sticky icky.

Preferably, you should try and build up your high slowly over the course of a couple of hours. Think of it as foreplay. All that anticipation of an awesome meal mixed with your slowly growing heightened senses will combine and produce orgasmic waves of pleasure as mouthful after mouthful of pure ecstasy slides sensuously down your throat, and your whole being quivers and pulsates.....

...or uh, something like that.

Pace yourself

Your Thanksgiving will ideally follow this order: 1) smoke/vape/ingest 2) eat 3) change pants 4) eat 5) nap.

The point here is, NAP LAST. Don't smoke 3 huge bowls in a row then expect to stay awake long enough to savor all those flavors. Also, you should still be able to know how to use a fork when you sit down to eat. For God's sake know your tolerance. Thanksgiving comes but once a year (unless you count all the leftovers) so it is absolutely imperative that you not take that last bong hit "to make sure it's cached out". It will still be there waiting, ready for you to finish it off like an after dinner mint.

Tips for those lone stoners at the table

So maybe it's your first visit home back from college, or you're on probation, or maybe you are in your late 50's but your mind still lives in the summer of love. Whatever the case may be, you plan on being high as shit when you sit down at the family table but everyone elsewill be depressingly sober (this could also be your catalyst for rolling that joint) and will be expecting you to be as well.

If your goal is to eat like there is no tomorrow and not to make Nana cry tears of disappointment, here are some quick tips on how to keep your sins on the "down low" as they say on some streets somewhere in America.

1)If you have access to a vaporizer, use it. If not make some brownies*. Too lazy? Can't read? Allergic to whisks? Ok, then lock yourself in a bathroom. Turn that shower on, flip on the exhaust, get that bitch all steamy then light up. Once sufficiently stoned, take a shower. By the time you're done freaking out about how you can feel every drop of water that hits you, the only smell that should be lingering is of whatever body wash you just used all of.**

*If you went the brownie route, make sure the leftovers don't get mixed in with the desert table. However, they could come in handy if your sister decides that Thanksgiving is the perfect time to tell the family that she does porn.

**Not liable for you falling and busting your face in the shower.

2) Have a pre-selected CLEAN outfit selected to put on right after that shower. Know better than to trust yourself to dress yourself. Grandpa will be pissed if he has to look at your "Bob Marley made out of Marijuana leaves" t-shirt all damn day, and needless to say, your cover will be blown. Gramps hates your Marley shirt so much he took to the streets and started a Revolution

Grandpa hates your Bob Marley shirt, and it pissed him off so much he started a revolution.

3) Visine. I shouldn't even have to tell you this shit.

4) Remember your primary goal: Food. This holiday is the perfect cover for your munchies, and as far as you are concerned, is the reason the holiday was invented in the first place. Don't get all paranoid that your whole entire family, including your 3 month old cousin, knows you can't feel your face. Besides, who is going to think twice about your nearly psychotic obsession with cranberry sauce anyway?

5) Keep any conversation about the food to a minimum. If you start telling your mom that the gravy tastes "like Jesus and Vishnu fell into a cosmic blender and were then poured lovingly atop my potatoes" followed by a request to be excused from the table to "change panties", it will raise suspicion... and not just about your drug use.

Hey Jesus, want to go check out that new Cosmic Blender ride your Dad just made ex nihilo?

"Hey Jesus, want to go check out that new Cosmic Blender your Dad just created ex nihilo?"

6) Nap. You made it champ. A whole thirty minutes to an hour sitting at the same table with your family and you have lived to light up another day. You should be feeling like you are about to go into a coma at this point so just find a nice little out of the way corner to black out in. Choose this napping place carefully. You will have no defenses against any pesky younger siblings/cousins/nieces/nephews/offspring in your catatonic state, so scout out a place with a door lock or a hard to reach spot- like behind grandma's double wide power chair.