The 5 Worst Star Wars Characters

Any true nerd is a lover of all things Star Wars. It is the epitome of the sci-fi genre, George Lucas giving us some of the best known characters in film. Yet, all too often, George cocked up, ending in the pieces of cinematic bullshit below.

#5: General Grievous (Episode III, Revenge of the Sith)

So who is this guy?

Appearing in Epsisode III, General Grievous is, and let's be honest here, a fairly badass looking robot who, a long time ago, wondered a galaxy far far away beating the shit out of Jedi Knights and collecting their lightsabers as trohpies.

Should he have been any good?

In theory, Grievous should have been awesome. I mean, a 4 armed, superstrength robot that professionally assassinates the Jedi, the greatest warriors in the universe? What's not to like? In fact, is it even possible to spoil such a thing?

Why he sucks:

Apparently, George Lucas can manage. Let's start with Grievous appearance - yes, it is pretty cool, but it could have been even cooler. Apparently Lucas did not want him looking too like Sauron from the Lord of the Rings, which had just been released. He obviously failed to realise that a villain looking a bit like Sauron is a bit like your wife looking like Megan Fox - fucking awesome. Nevertheless, he had to piss all over the designer's days and say 'start again'.

'Not evil enough.'- George Lucas

But, looks aside, he is awesome, right? Right? Wrong. Apparently, in an attempt to foreshadow Darth Vader, Grievous had to have some kind of distinctive cough/splutter. Unfortunately, whereas Vader sounded threatening and made kids cry, Grievous just sounds like a chain smoker who hasn't quite died yet, but doesn't have long. Now, at this point you may be crying out in indignation, 'you fool, he is a robot, how can he cough!?'. The explanation to this highlights a design vault so vast, every other bad idea in histroy pales into insignifigance next to it.

'My God, it's genius!'

It turns out Grievous is actually a human/alien/something from the darker parts of George Lucas' mind, who's organs have been encased in a robotic exoskeleton. Unlike Robocop, for example, Grievous does not seem to have been particularly fussy about his innards being very well encased....they just sort of hang loose for all to see. To put this in context, should you ever be lucky enough to have open heart surgery performed, ask the surgeon to put his feet up and not stitch you back together again. Go on, it will be fun! You, too, could be like Grievous! Ultimately, Obi Wan Kenobi shoots his organs to shit, burning away to nothing. A timeless quote from Wikipedia renders Grievous, innards black and smouldering 'more than likely dead'.

Wampa 'shit -o-meter' score

1.5 Wampa shits out of 5.

#4: 'Cannon fodder' Jedi (Best seen in Episode II, Attack of the Clones)

So who are these guys?

Although they appear in Episode III as well, 'Cannon fodder' Jedi are best displayed in the Genosis arena battle in Episode II. They are basically those 'other jedi', the guys at the office you know of but would never care enough about to engage in conversation with. Basically there to let Lucas go CGI batfuck insane, these guys just bulk out the battle scene, make it look nice, then get shot to inter-planetary shit.

Should they have been any good?

Well duh, they're Jedi. In theory these guys can deflect bullets with laser swords and make Neo's whole spoon bending thing look like your favourite uncle's decidedly lame card tricks.

'I would clap....if it wasn't so SHIT!'

Yet they can't because only the main Jedis are allowed to be seen doing this. Basically these guys are just there to fill up camera space and nothing more, as a non impressive battle scene would mean Lucas would have to rely on his, ah, totally timeless dialogue. And even we wouldn't want that.

Why they suck

Pretty much for the reason above. They exist for no more than to make your wonderful self go 'ooooh' and 'aaaah' at the screen, then get shot, yes shot, by the mindless battle droids, whose fighting prowess comes just below their piss poor 'comedy antics' in terms of useful skills. I mean, come on guys, what if Yoda sat you down for an evaluation? Also, the fact that these guys come from all over the Galaxy is just an excuse for Lucas to make some of them look fucking weird.

In the Star Wars universe, racial equality has a whole new meaning.

And that is why they suck.

Wampa 'shit-o-meter' score

2.3 Wampa shits out of 5.

#3: Darth Maul (Episode I, The Phantom Menace)

So who is this guy?

Darth Maul is seen exclusively in Episode I (it's hard to be in the sequels when you get killed) and is the Sith Apprentice and mainly silent underling to Darth Sideous (SPOILER ALERT: Chancellor Palpatine....but you knew that anyway).

Should he have been any good?

Well yeah. Being trained by the Ultimate Sith Lord, weilding a double lightsaber.......and look at him! All those horns and tattoos....makes the guy who bullied you at high school look a bit of a pussy, huh? Also, being only an apprentice himslef, he killed Jedi Master Qui Gon Jinn, whilst fending off raging Padawan Obi Wan Kenobi. To put this in perspective, imagine watching two kids fighting. Then imagine one of the kid's dads joining in totally dickishly, but then getting the crap kicked out of him. It's a bit like that.

Why he sucks

Darth Maul was a difficult one to include here, mainly because there aren't so much bad things about him, as just not any good things.....he's a bit reclusive and lifeless, as he never really says anything. If there was a Sith Dinner party, Count Dooku would be the eloquent, regal host telling humorous stories and anecdotes, whilst Maul would be the guy who sits in the corner by himself trying to set things on fire.

'...and then i said, "oh no dear, Tatooine is that way!" Ahahaha!'

What makes Vader and Palpatine so great is that they are so much more than just mindless villains. They have personality and flair, just the ability to nauturally scare the shit out of you. If Darth Maul walked into a room, you would know you should feel scared, but his shallow personality and total emptiness would result in the most nonchelant of all expressions; 'meh'. Hell, Gary Busey would make a better Sith (sorry, but he's just so easy to poke fun at).

'Ahahahaha! I'm using the force motherfuckers!'

So, to summarise, whilst Darth Maul doesn't necessarily suck on his own, next to his comparables, he really kind of does.

Wampa 'shit-o-meter' score

2.6 Wampa shits out of 5

#2: Young Boba Fett (Episode II, Attack of the Clones)

So who is this guy?

If you have no idea who Boba Fett is, you obviously have no knowledge of Star Wars, shouldn't be reading this article, or have a job and/or girlfriend. The fabled bounty hunter who captures Han Solo in episode V, 'The empire Strikes Back',his action figure flew off the shelves when released and is a staple in any collection. But don't worry, readers. The Boba Fett featured in this article is the 'young version' as seen in Episode II.

Should he have been any good?

To be any good, young Boba would have had to live up to adult Boba, being as good as, or surpassing him. Lucas should have realised that a 12 year old, posessing a face like a slapped arse, would never be able to do so and just left Boba alone.

Why he sucks

For pretty much the reasons listed above really. However, asides these, the sole reason young Fett came into existence make George Lucas even fucking richer. He realised that the adult action figures flew off the shelves so felt, combined with Jango, that a young one would do the same.

Pictured: richer than you

As the final thorn in young Boba's crown of shit, he fails in the one thing that truly decides a characters credibility - how cool their lego character looks.

I mean, what the fuck?!

Wampa 'shit-o-meter' score

4.2 Wampa shits out of 5.

#1: Jar Jar Binks (Episode 1: The Phantom Menace)

So who is this guy?

A traversty to Star Wars, and an annoying, slightly racist piece of shit, that's who. A Gungan from Naboo, he is the most incompotent of an incompotent race of people, yet inexplicably becomes a Senator on Coruscant, proving there is hope for us all.

Should he have been any good?

If George Lucas knew what actually made people fucking laugh - i.e. not annoying, slightly prejudiced Afro Carribean impersonating aliens - a successful comic relief character could have been created.

The resemblance is uncanny.

Why he sucks

Because, as stated, he fails to be the only thing he was intended to be; funny. His antics consist of talking in annoying voice, being a little bit racist with the whole 'laid back and out of it' thing, being incompotent and clumsy and breaking things whilst shouting. Hell, even Lucas admitted he was shit and minimised his role in the succeding films. Aimed solely at selling toys (bit of a theme here) and attracting children (not in a bad way), heis the epitome of why Episode 1 is the shittest of the six. Here, for your enjoyment, are his best bits. Have fun.

Wampa 'shit-o-meter' score

5 steaming Wampa shits out of 5.

The best (worst) of the rest - honourable mentions.

Watto (Episode I, The Phantom Menace)

This cock nosed little monster took the phrase 'keep your nose out of my business' to whole new levels. Small, grumpy and cheap, he was a rumoured Jewish stereotype....Lucas didn't seem to grasp modern attitudes with this film, did he?

Dexter (Episode II, Attack of the Clones)

You know how people that work in diners are either there part time or don't give a shit anymore? Dexter, a diner owner, somehow outwits Obi Wan Kenobi in relaising where Kamino is, singling this planet out amongst billions of others to identify a poison dart's origin. I mean, come on George, that's just fucking lazy.

'Ani' Anakin Skywalker (Episode I, The Phantom Menace)

It is shameful to think this annoying, overly sweet 10 year old is where Darth Vader came from. Portrayed as 'the perfect kid', 'Ani' roams around Tatooine until 2 strange men who call themselves 'the Jedi' lure him away with promises of spaceships and adventure. Also, for a kid whose existence consisted of, scientifically, 'fixing shit' he is somehow able to gun down half The Federation and shout 'woooooohooooo!' at the same time. We all thought, 'shut the fuck up'.