Are you lonely? Congratulations! Instead solving your problem by developing a healthy social life, you've turned to the internet! That was the best decision of your entire life, because this guide is the only thing that will ever make you happy.
If the title of this article doesn't do enough to give it away, you have to move to a big city. It is mandatory. Love doesn't exist in small rural areas, because those people all smell like cabbage and poop. New York City is the only big city on the entire planet, so yeah, you have to move to New York right now. Drop everything and go. I'll wait.
Done unpacking? Good. How was the trip? Now that you're here, you should start looking for love immediately. First, you'll need some quirky girlfriends who enjoy gobbling ballsacks almost as much as you do. Obnoxiously flamboyant gay people count too, regardless of the fact that they're going to burn in eternal hellfire for the remainder of time.
Sort of like this, except everyone's white.
Have all your slut friends? Good. Next, you'll actually have to develop a likable personality. This is practically impossible, but don't worry, because it can be easily faked. Be sure to watch lots of TV, and simply copy what all your favorite characters are doing. I suggest watching the popular television show "Sex and the City". Sex and the City is about four whores who have a lot of sex in a city somewhere. They typically sit around talking about girl things, penises, let's say. Take notes from these conversations, and use them in your conversations with actual human beings.
"I enjoy engaging in sexual relations with men!"
"What a coincidence! I, too, enjoy having penises inside of my gaping vagina!"
A typical woman reaction to a penis.
This is called "girl talk", and I think girls do it a lot. To further enhance your friendships with these empty sacks of waste, be sure to take part in girl talk while wearing pajama pants and eating ice cream, I'm pretty sure those give you like bonus points or something. Retaining these friendships is extremely important in your quest for true love. As you repeatedly mess up your relationships, these friends will be there to justify every mistake you made. That way, you'll never learn, and the endless cycle of self-destruction will continue! And most importantly, remember the golden rule: your girlfriends are not people, they are merely tools used to enhance your self-esteem. Girl power!
Getting men to like you is the hardest part, because men are just so silly, amirite ladies? The type of man you should be looking for is very complicated. He should be just as shallow as you, so he can be more easily tamed from a wild beast, to your very own sophisticated metrosexual who gives you lots and lots of money. This transition is a difficult process, and perfecting it will undoubtedly cost you dozens of relationships. It will hurt, but it won't hurt as much when you dive into your tubs of ice cream and recite "I am a princess" in your head over and over and over again. Remember: it's them, not you.
Eventually, you may come across a man dumb enough to fall into your trap. But before getting too excited, go down the checklist:
1) If he has a mind of his own, he should not be smart enough to realize you're manipulating it.
2) He should have lots of money, and give you all of it.
3) He should have a minimum of twenty penises.
He exists because my skewed view of reality says so.
If your man does not meet all three of these criteria, it is not true love. If that happens, don't worry, not all is lost. Have sex with his single unsatsifying penis for a while, but then make up a reason to dump him once you get bored. Make sure he's the one who ends up feeling guilty about it, someone has to, and it's sure as hell not going to be you.
Once you do meet that man of your dreams, you'll have to find a way to make him like you. Do everything, nothing is out of bounds. If you feel your personalities might not be compatible, change your personality. Be sure to agree with everything he says and laugh at all his racist jokes.
If he asks you your opinion on something, don't panic. Talk fast, and talk loud. Nothing is sexier than a opinionated woman who's never read a book. Pretend to be deep by making terrible analogies about love and life in general (again, refer to Sex and the City). If that doesn't seem to be enough for him, simply pretend to care about an imporant cause. That way he'll think you care about junk. This could be as easy as lying about donating blood. Or perhaps you could tell him about that one facebook group you joined, "THEY SHOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT SOMETHING". Those little yellow bracelets work too. You know, the ball cancer ones. Ball cancer's the big thing now. Or AIDS or something.
Just be sure everyone can see it, or else it's useless. This smug asshole is pulling it off perfectly.
Ah! Now everything is coming to fruition! Remember: this was never about the lifelong relationship. This was about the wedding. You are going to have, like, the biggest clusterfuck wedding of all time and make your friends so super jealous. You're a princess and you deserve it. If anyone at your wedding says anything different, like your no good two-timing sister who slept with your new husband that one time, kick them out. This is the greatest day in the history of the everything, and nothing can ever ruin it.
As for the marriage itself, refer to this educational video to learn how a typical marriage should be run.
Throughout your marriage, be sure to regret the day you ever met your husband, and stare blankly at the wall whenever he sits down to watch the TV. Beyond this modest tip, I cannot help you, for marriage is not my specialty. I've taught you everything I know, and you've reached the top of the mountain. You're free to live the rest of your days quietly and happily, until you inevitably discover the affair with his secretary and you "accidentally" decide to swallow too much aspirin. Happy crying!