Margaret Thatcher

Margaret Thatcher was the longest serving British Prime Minister since the 19th century. She was the first (and only) Female PM and a feisty redhead to boot. Meow.

After losing her legs, Thatcher eschewed traditional replacements.

Just The Facts

  1. Thatcher is still extremely divisive in the U.K.
  2. She managed to be female and still have larger balls than any other post-war Prime Minister.
  3. She scares the living shit out of every organism with sentience.
  4. Birds don't fly over the house she occupies.

Life before Downing Street

Margaret Thatcher came from a relatively modest background for a Conservative politician, and was considered by many to have been born with too many vaginas to become Prime Minister. Her father was a grocer, and working in his shop she picked up political tenets that she would carry with her for the rest of her life.

1. If you don't pay for it, you're not bloody having it

2. No foreigners allowed

3, Milk doesn't grow on fucking trees. That stuff's expensive.

No! YOU'RE WASTING THE MILK!

Thatcher got a scholarship to a girl's grammar school, and then to Oxford University. In 1951, she married Dennis Thatcher, and in 1953 "gave birth" to twins, Mark and Carol. Much scepticism surrounds Mark and Carol's genetic parentage, as penises tended to wilt before the Iron Lady faster than Argentinian resistance. Only when Mark started trying to overthrow African governments did it become obvious that he truly was a Thatcher.

Thatcher was elected as MP for Finchley in 1958. Her biggest achievement and most notable legacy from her time in the Cabinet, where as Education secretary in 1970, she began to make agressive cuts. Most memorably, she stopped the free milk that had previously been given to children up to the age of 11. She earned the nickname "Maggie Thatcher - Milk Snatcher"

If children want money for luxuries, they'll simply have to work in one of the mines I'm going to close.

She became party leader in 1975, many, even some of those who had voted for her, simply thought they were waiting for a young male leader to mature, or an appropriate MP to emerge. They would be waiting for sixteen years.

As Prime Minister

Thatcher won the 1979 election, and entered government with aggressive free market policies. However, in the U.K, this was pretty unpopular. She had politcal schisms with her governement, a recession began and her approval fell to 25%. Argentina's military junta saw their opening, launching an invasion of the Falkland Islands. This weak, decadent democracy with it's female head of state, and female head of government would never dare to...

"Oh fuckfuckshitfuckshitballs"

Defying every national and international call for mediation through the U.N, Thatcher launched an enormous maritime invasion. The war in its entirety lasted less than three months, with more than twice as many Argentinian casualties as British, and with nearly one hundred times as many taken prisoner. Within a year, there were free elections in Argentina. The Falklands Conflict proved two things:

1. When you're in a corner, it's best to beat your way out with the corpses of foreigners

2. Sometimes the best route to peace and democracy is cappin' some bitches.

Thatcher won the 1984 election with a stronger majority, and decided she had a big enough break between lunchtime and tea to punch British Socialism in the neck until it soiled itself.

Her agressive policies were criticised for being mostly truncheon related

Thatcher tried to close twenty mines that weren't making money in 1984. The National Union of Mineworkers complained. To which Thatcher famously repled "If they like living in the dark so much, maybe we'll just bury them all alive"*

The miners went on strike, and Thatcher wasted no time on going Falklands on their asses, deploying police everywhere are telling them to go nuts. With North Sea gas and oil coming into the country, Miners' unions no longer had the power they once did. Many complained that communities set up with the set purpose of mining were being destroyed. Thatcher reportedly raised her index, middle and ring fingers, asking her detractors to "read between the lines", before mouthing what appeared to be "oh, snap"

"You G's can trip if that what you be feeling. The lady ain't be trippin"

During her time in power, she kept money flowing into the U.K by selling everything that moved. Nothing was off limits. She sold power companies, communication networks, and children's souls*.

Before leaving** power in 1991, Thatcher tried to impose a "Poll Tax", which was basically just a blanket tax for local government, which would be the same for everyone. The same law had been tried before in Britain, leading to the motherfucking Peasant's Revolt. A tax that was incredibly unpopular in the 14th century didn't actually go down so well in the late 20th.

*Maybe

**Being forcibly removed is technically leaving

Thatcher's Bad Calls

For the purpose of balance, we should probably point out that some of Thatcher's judgements have rather aged in the relatively short time since she left office. They included:

1. Refusing trade sanctions on South Africa under apartheid, when the entire British Commonwealth supported them

2. Unlike Reagan, she was massively pro-nukes - "A world without nuclear weapons would be less stable and more dangerous for all of us"

3. When the Berlin Wall came down, unlike the entire rest of the non-commie world, she thought it was probably best if Germany stayed in two halves.

4. Perhaps not much of an environmentalist , Thatcher reportedly declared that "A man who, beyond the age of 26, finds himself on a bus can count himself as a failure."

"I'm crying for you, South Africa. Ha, not really. I could not give less of a shit"