Flipping The Bird

 

Ever since the early decendents of man fell unceremoniously out of the trees and decided "that was the last time" and that they'd try out this "walking around thing" for a while, there have been two types of great comebacks (those tree loving bastards loved their insults): a perfectly-crafted phrase that cut to the heart of the insulter, verbally bitchslapping him into utter submission. And the finger.

And if this doesn't work, I'm going to learn to stand upright, invent mathematics, science, and eventually rocketships, and all you tree-dwelling fuckers are going to the moon.

Although most American boys discover the incredibly versatile gesture in 6th grade and despite that they spend many hours diligently perfecting it, the gesture is not a new phenomenon and, in fact, is so old, it pre-dates America and possibly even school itself. It is said that Jesus flipped the Jews the bird as he was being hauled off to be crucified. [citation needed]

 

Flipping the bird is fairly simply, but does require some rudimentary control of your fingers. If you are finding the following instructions difficult, here's a tip for you: You're a 5 year old girl. Go play with dolls, or, better yet, go call CPS on your parents for allowing you to get on Cracked.com. I'm pretty sure that's the definition of negligence.

Instructions: Make a loose fist with one or both of your hands. Extend the middle finger to maximum length while holding the other fingers back with your thumb.

Advanced: Extend your thumb out at a right angle to the middle finger.

That's it. Now go express yourself in traffic.

He's curiously happy for a guy who's about to be T-Boned...

There are many variants to "flipping the bird" including, but certainly not limited to:

- Pretending you have something in your pocket for the recipient, and then pull out the bird

-The "JB" shootout: Start with all fingers fully extended and pretend to "shoot" down all the ones that aren't your middle finger

-Bird in the Box: Start with a closed fist on one of your hands. Make a cranking motion with your opposite hand while humming "Pop goes the weasel." At the end, pop up your middle finger. Smile smugly.

-The Slow Crank: Again, start with a closed fist. Make a slow cranking motion with the opposite hand while slowing raising your middle finger. When it gets to full mast, act like the crank is stuck. Ask the recipient for help pulling on the crank. As he moves in, poke him in the eye.

-The Religious Experience: (Note: This epic masterpiece is not to be untaken lightly) Looking up to the heavens, cross your arms across your chest and pray silently to whatever diety you choose to smite your insulter down. After a few minutes of dead silence, bust out the double finger. At this point, a bolt of lightning should be cast from the heavens and destroy your enemy. If not, you'll still look totally badass.

Do you feel the HEAT?!

Myths about how the bird got started are all over the internet. Many of them amount to a passing fad centered around the phallic resemblance of the middle finger amongst youths that evolved over hundreds of years as it passed from generation to generation. If the internet had existed, this process would have taken approximately 2 weeks to accomplish. So, when compared with some of the current, mindboggling memes that have sprung up literally overnight, it really isn't that impressive.

Now THIS is impressive.

One very interesting mythical origin states that during the Middle Ages, French troops would commonly capture English archers and, instead of killing them, would remove their middle finger, which would effectively make it impossible for them to use their terrifying Longbows in battle.

Released back into their own armies, these highly trained bowmen would be relegated to infantry, where the French soldiers would raise their middle fingers to taunt the incoming English troops and shout "Pluck you, pluck you!"

Then the French troops made some rather rude remarks about the way their father's smelled.

This, like many myths, is a much too tidy and amusing story to be true.

The fact is that allusions to the finger go back as far as early Mediterranean cultures and variations on it can be tracked across every civilization with a written history.

Pictured: Bird, about to be flipped.

Across the globe, people everywhere are getting in on this "bird flipping" phenomenon. But, like recipes for the apple pie, every culture has a different one. In fact, some recipes don't even contain apples. Or pie. It's just dirt in a pie tin. Rule of thumb: Don't go over to some other country and ask for the apple pie, because you really don't know what the hell you're going to get. Fair warning people.

In the UK, Ireland, Australia, and others, the V sign with the back of the hand facing the recipient is a common derogatory gesture. Holding this up to your mouth while wildly flicking your tongue is common amongst lesbians and douche frat guys. I'm not sure if there is a place where these two groups coexist, but remind me never to go there.

Oh yeah. I forgot. It's called College.

In African and Caribbean countries, another obscene gesture is extending all five fingers with your palm facing toward the recipient. This is, apparently, the same thing as saying a person has 5 fathers. This is also how you get someone to "talk to the hand" which is slightly less offensive but more embarassing unless you are a young, African-American woman in the 90's. If so, holla girl!

Most Asian cultures use the finger in the same way that good ole Americans do it (Communism got something right!) but in Sri Lanka, pointing upwards with the index finger is considered vulgar.

Italians have a similar gesture, using their entire arm, bent upward suddenly at the elbow. Also, flicking underneath the chin. Basically, every sudden movement an Italian does toward you is probably something vulgar. The world forgives this thanks to their invention of pasta.

Lastly, in Vietnam, crossing your fingers is considered extremely vulgar. In fact, the Vietnamese used smear campaigns against America in the Sixties using this exact image.

This caused some confusion amongst our soldiers.

Fuck you, America!