The Force
The Force is a magical power from Star Wars that simultaneously allows you to move objects with your mind and repel vaginas.
Just The Facts
- The Force is a ubiquitous power that gives Jedi and Sith their power.
- There is a light side and a dark side.
- The light side requires you to be a damn monk and wear a stupid braid, provided you have hair.
- The Dark Side requires you to wear black. Aside from being a little Emo, that is a small price to pay for lightning fingers and the power to choke a bitch from across the room.
Cracked on The Force
The Force is the magical god-like power from the Star Wars series that turns Jedi and Sith into superpeople. The Force lets people see the future, shoot lightning from their fingers and throw punches with their mind.
The Force, along with stopping time and super strength, is probably one of the top ten things that would be horribly abused if left in "normal" people's hands. Seriously, which one of us wouldn't Jedi Mind Trick college bimbos into threesomes or crush some asshole's head for cutting us off?
Presidential races would be won by the guy who Force Choked the other guy first during the primaries.
Most importantly, we would never have to move our corpulant, Hutt-sized asses off the couch for a beer, ever again.
Users of The Force
In the various movies, there is an increasing number of creatures who use The Force; here are some of the more notable ones.
Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader
For a brief, shining moment, he didn't suck.
Well, duh. He was fucking conceived by the Force, meaning his mother got all the joys of living as a slave and having medieval childbirth, with none of the joys of having sex. The Force is kind of a dick.
No wonder he grew up to be such an asshole.
Luke Skywalker
Proof that Obi Wan can't make a good decision to save his life. So he agrees to train Anakin, who Yoda (the Wise little Force Goblin who knows everything, yet no one fucking listens to) argued was too old, then goes on to prove that yep, Yoda was right, he grew up to kill every one of their friends. Super job.
What's that? You want to train Anakin's son? When he is like, a teenager? Dude, are you fucking retarded?
Okay, so that one turns out okay, but seriously.... That was like shooting yourself in the face, then doing it a second time and getting hit with flowers instead of a bullet.
Obi Wan/Ben Kenobi
He can see the future. He sucks so bad at it, though, that whatever he tells you to do, do the opposite. Seriously.
Darth Maul
He does flips and shit and has a lightsaber staff. He also proves what a tool George Lucas is because we only get one Darth Maul movie, but we get 3 with Jar Jar Binks. Fuck you, George.
Kit Fisto
Holy Shit, What?
He looks like a space squid with dreadlocks, and is arguably cool for his small parts in the movies, but Jesus Christ... He tops the lost of "Unfortunately named" Star Wars characters. (Seriously... Fisto?) He sounds less like a Jedi and more like a galactic sex act that would land you in jail.
Yoda
Listen to me, nobody ever fucking does....
Master Yoda, the most accomplished Jedi ever. Talks like Fozzie Bear on mescaline, and can bounce like flubber while wielding a tiny lightsaber. Older than God. A powerful fountain of wisdom, that goes completely ignored like a sign near the panda cage that says "Don't put limbs in".
Emperor Palpatine
There is a price for power, and that price is apparently "ugly". Would you want unlimited power and the ability to cast bad weather from your hands if it meant you had to look like That for the rest of your life? Still, he wasn't always unpleasant to look a- Oh wait....
Count Dooku
It seems Mr Fisto (snicker...) wasn't the only one who got boned in the name department. On the plus side, rather than being a squid, Dooku is Christopher fucking Lee. He shows that Yoda isn't the only ass-kicking geriatric in the galaxy. He shoots lightning from his fingers, wears a kick-ass cape, and chops off Hayden Christiansen's arm. Nothing about him doesn't rock, except perhaps for his limp-wristed light saber. It looks suspiciously like a laser penis that suffered and injury.
Midichlorians
Mentioned in the Phantom Menace, these were cellular organelles that collected and focused The Force in living things. George Lucas cleverly combined the words "mitochondria" and "chloroplast" into a word that barely resembles either of them. And you thought jar Jar was the most retarded thing introduced in Episode 1.
George apparently got the hint when even the most hardcore nerds screamed "come ON" over the one-two punch of having mystic bacteria spontaneously giving birth to Darth Jesus, as they are never mentioned again. The movie goes so far as to have Liam Neeson point out that no life can exist without them. So you have midi-chlorians. Or you are dead.
Or not, because you can become a ghost if you are strong with the Force. But not everyone, just those that know how. You know what? Fuck it. Lucas needs to take a writing class.
Palpatine also hints that he (or his mentor, or whatever) learned how to manipulate midi-cholrians to create life, "hinting" to Anakin by severely beating him about the head and face with "hints" that he used them to create Anakin, thereby exposing number 8 on the list above; George Lucas used his incredible Force powers to convince the audience that it wasn't a bullshit attempt to tie Palpatine and Anakin together, and that he some how managed to get a random woman on a random planet pregnant with his non-baby, knowing that one day he would just so happen to be stumbled upon by Jedi who would take him under their wing and teach him to also be a Jedi, and that he would then fall in love with a chick who would be completely cool with him breaking his vow of celibacy, who would then become pregnant around the same time everything in the old republic started to fall to shit so that he could then scoop him up and make him his apprentice, after he had talked him into decapitating his old apprentice.
The Force Unleashed; Because "The Force held in check because we're the good guys" is a shitty title.
in your diagram of the midichlorian cells, you neglect to label what part is the "forechlorian" and "afterchlorian" cells. That'd help explain it all a big better.
ReplyOh and Anakin's prognostication powers suck too considering Palpatine told him some crap about "come to the dark side or the mother of your children will mysteriously die" You'd think The Force would have made Anakin realize Palpatine had said "come to the dark side AND the mother of your children will mysteriously die"
what i don't get is that the light side can see the future and the dark side gets the lightning .... and the future so not fair
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesI don't get the whole "force lightning is a dark side power 'cuz it's lightning!"
What if I need to defibrillate someone? I COULD just force lightning their ass but NOOOOO, that means I'm EVIL.... Razzafrazzin no good stinkin' jedi....
Force lighening is only a dark power because it's predominantly used to fry people till thier fillings explode. Number one Jedi rule is you can't use the force to kill/maim/hurt. Ergo, defibrilating someone would probably be okay.
But what if I want to fry somesome, then some chicken, and then that jerk I don't like? And then use the mind trick to make people give me all their money, and make some hot chicks come back to my place...
Or use the force to make a buddy jesus to break people's arms for me, you know like how the Green Lantern can make stuff with his mind, or like how the Jedi can become ghosts and use telekinesis.
But pushing a guy off a cliff usually kills. If that doesn't kill him, it will seriously maim or hurt him, and yes, I know it's a neutral power, but still.
actually the light side does have its own lightning (very crappy rainbow s**t nobody uses because its "lethal" and "frowned upon")
my dick looks like chewbacca eating toffee
ReplyThe Force is strong in this one lol
ReplyThis is officially my favorite Cracked topic.
Replyi was taken to this page by the force.
ReplyAwesome article that combines every parodic point raised about Star Wars. As for Kit Fisto, watch the Star Wars: Clone Wars episodes (the original five/ten minute ones), and You'll see Fisto be a badass aquatic warrior (and apparently lightsabers work underwater). Still, worst name in the Star Wars Universe, it just seemed wrong to say when I got older and realized what it sounded like.
Replyactually his lightsaber was specially designed to work underwater.
Atled,
The fact that you both knew that and felt obligated to enlighten us is proof that star wars has the saddest fan base, ever.
just bein a total nerd here but how are you getting the child conceived from the force thing?
ReplyDid you see the Phantom Menace? Anakin's mom flat out says he was a virgin birth, and Qui-Gon states that it was The Force.
It was actually Darth Plageous the Wise who Force-impregnated Shmi Skywalker as an experiment. Palpatine hints at this in Episode III but you have to do a bit of research to confirm it.
I like the part about chloroplasts and mitochondria :P I never knew plant cell organelles were behind the force.
ReplyYeah, The Force went from being a cosmic humanist/buhddist faith to almost existential agnosticiam.