The Force

The Force is a magical power from Star Wars that simultaneously allows you to move objects with your mind and repel vaginas.

Mark Hamil said it best: Never fuck with a Jedi Master, boy.

Just The Facts

  1. The Force is a ubiquitous power that gives Jedi and Sith their power.
  2. There is a light side and a dark side.
  3. The light side requires you to be a damn monk and wear a stupid braid, provided you have hair.
  4. The Dark Side requires you to wear black. Aside from being a little Emo, that is a small price to pay for lightning fingers and the power to choke a bitch from across the room.

Cracked on The Force

The Force is the magical god-like power from the Star Wars series that turns Jedi and Sith into superpeople. The Force lets people see the future, shoot lightning from their fingers and throw punches with their mind.

The Force, along with stopping time and super strength, is probably one of the top ten things that would be horribly abused if left in "normal" people's hands. Seriously, which one of us wouldn't Jedi Mind Trick college bimbos into threesomes or crush some asshole's head for cutting us off?

Presidential races would be won by the guy who Force Choked the other guy first during the primaries.

Most importantly, we would never have to move our corpulant, Hutt-sized asses off the couch for a beer, ever again.

Users of The Force

In the various movies, there is an increasing number of creatures who use The Force; here are some of the more notable ones.

Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader

For a brief, shining moment, he didn't suck.

Well, duh. He was fucking conceived by the Force, meaning his mother got all the joys of living as a slave and having medieval childbirth, with none of the joys of having sex. The Force is kind of a dick.

No wonder he grew up to be such an asshole.

Luke Skywalker

Proof that Obi Wan can't make a good decision to save his life. So he agrees to train Anakin, who Yoda (the Wise little Force Goblin who knows everything, yet no one fucking listens to) argued was too old, then goes on to prove that yep, Yoda was right, he grew up to kill every one of their friends. Super job.

What's that? You want to train Anakin's son? When he is like, a teenager? Dude, are you fucking retarded?

Okay, so that one turns out okay, but seriously.... That was like shooting yourself in the face, then doing it a second time and getting hit with flowers instead of a bullet.

Obi Wan/Ben Kenobi

He can see the future. He sucks so bad at it, though, that whatever he tells you to do, do the opposite. Seriously.

Darth Maul

He does flips and shit and has a lightsaber staff. He also proves what a tool George Lucas is because we only get one Darth Maul movie, but we get 3 with Jar Jar Binks. Fuck you, George.

Kit Fisto

Holy Shit, What?

He looks like a space squid with dreadlocks, and is arguably cool for his small parts in the movies, but Jesus Christ... He tops the lost of "Unfortunately named" Star Wars characters. (Seriously... Fisto?) He sounds less like a Jedi and more like a galactic sex act that would land you in jail.

Yoda

Listen to me, nobody ever fucking does....

Master Yoda, the most accomplished Jedi ever. Talks like Fozzie Bear on mescaline, and can bounce like flubber while wielding a tiny lightsaber. Older than God. A powerful fountain of wisdom, that goes completely ignored like a sign near the panda cage that says "Don't put limbs in".

Emperor Palpatine

There is a price for power, and that price is apparently "ugly". Would you want unlimited power and the ability to cast bad weather from your hands if it meant you had to look like That for the rest of your life? Still, he wasn't always unpleasant to look a- Oh wait....

Count Dooku

It seems Mr Fisto (snicker...) wasn't the only one who got boned in the name department. On the plus side, rather than being a squid, Dooku is Christopher fucking Lee. He shows that Yoda isn't the only ass-kicking geriatric in the galaxy. He shoots lightning from his fingers, wears a kick-ass cape, and chops off Hayden Christiansen's arm. Nothing about him doesn't rock, except perhaps for his limp-wristed light saber. It looks suspiciously like a laser penis that suffered and injury.

Ballistic space dildo?

Midichlorians

Mentioned in the Phantom Menace, these were cellular organelles that collected and focused The Force in living things. George Lucas cleverly combined the words "mitochondria" and "chloroplast" into a word that barely resembles either of them. And you thought jar Jar was the most retarded thing introduced in Episode 1.

George apparently got the hint when even the most hardcore nerds screamed "come ON" over the one-two punch of having mystic bacteria spontaneously giving birth to Darth Jesus, as they are never mentioned again. The movie goes so far as to have Liam Neeson point out that no life can exist without them. So you have midi-chlorians. Or you are dead.

Or not, because you can become a ghost if you are strong with the Force. But not everyone, just those that know how. You know what? Fuck it. Lucas needs to take a writing class.

Palpatine also hints that he (or his mentor, or whatever) learned how to manipulate midi-cholrians to create life, "hinting" to Anakin by severely beating him about the head and face with "hints" that he used them to create Anakin, thereby exposing number 8 on the list above; George Lucas used his incredible Force powers to convince the audience that it wasn't a bullshit attempt to tie Palpatine and Anakin together, and that he some how managed to get a random woman on a random planet pregnant with his non-baby, knowing that one day he would just so happen to be stumbled upon by Jedi who would take him under their wing and teach him to also be a Jedi, and that he would then fall in love with a chick who would be completely cool with him breaking his vow of celibacy, who would then become pregnant around the same time everything in the old republic started to fall to shit so that he could then scoop him up and make him his apprentice, after he had talked him into decapitating his old apprentice.

The Force Unleashed; Because "The Force held in check because we're the good guys" is a shitty title.