Things I Hate

Hate is such a strong word. Therefore, whatever I'm about to explain better be awful. Otherwise, I have no reason to warrant it being here. Well; sheer stupidity should probably be factored in.

Tailgating and Road Rage are Counterintuitive

The Entire Script Reads, 'Insurance Salesmen Are Dicks'

Hello, My Name Is...Larry.  Can We Talk About Your Current Cell Phone Plan?

Just The Facts

  1. Minivans: This Isn't the Audubon Assholes
  2. Insurance: Because Crack and Head Lice Kill Those We Love
  3. Talking To A Real Person On the Phone: Overrated

Minivans: This Isn't the Audubon Assholes

"What a stupid thing to hate." and " What a micromanaging fuck." are probably a couple of the first things that readers will think of me. However, now that I have pointed this out, look around on your commute home tonight. These suburban dustbusters are trying to take over our roads and are driving like dickholes doing it.

We travel a lot. Only because we have family all over the place. One of the biggest headaches I have when I drive are the raging bastards that prefer ludicrous speed over normal everyday, keep-up-with-traffic speed. Time and time again I look into the rear view mirror and find traffic creeping up on us as if we were a lonely gazelle in the African bush about to have their insides torn out by hungry jackals. Quite often, these jackals are driving minivans.

I have no clue what makes someone buy one of these awful looking, shitty excuses for automobiles anyhow. Seriously, unless you have enough kids to start up a Chinese Buffet, why not get something like a Tahoe or an Expedition. I mean, if you are going to bury your carbon foot print, at least wear something cool and comfortable to do it in. Like Rockports.

Insurance: Because Crack and Head Lice Kill Those We Love

Ahh, the only industry that the Federal Government has protected because it is so easy for us to defraud. Not that I would. Hell, I don't care about that. After all, what bad things could I have to say about this thriving part of our economy? Fuck. Where do I start?

Isn't it amazing that the Federal Government can tell us when we are doing the companies wrong, but they are easy to turn the cheek when they do us wrong? I simply adore it. There is so much red tape involved with something as simple as getting an ingrown toenail cut out that it is not even worth the time it takes to try and resubmit a claim to your insurance company. One person calls it regular maintenance and the next refers to it as a true claim. The next thing you know you are getting in your minivan and heading to the home office to plant a sledgehammer in a certain claims representative's eye sockets.

Personally, I'm a ticking time bomb. I have so much little stuff wrong with me, I can't decide where to start. The problem I have with getting them taken care of is the effing deductable. My company recently bought into a higher deductable group plan. What that means is that I have to spend $3,000 mother fucking dollars before I "have" insurance. I know this is a bad economy, but if you opened your doors and recently purchased a new vehicle, home, vacation getaway, don't put the plight on your employees. We make you the money for those things. The least you horse's asses could do would be to make living easier on us.

Congress is just...they are just a bitch. They are a bunch of jagaloons. Need Proof?

Oh Really? What a Plan. Holy Shit. I'm a Conservative

I thought these guys were qualified. It's like playing doctor with an idiot savant.

"Who loves your dogs? Not us, Assholes!!"

"Guess What? We Hate Your Puppies Too." Sincerely, Congress

I am most certainly for a public option for health care in this country. If we were all created equal and the United States Constitution is more than just toilet paper, why don't we all deserve to be looked after. If a bumble-fucked AIG executive can have good health, so can we. I enjoy history and respect our Founding Fathers an assload more than I do any of the reh-tards that are running this country today.

Truthfully, our leaders, no matter the party affiliation, are not respectable enough to be called retarded. I should draw the line there.

Retarded people need someone to make fun of.

Talking To A Real Person On the Phone: Overrated

I'd love to tell you all that a woman as attractive as the young lady below answered your last customer service call. I'd be lying and that is just not what I'm about. You won't be talking to her. There will be a small chance she works in that building. Better yet, she is probably shooting a porn flick in a vacant office.

Interestingly enough, she actually is calling plays for the Oakland Raiders in that photo. Who would have known?

I am willing to bet, she can outsource a lot of things.

However, this is, theoretically and literally, what you would be speaking to.

Great. They are preemptively learning how to find the G spot. We're finished.


What an effing tool.

Photo Courtesy: Direct TV's customer service Employee of the Quarter Bulletin Board

Or, even better, and more likely to occur...

Finally, someone that will listen to me.

What I don't understand is when you call these customer service lines, the companies immediately insult your intelligence by referring to an obvious Hindu operator as having the name, George, Julie or Melvin. Something they probably change phone call to phone call to keep things interesting. I generally try to follow the normal, "Hello, my name is Roger, how can I be of service to you?" With, "No it isn't." or "I love hamburgers, do you?" If they are going to insult me, why not return the favor? The general, "I'm glad you called," typically sends them into panic mode. Especially if they didn't call you.

If your number isn't on the Do Not Call list, expect a few random calls from recordings. These are shitty companies that don't have the money or common sense to outsource their phone calls to an undeveloped, impovershed country where people work for little to nothing. I like waiting for a moment, cursing like a sailor, and then hanging up. It would thrill me to no end to ever find out that managers listen to the people that respond to those phone calls. If they do, they get paid too much. No matter how much they get paid. Anything is too much.

The bottom line about outsourcing and recorded messages is that it is cheaper and will not go away. It is going to be a nuisance and I suppose I'll be better off accepting it and walking away.