Shower Spiders

Walk into bathroom, see spider, what do? Most people scream like a little ninny girl, others grab the shower hose and go to town. I myself favour the "DAD!/BOYFRIEND!/SIGNIFICANT OTHER MANLY STEREOTYPE!" approach to the situation...

If only they were this obvious.

Oh sweet jesus remind me not to go to Australia

Awww it's so adorable! I would never flush you down the- ok too close back off.

Just The Facts

  1. You are never more than two metres from a spider... ever.
  2. While seeming timid most of them are, I promise you, plotting your demise.
  3. Shoe + Spider = Crunch = Happiness, guaranteed.
  4. There's a spider waiting for your just beyond the plughole, waiting for your to lather up and close your eyes...

What's a Spider?

A spider, for those of you that live in Arctic regions and rarely see them, is a small eight legged bug thing. It has freaky feeler things at the front that sometimes look like fangs and they tend to creep around like the creeps they are. Most of the women, if not most of the people, on the planet fear them which is hard to understand because they're just so damn cute. totally understandable, kill them, kill them all!!

What Sorts of Spider Are They?

In Europe, the spider most commonly found in the bathroom is the cobweb spider. These are furry long legged monsters that enjoy crawling over your feet and surprising you with their sheer size. Another likely candidate is the jumping spider. These are the ones that really make you scream because, as their name hints, they can fucking jump. High. You think you're in for the kill and then BOING! the fucker is crawling up your pant leg!

For all you lovely American sorts, the arachnid you're most likely to find is one of the three House Spiders. The American House Spider, the Domestic House Spider and the charming Giant House Spider. Oh and, you're welcome American friends. The Giant House Spider was a gift from us Brits.

These spiders are all harmless and, if you find them in your bath/shower/jacuzzi/shoe there really is no need to kill them (no matter how satisfying it may be). There are ways and means to get these spiders out of your bath without the need to clean up any spider goo.

Safe Removal

The favourite choice for most people is to wash the little fuckers away. While convenient, it is frowned upon in most religions and for good reason- spiders eat nasty bugs that could hurt you, like wasps, cockroaches and woodlice. (Just kidding abut the woodlice, woodlice taste bad.)

A way enviro-warriors or whatever they call themselves choose to rid their baths of spiders (not that they shower themselves) is to drape a long piece of toilet roll over the side of the bath and leave the spider alone for half an hour. After it has finished it's wank and cleaned itself up, it will leave at the next available opportunity.

As for spiders that are in your shower cubicle, just leave it alone for a while. Jeez it's only a couple of inches big, maximum, it doesn't take that long to clean. (Does it boys?)

Times it's OK to get Shoe Happy

There are, naturally, some spiders that can cause injury to human beings. These, while also killing evil woodlice, are ok to kill because I'd rather you kill them than the other way round.

Who ever heard of a spider that cured brain cancer?

Well, me, but I heard it when I was stoned so... anyway.

For you delicious Americans the main spider commonly found in the home that could do you injury is the Hobo spider. Funny name, right? Haha. No. These spiders have been known to be aggressive (when protecting egg sacks) and their is much debate as to whether their bites cause skin necrosis.

Necrosis here meaning: Your skin fucking dying and peeling off of you.

There have been no reports of death in relation to Hobo bites, nor to the bites of Hobo Spiders. However, if you are lucky enough to get bitten, you can look forward to intense headaches, vision abnormalities and feelings of mayonnaise malaise. That means you feel a bit out of sorts.

Us charming Brits and sexy Europeans have the Hobo spider too, however there have been no significant reports of a bite. In fact, most of the spiders in Europe are massive pussies (probably due to our amazing good looks and sexual prowess (not that you'd want to get jiggy with a spider (woo parenthesis!))) and there is only one you really need to be careful of. That's the black widow. Basically, if you see a pea sized black spider with a red splodge- RUN! Or kill it with FIRE.