Albert Einstein

One of the most brilliant men of our lifetime who revolutionized the way we harness energy. Albert Einstein was a crazy German physicist with hair that was cooler than yours.

Where we're going you won't need eyes.

Do not eat the red one. Itsa spicy meata ball!

Just The Facts

  1. Albert Einstein was dumb until he was three, meaning he didn't speak. Get it?
  2. His hair looked like cotton candy, but most likely didn't tast like it.
  3. Compared to him you are a shaved monkey


Albert Einstein was a brilliant man with a brain that was far better than yours. If his brain was worth it's weight in gold then yours is worth it's weight in human excrement which, it is. Unless you're Stephen Hawking, If you are then congratulations! Unfortunetly you have a whole other set of problems.

Einstein gave us many theories that have advanced our species to great heights. His most famous was E=mc2 (how in the hell do you type a squared symbol? Damn you Christopher Sholes!), which states that energy equals mass times the speed of light squared. You may be saying "jeepers mister, what does that have to do with me?" Good question, Billy. Put simply it means that mass and energy essentially are the same thing. They are interchangable but unbalanced. Extremely small amounts of matter like your balls can turn into very large amounts of energy, much like your mom's hooters and vice versa. This idea is where nuclear energy came from, more on that later.

The theory of relativity has two parts which are: genreral relativity and special relativity. Special relativity is when the government rips a loved one from your arms. You plead and beg for their release and your cries fall upon deaf ears. You say you will do things you never imagined, like the allowance of various objects to be put inside you, whether it be anatomically organic or inanimate. They throw your loved one in a rocket that they assure you will be traveling at the speed of light, soon to be hurtling through space, probably never to be seen again. 50 years later the rocket returns and out steps your loved one, you have aged terribly and look like Abe Begota's foreskin and they look as soft as the day they were ripped from your loving embrace. How did this happen? This is because time is relative to velocity or time slows down as it approaches the speed of light. General relativity is kind of like when your fat ass mother sits in the middle of a trampoline, all the fatty foods she shoves in that thing she calls a mouth causes her density to increase, thus bowing the trampoline. If we put a turkey cooked or raw, (that does not really matter because the garbage disposal you call mom will devour it in any condition) will gravitate towards her larger mass. If we think of the trampoline as space and time and your mother as Jupiter, the large mass of Jupiter causes space and time to distort, making smaller celestial bodies (represented by the turkey that will hopefully deliver a hefty payload of Salmonella) gravitate towards the larger one. Also, time slows around heavier objects, kind of like when your mom runs and it apprears to be in slow motion because of her extra carriage. Dude, tell your mom to lose weight, seriously. She looks like King Kong's ball sack.

Einstein was born in Germany and did not speak until he was three. I find this amazing, in theory, a hillbilly that spoke at a year old was possibly more advanced than a one year old Einsein, fortunately for us this is where the superiority ends. If hillbillies were as smart as Einstein I would have put a shotgun in my mouth a long time ago. Think about it, highly intelligent hillbillies plus "Deliverance", no amount of Reynolds and Voight is going to save you. They would spread like a plague of locusts, a tumultuous rape tornado. The very idea makes me shudder.

E=MC2 was used to create something that we know all to well and our parents grew up shitting themselves over, the atomic bomb. Some cheese wieners got together and had the idea that if a miniscule amount of matter can create a elephentine amount of energy then maybe we can use it to kill a whole lot of people! Brilliant! I have a better idea! Why don't we create a race of super bears as large as elephants that have an unsatiable appetite for human flesh! Just to be safe we will create a million at once and for good measure let's make them wake up at the same time. Look the first one is hatching, awwwwww look how cute it is! He's sniffing me, haha it tickles! I think he's smiling at me! Oh my god! He's eating my face! The horror! I've never seen so much blood! It looks like someone spilled an oil tanker filled with strawberry jam! What have we done! Johnson! Where are your legs! I can see your Pancreas from here! What I have described here is essentially what happened with the creation of the atomic bomb.

All jokes aside, Albert Einstein went through a lot in his life, including an escape from Nazi Germany. His brilliant ideas were distorted to make a device used to destroy life when he wanted the opposite. He meant for his theories to advance our civilization by creating unlimited energy sources without causing damage to the environment, hopefully that idea will one day come to fruition. He once said, "Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity." He was a great representation of the human species, unlike your mom who is a gorilla.