The Does And Don'ts Of Zombie Survival

Zombies were predicted in babylonian epics, thought of as supernatural creatures by shamans and the end was told to us by the prophet, Romero. I hope that I can help you prepare as well.

Meet Uncle Zam

This is the enemy. Know the enemy, kill the enemy.

Yes, even if it has a nice rack.

Just The Facts

  1. Zombies are real and dangerous, more dangerous than a pedophile teaching first grade PE.
  2. The threat can take many evolutionary paths. Don't expect to know exactly what we're up against, other than having headshots galore.
  3. Organize before they rise.

1: Know the enemy types.

Zombies can come in many forms; in many forms and many evolutionary paths unless killed quickly. This all depends on how they became zombies and on however the pandemic started, but in the end it will, chances are, not only prove to be doom to all of humanity, but also a hell of a lot of pissed off creationists. Let us explore possible futures and ways we are inevitably going to die.

1a: Classics

Slow, mindless, but overwhelming - these are most likely the beginning stages before they evolve. These will find power in numbers, taking you out with simple armies and manpower rather than technology, mind games and kung-fu ninja cyborgs (we'll explore cyborg zombies in the future). Killing them will be a test of numbers, strength, guns and any and all lunatics in the mood to embrace the philosophy "today looks like a good day to die." Prevention will be our main weapon, so if you see some mindless person not noticing anything around them, unfriendly and with a look of murder in their eyes, shoot on sight before they grow. Warning: Do not conduct this theory around a high school as mistakes will be made and lawsuites will be filed.

1b: Mutations

This could range from the fast ones who will, of course, come after the classics first once the brain gains some intelligence, to giant behemoths who seem to be put on patrol right in front of the end of the levels. Now these fast ones will be a severe nuisance, but they can be contained fairly easily since they will not be able to pick you up and eat you in a single bite. On the other hand, the behemoths can do that. The behemoths are the ones who can shoot acid or are just really large and armed with clubs. These will have a certain weakness depending on their evolutionary track, but the usual good spot is the brain hidden underneath bones and an extra layer of thick flesh, but they are not invincable because if we can stop the gay pandemic of 2012, we can stop anything (look up the gay pandemic of 2012 on this site durring 2013).

1c: Sentiance

The last stage. Assuming you'v lived this far, good for you! If not, then you will surely be missed. but now is not the time for mourning, we still have a war people - the war on zombie intolerance. There will be wars against them due to harsh feeling left over from thier original invasion, but now they're good, so keep your prejudice out of my topic page Deuce Bag.

2: People

You will encounter many people on your path towards survival. We will explore three of them, the ones to avoid. Other than them, it's your call. Most of them, however, will be truly insane. Good luck soldier.

2a: The tyrant of the worthless patch of land

Paranoid, hateful and dare I say a little crabby. He will be the guy to advise that we eat the babies when food becomes scarce. He will be the one with control over some piece of land he insists is the only safe haven, and in order to keep you from leaving the base, thus exposing your position will have your loved ones killed, or even the last girl with sanity left, along with a hot bod left in this damned world of the dead. If you want to survive against him, either wait for zombies to attack and fight your way out, probably meeting his zombie self along the way. Hey no worries, you could also organize a revolution, then at least when you have to fight your way out, meeting the zombie tyrant along the way, you'll have an army of your own. Yipee!

2b: Cultist

They can be of any new spirituality. They can believe the zombies to be a perfect way of life and "want to spread the joy" or they can believe the zombies to be God's new apocalypse. You can either survive them or be badass and stop them. To survive them, ask around and find spots they don't control. Then all that stands between you and the sweet paradise land of noncult-occupied zombie infested land is the cult (and zombies). You can stop them by beating their leader and challenging their ethics. Religious cults are the ones you can actually stop, the other one will either kill itself or disband, but the religious zealots will be harder. They believe themselves to be God's warriors; they willl have no qualms with death, unaware that all that awaits them in the afterlife is God's punishment with zombies and The Hills all night long. You either have to kill their leader in a religious fashion, or better yet have him get eaten by zombies. A little irony you know.

2c: Raiders

They are the ones who revel in the lawless lands of Zombie-World (not as bad as the rodent infested Disney World). They will kill, steal, rape and all of those other social taboos. They love to kill people. They will be those guys in our world either locked up or who you try to avoid that measure of contact because, to put it in layman's terms, he's fucking scary as shit. In this world, he won't be bound by man's laws, he will be free to kill and generally fuck your shit up. The trick to them is to either out crazy them, scare them, or just fight fire with fire. I'm serious! Go to their camp and light them on fire and people will love you.

3: afterword

In closing, may I wish you peace. May you survive, may you live through the oncoming war and, most importantly, may you survive. In order to do that, you must be ready. So go out there and prepare Numbnuts.