Mystery, The Pick Up Artist

After about ten years of trial and error, Mystery assumingly learned how to talk to women. Not content with being the only Casanova on the planet, he formed his aptly titled "Mystery Method." This eventually led him to start appearing on television.

Mystery's Daily Life, in Flowchart

Special Thanks : <a href=Rinato"/>

Just The Facts

  1. Erik James Horvat-Markovic is his real name. His alternate name, Erik von Markovic, isn't any better.
  2. Was thrust into popularity by being the focal point of "The Game," a book written by Neil Strauss.
  3. Is "The World's Greatest Pick-Up Artist," a title equal in prestige to "Tire Salesman of the Month."
  4. Hosts VH1's reality show "The Pick-Up Artist."
  5. Penned the misogynist materpiece "Mystery Method: How to Get Beautiful Women into Bed."
  6. Learned everything he knows about picking up women from the completely related field of magic.

Cracked on Mystery

Meet Mystery
"I'm gonna get you laid."

Mystery first became known for marketing his technique designed to seduce women. It is a detailed step by step process that he has humbly named the Mystery Method. By doing this, he has somehow attempted to turn the time honored tradition of goggling over beautiful women into a game that comes with its own set of cheat codes.

Yeah, that about sums it up.

However, he still would have remained out of the public's eye had it not been for the book The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pick-up Artists. This book details the life of Mystery as told from his own protégé, Neil Struass. Following Mystery around like a puppy waiting for the next treat, Struass documents the day to day life of Mystery. He is such a good little wingman; Mystery decides to induct him into the society of pick-up artists, christening him with the nom de plume "Style."

I hate him so much
This is him, right here. Yeah, fuck you.

Things only went downhill from there. The online community for pick-up artists, alt.seduction.fast, began to grow rapidly. Then, having a cult following second only to Scientology, Mystery decided to start teaching his Mystery Method to the public. At around $2500, an average, lonely man could learn pick-up techniques directly from Mystery at a weekend bootcamp. We can only imagine this involving Drill Instructors, but instead of a Smokey Bear hat, they wear fuzzy top hats. And instead of yelling, they would just pout.

Just being an ass-clown
Super Sergeant Shag Hat

Things could not have possibly gotten any worse for the normal guys who just wanted to get laid. That was until VH1 caught onto the existence of this society of dong-masters. Somehow feeling that shows such as Hogan Knows Best and Flavor of Love weren’t sufficient enough at numbing the minds of the masses, the producers at VH1 signed on Mystery to host The Pick-Up Artist.

This is a real movie...
If only we were talking about the shitty movie with Tony Stark

The Bullshit that is The Game

"Game" was a term coined early in the 70's urban area to describe one's ability to attract a female. After two decades of over-use by the suburban community, Style took it the next extreme by writing and publishing The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pick-Up Artists. This is hailed as scripture to the seduction community, gold embroidery and all... 

Seriously
Seriously Style, Fuck you.

Those who actually read this are in for a treat (and by treat, we mean douchebaggery). The lingos and terminologies shared amongst pick-up artists are finally revealed, and they are rather lame. A pick-up artist is referred to a "PUA", a backhanded compliment is a "neg." The common guy is referred to an "AFC", or average frustrated chump. The pals that help you out, those are your "wings." 

 Paul McCartney
  Wings?

Finally, the book reveals that within the deepest centers of the seduction community lies... an attention whoring little princess. Besides being a constant drama queen, Mystery also had several cat fights for control over the Mystery Method Company. After several months, Mystery and Style formed the Venusian Arts. Mystery then attempted to sue the Mystery Method Company, proving once and for all that not only are pick-up artists in it just for the attention, but that they are not at all above irony.

There are no words...
Mystery, after several days of not getting any attention.

The Man, The Mystery, The Method

The Mystery Method has ensured that Mystery gets his own spot in the 7th Circle of Hell. He encourages men to wear the most ridiculous clothes they can find, and then use them to "peacock," or garner instant attention. Furry black pants? Sure. Ruffled pirate shirt? Of course. Life preserver? The sky's the limit. 

What in the holy hell?
  Or a chess piece, whatever.

After getting the attention, there is a process so outlandish it has Nigerian 419 scammers calling shenanigans. There are 3 components: Attract, Comfort, Seduction. Each component is then broken down into 3 separate steps, making a total of 9 highly detailed steps. 9 steps, no more, no less, and in order. That is the Mystery Method.

That's a great question
  "Why, of course. What else would you use?"

It begins by approaching a small group with an attractive female. Armed with nothing more than aviator's goggles and an ironic sense of confidence, you would go into Attract by telling a well-rehearsed story... to her friends. During this time, you must not only ignore her, but occasionally insult her. You then go into Comfort by isolating her from the group. Finally, you go into Seduction by convincing her to tell you how good she is at sex. It's fair to say the system is considerably flawed.

We couldn't make this up if we wanted too
  At least the end results are only slightly more masculine than Mystery.

This step by step process was first created as a way to enhance Mystery at his first job, a magician. That's right, this shit is perfect for stage performers. Honestly, if we had to choose whether to invest our $2500 in the Mystery Method or in that gentleman from Nigeria, well, the offshore banking isn't looking so bad.

VH1 turns Mystery into more than a Method

If we were to combine all of Matthew McConaughey's movies and squeeze every bit of smugness, chauvinism, and narcissism out of them, we still wouldn't have enough to compare to the first ten minutes of VH1's Pick-Up Artist. The whole world now gets to see just how much Mystery loves himself.

Is he really the center of his own fucking shrine?
A shrine built by Mystery's biggest fan, for Mystery's biggest fan

The show, having run two seasons already, steps out of the boundaries from the run-of-the-mill reality show into a tragic display of advice giving from self-proclaimed gurus. The competitors range from the 40 year-old virgins to the guys who are still heart-broken over their high school sweetheart leaving them for the third string quarterback ten years ago. We use the term "competitor" loosely in that it implies there is a real winner somewhere in there. Seriously, what is there to expect from a reality show that allows guys to name themselves Spoon, Kosmo, Pradeep, Matador, J-Dog, Rian, and Joe?

Dear god, he's multiplying
Next Season: Blinky, Winky, Dinky, Dot, Krill, Lobster, and Tim

Because no words from a normal person can describe the pretentiousness that is Mystery and his show, here he is doing it himself on Jimmy Kimmel Live! Within his five minutes, he talks about hunting women, weirding people out, teaching men a beautiful art form, and what it's like to be on top with great guys.