Scrabble is a world-famous board game in which people spell words. This is considered "fun" only by people aged 55+.

Just The Facts

  1. Scrabble is a combination of everybody's favorite things: Spelling bees, crosswords, politely taking turns, and dictionaries
  2. Despite the bafflingly boring concept of the game, 1/3 of all American households own a copy of the game.
  3. Upon consulting the Scrabble dictionary, one learns that "zinkify" is a word. Cracked heartily endorses the usage of this word.

Cracked on Scrabble

Throughout all of pop culture, certain products are associated with a particular age group. Texting, for instance, is largely associated with teenagers, while golf is associated with infidelity upper-middle class white guys who have to get away from their nagging wives. Buicks could fall into that category as well. Scrabble is largely associated with grandmothers and bookworms. But, here's where Scrabble puts other niche-market products to shame. Everyone has played Scrabble. It is most popular amongst the elderly, lonely, and socially-awkward folk, but the fact remains that pretty much everyone in the goddamned country has played this game at some point. Not to shabby for a game that promotes dictionary worship.

Pictured: Really fucking fun, apparently

Scrabble was invented in 1938 by an architect named Alfred Butts. Yes, yes, Butts. What is even sadder than this is that in order to figure out which point values to assign to letters (ie, the "E" tile is worth one point, but the "X" tile is worth 8 points. Curiously, none of the tiles are worth your time), Butts had to intensely study the dictionary to find out which letters appeared in the English language the most frequently, and which ones were used the least. Yes, yes, that's right. A man named Butts spent his free time literally studying the dictionary. Many people on the internet would quickly jump to proclaiming "EPIC FAIL", but the truth is exactly the opposite. After constructing his board game (originally called See Who Falls Asleep First), Butts managed to get ahold of a few investors, and by 1952, Scrabble had cemented itself in board game history.

But come on.


How to Play

Actually, the title should read How to Play Without Succumbing to the Voice in Your Head That Tells You To Stab the Board and Run. Anyways, Scrabble has a few rules that every player must follow, or they aren't allowed to play. So uh, you know... you better follow them. Basically, the board is a 15x15 grid in which you have to take your given letter tiles an spell out a word. The catch is that your word has to share a letter with a word already on the board, so in a way its sort of like a family version of a crossword puzzle, except with a 7th grade vocabulary. Another aspect of the game are the much-coveted "point bonus spaces", which means that if a letter is placed on top of them, you either get a Double Letter Score, Double Word Score, or The "Fuck Yes In Your Face Gramma" Triple Word Score. Players try to center their words around these spaces to maximize their score, also so they can say "Nah, I won last time, so I think I'll go undefeated".

Note: Scrabble will never end in lesbian scissorfucking

Like stated earlier, the letters' point values are determined by the rarity of the letter. That's why players always try to make the longest possible word with the most "X"s possible. So a word like "red" isn't worth very many points, because there are no rare letters in the word "red". However, a word like "fuckgoblin" would be a quite desirable word to play in Scrabble because of its length and relative rarity. Also, we're just pointing this out, but the word "excrement" on a triple word score is worth 60 points, plus a 50 point bonus for using all seven letters (or nine letters, whatever, math is hard). So maybe Scrabble isn't all that bad.

Despite being 18 months old, little Jimmy somehow manages to be 70 years old

Scrabble-Certified Words (With Actual English Translation)

These are all real words that will be accepted during gameplay. It's fucking ridiculous.

QINDARKA - Translation: A formal headdress for Middle-Eastern LARPERs

DHOOTIE - Translation: A toddler fart

SYZYGY - Translation: Leprechaun orgy

WALLYDRAIGLE - Translation: The scientific term for the little spiral at the end of a pig's tail

UMIAQ - Translation: A 13th century term for "dork"

DRYASDUSTS - Translation: The out-of-body experience one feels after humping their reflection in a mirror

ZUZ - Translation: That sound when you smack your armpit against your side really quickly

DROWNDS - Translation: A medieval term for rampant diarrhea

DIRNDL - Translation: A gypsy folk dance performed after an adolescent successfully creeps out a pedestrian

LIBLAB - Translation: A cheap knockoff of JibJab

MBAQANGA - Translation: Fuck if we know