Kurt Russell

For several decades it seemed entirely possible that Kurt Russell and Patrick Swayze might actually be the same person (or, at the very least, the most kick-ass brotherhood known to man).

Just The Facts

  1. For much of his career, Kurt Russell sported the world's most impressive mullet - a veritable waterfall of Bad Motherfucker spilling out the back of his head.
  2. So did Patrick Swayze.
  3. We'll pause here for a second while you pick your brains up off the floor, because we clearly just blew your minds.

Patrick Swayze and Kurt Russell: The Internet Agrees

The Kurt Russell/Patrick Swayze connection is not something we just made up: Many people think they resemble each other, some straight-up can't tell them apart, while others wonder if they've ever been told that they look alike. Some kind soul made this handy-dandy quiz in case you're suffering from a tragic case of Swayze/Russell Prosopagnosia and Russell even got this premature send-off due to the tragic passing of the Swayze.

And that's not all. Consider the following:

Kurt Russell explores the steamy, disreputable underbelly of firefighting.

Patrick Swayze explores the steamy, disreputable underbelly of dance instructing.

Kurt Russell is pushed off of a boat and comes back as the leading lady's redneck husband.

Patrick Swayze is shot and comes back as the leading lady's ghost-lover.

As an Air Force man, Kurt Russell travels to another world where he encounters primitive natives.

As a cross-dressing man, Patrick Swayze travels to Ohio where he encounters primitive natives.

Unfortunately, a quick search reveals the sad truth: Kurt Russell and Patrick Swayze aren't actually related.

But one can always dream. And, of course, write disturbingly erotic slash fiction.

Kurt Russell on Star Wars

Did you know Kurt Russell was almost Han Solo?

That's right: Not only is Kurt Russell almost Patrick Swayze, he is apparently also the Store Brand Harrison Ford (good in his own way, but often overlooked on the bottom shelf). Although Ford's portrayal of Han Solo was like pure sex butter spread on two slices of sex toast and served with the rest of a balanced sex breakfast, there is something to be said for a Millennium Falcon piloted by Ol' Jack Burton.

Kurt Russell Facts

Those made up facts about Chuck Norris are so ubiquitous on the internet they've become cliche. Here's a fact about Kurt Russell: He doesn't need to "make up" anything.

Kurt Russell FACT:

Kurt Russell learned how to crash cars into explosions because he figured it was a good, marketable job skill.

No, Seriously:

He started his career doing his own horseback stunts then, seeing that car-chases were set to be the new trend, he began utilizing his skills as a semi-professional race-car driver (no shit) to do his own car stunts as well.

Kurt Russell FACT:

Walt Disney once wrote the words "Kurt Russell" down on a piece of paper; then he died.

No, Seriously:

Kurt began his early career in Disney films, and first met Walt Disney just before the end. The last words Walt Disney ever wrote were "Kurt Russell." It's likely he had an idea for a role that Russell would be perfect for, or perhaps, with his last breath, he was just trying to warn the world of the vicious mulleted badass he had inadvertantly unleashed.

Kurt Russell FACT:

Kurt Russell has almost drowned four times. He has actually drowned once. All of them were on purpose.

No, Seriously:

For the movie Poseidon, in which (spoiler alert if you give a shit about Poseidon - and if so, thanks for reading, Director Wolfgang Petersen!) Kurt Russell's character dies. Wanting the scene to look authentic, Russell insisted he actually drown on camera. It took three or four takes for him to manually shut off all of his survival instincts, but eventually he did it. Divers and medics were on hand to quickly revive him, but let's face it - we all know he's only here because he beat Death in a footrace and earned the right to come back.

Cracked on Kurt Russell

Every time we rag on Kurt Russell for being a B-list actor or the generic version of a more successful actor, keep in mind it is only out of bitter, bitter jealousy of the man who is now completely synonymous with such awesome stuff as eye patches, rasping voices, semi-trucks, mullets and wrap-around sunglasses:

If there's a badass, Kurt Russell has not only played him, but probably made him look like kind of a pussy by comparison. He's been a trucker, a detective, an Air Force colonel, Elvis, a stuntman, a carpenter (just like Jesus, but wrapped in beef and wife-beaters,) and the world's most intimidating dad. The only way you could cram any more man into Kurt Russell is to...

Wait, no, never mind: There is no good way to end a sentence that contains the words "cram more man into Kurt Russell." Let us start over:

If a whiskey-hauling semi-truck veered off an overpass, collided with a nuclear submarine, then barreled into a testosterone factory, and the resulting explosion somehow gave birth to a hard-drinkin', hard-fightin' uber-mutant with inexplicably good hair and the urge to kill every sumbitch in the room, Kurt Russell would be one of the few men manly enough to kick it in the balls.