You have heard them mentioned. You have heard the rumors. Maybe you have heard the legends. The fact is that dongs do exist, and they are very real. Science can prove it.
You may have heard them mentioned on Cracked before, but how much do you really know about dongs?
When it was clear to us that a careful study of dongs was in order, we decided to explore the many aspects of the dong phenomena. The popularity of dongs is unprecedented, and it is our responsibility to dive right in and try to deliver while such an insatiable public hunger for dongs exists.
This week, we also sat down with some of our readers, and quizzed them on their knowledge of dongs. In addition, they shared their feelings on dongs with us, and what many of them had to say was shocking. While we try to explain the mystery of dongs, we will also show you what the average joes and janes had to say on this subject.
"Delicious!" - AAAAAAAAAA42
"Who are dongs?" - Logical Penguin
"Um...it comes after Ding? Yeah, I got nothin'." - Bubba Jenny
"I'm not sure what dongs are." - Flying Deer
Are you unsure about what "dongs" are? Well, don't be.
Technically speaking, dongs are just regular dicks. However, there is much more to it than that. Because the dong is used to urinate, masturbate, and procreate, it is of great psychological importance to humanity at large, and especially comedians and comedy writers.
"It's dongs! Soylent Green is made out of dongs!" - Cazio
"Ingredients: Milk Chocolate, (Sugar, Cocoa Butter, Chocolate, Lactose, Skim Milk, Milkfat, Soy Lechithin, Artificial Flavor), Almonds, Corn Syrup, Sugar, Partially Hydrogenated Dongs, Skim Milk, Less than 2% - Butter, Milkfat, Lactose, Salt, Egg-Whites, Soy Protein, Artifical Flavor." - Chab Gassie
That's definitely not the right list. The only correct part there was "Hydrogenated Dongs" (an ingredient in any dong), and "Salt" (most dongs are fairly salty). We suspect that this is just a trick to get people to taste a dong and see if it's good (probably it is, but we still aren't tasting it. You taste it). We also checked with the FDA, and it turns out that Soylent Green actually only contains 1.6 percent dongs. That's barely enough to justify their ad campaign claiming it is "made of dongs". Always read the label carefully.
We don't dispute the fact that the word "dong" might also refer to something besides a penis. In fact, there is a currency called the "dong", a language called "dong", and a race of "dong" people. We realize these people must hear a billion jokes every day about being a "dong", but this topic is not about any of that. These are not the dongs we're looking for.
Long Duk Dong sure did know how to appreciate a big face full of boobs.
We are also not talking about "Long Duk Dong" from "Sixteen Candles", even though his slapstick abilities nearly made up for the racist stereotype part he had to play. Gedde Watanabe will always be "The Donger".
Now that we've gotten that out of the way, we can get back to work on the matter at hand: dongs.
"Dongs make the world go round." - Roger Explosion
"My dong is that thing that keeps me in bed for an extra hour or so on days I don't work." - ahoythere4
"I once shot a dong in the street just to watch it die." - Samwise
"You're donging it wrong." - stressbunny
Probably part of the appeal of dongs is that they DO things. Besides the obvious things like using them to pee, have sex, or impress co-workers, they can do a few other things as well.
In any area where it snows, men will write their names in the snow using their dong's natural ability to shoot a stream of warm urine. Names are written so when other men come by and see, they will know whose territory they are in, and thus whether it is safe to write their own names nearby. In areas where there is no snow, this is done with spraypaint.
At least one man claimed his dong was channeling the devil, or maybe possessed by the devil. We aren't sure. That man was crazy as fuck.
You know how a fire safety box says to break glass in case of emergency? You can do that with a dong also. It's really a bad idea.
Some dongs can even lift a can of paint. Maybe someday dongs will be strong enough... no way. No fucking way. Ok. It seems that dongs can even TOW A CAR.
Yeah, we knew you wouldn't believe it either...
Do not do this with your dong. Unless you really don't have time to wait for AAA.
"Without dongs, the human race would've died out years ago. Like, a lot of years ago." - FR-Z-N
"Dongs are the essence of life, so technically, gays are the ones doing it right." - IAmNotBillyIdol
"There are two types of people in this world, sonny: those who love dongs, and women." - Schroeder
"First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of dong." - Bacter
"One dong is too many, and a thousand dongs is never enough." (from my Tuesday night DA meeting) - simplymomm
Who needs dongs? Almost everyone. Either directly, or indirectly, most people are dependent on dongs. Let's break it down by category...
Heterosexual Men - While some straight men will claim that they do not need dongs, good luck finding one who is willing to give up the one he has. Not only do straight guys need their own dongs (to show women), they also need to have male friends with their own dongs (to engage in contests with). Some men are so horny that they need dongs and cigars. That doesn't mean they are bad leaders. It just means that they know that sharing is important.
Heterosexual Women - Some straight women won't come right out and say they need a dong, but at one point or another in any straight woman's life, she will find herself in need of a dong. Luckily, nature has given them such advantages as boobs, which will automatically attract all dongs within a certain radius (based on relative gravity). Most straight men find that the problem with straight women isn't that they don't like dongs; it's that they have no interest in that particular dong. You might be a great guy who is fun to be around; you might be Mr.Right, and even Mr.Right Now, but the fact is, if you're not Mr.Right Dong, you'll be handling things yourself.
Homosexual Men (also called Gays) - Gay men have cleverly cut women out of the picture, allowing them to corner a dong-based economy of dong-for-dong trading. While homophobic people have some kind of problem with that, many straight guys know to be thankful. If you're straight and you have any doubts, find three gay friends to go clubbing with to any gay bar (where there are inexplicably always a lot of straight women also). You won't have to do anything special. Every straight woman who is charmed by your gay friends will be subtly aware that your straight dong is the only one there that she might have a chance at. It's just basic logic. Best of all, your gay friends will not get mad that you got her phone number and they didn't. They'll be happy for you.
Homosexual Women (also called Lesbians) - You think you have us on this one. You think we don't have dick. Wrong. Even the most dong-hating lesbians in the world will still need SOME dong to create a sperm sample if they ever wanted to get pregnant. It's a scientific fact. Really, most lesbians don't actually hate dongs; they just don't have any interest in touching them. Some lesbians do like the idea of dongs, and some even like dongs so much, they eventually decide to get one of their own. In addition, for lesbians to exist in the first place, they need to have biological parents like anyone else.
Despite gender or sexual preference, there is one other group who have a vast dependency on dongs:
Comedians - Every comedian in the world needs dongs to write jokes about. No dongs; no dong jokes. Since humans tend to have a constant interest in dongs, there's really no way to stop people from making jokes about them.
If you are reading these words, whoever you might be, there is a good chance that like everyone else, you too need dongs.
"In South Korea, cities have dongs." - Aquila89
"There are ~32 Vietnamese Dongs to 1 Costa Rican Colon." - The Amazing Lactosis-Man
"In America, first you get the money, then you get the power, then you get the dongs." - sr3116
"In Russia, they use whale dongs to make seats for their luxury cars." - ahoythere4
"In Soviet Russia, dongs obsessively make jokes about you!" - The Furlinator
"We cant stop here; this is Dong country." - magpyre
Luckily, dongs are almost everywhere. Dongs can be found all around the world; anywhere you find men, there will be dongs. If you are female, and not hideously ugly, and you ask men to see their dongs, they will probably show you.
Wait a second... was that a money joke in there? Stop it. We already told you, this is about dongs.
"A life without dongs is a life half lived." - Voodoo Tissue
"A half-hearted dong is better than no dong." -RonanP
Well.. yes, pretty much. A woman can temporarily have someone else's dong, but not her own dong. Science can make a woman have her own dong, but that's totally different, and it takes longer. It's complicated, so if you really need that part explained, you will have to go ask your mom or dad...or mom or dad...or whatever it is.
Of course, human males are not the only ones with dongs. Male mammals all have dongs, which we know from such sayings as "hung like a horse" and "tell the dog to stop licking his dong". Since horses are bigger than humans, their males get to have bigger dongs. Nature has handed out the many diverse dongs very carefully.
Humans do not need to look at pictures of animal dongs, because that's a sign of being a bad and disturbed person. It's ok for scientists to look at them, because they are trained in how to handle that kind of thing. So, scientists have examined many dongs (no, they really have, we're not kidding), and discovered that like any other body part, there's a bunch of weird scary looking things attached to animals.
A few interesting examples?
"All work and no dongs makes Daku a dull boy." - Daku
"There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you have dongs?" - irjerry3
One of the most important advances of civilization was not only the discovery of the properties of dongs themselves, but the ability to draw pictures on dongs on things, so years later other people could see them and say "Hey, someone drew some dongs here!"
Probably the first pictures of dongs were just men sitting naked at the beach, and tracing the shape of their dongs in the sand. When they stood up, early man discovered that the image of his own dong had been "magically" inscribed upon the ground. No doubt, they assumed their dongs were magical.
Eventually humans learned to draw figures on cave walls, depicting men with spears and dongs chasing after animals with horns and dongs. There was probably a hell of a lot of flipping and flapping during these hunts. It's likely that loincloths were invented to hold their cavejunk in place more than to hide it from people. Most men don't really want to hide their dongs from anyone, but they don't want them being jarred around or spraining something either. (We have never had a sprained dong, nor do we know if it's even medically possible; but the bottom line is that we would not want to have one).
That was only the beginning though. When one man learned to draw a picture of himself, another man came along and drew the dong on the picture. This was not the first vandalism ever, but it was probably the first case of 'art damage'.
Soon people were drawing dongs on paintings and in books. Anywhere dongs could be drawn, they would sometimes be drawn.
Dongs could also be sculpted. A good way to achieve embarrassment through history was to piss off an artist, since there was a chance that he would render your dong in stone for all to see. There was also a chance he would make it really small.
Lots of people stop to look, but not all of them remember to point and laugh.
"You know what they say; it's not the size of the dong in the fight..." - Pvt.Biscuits
"You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little dong!" - Copperpot
"You said, "My Little Dong". That makes me giggle." - simplymomm
Absolutely. If you draw the wrong sized dong on a picture, it might not look realistic enough, or the perspective could be off. Also be sure to draw a tiny dong on pictures of people you don't like. Their gender is irrelevant. It's a functional insult either way.
Drawing dongs poking people in the face is good too. You want to make those as large as possible. The best thing is to start with a picture with someone yelling. You know, so their mouth is open.
We think you understand our vision here.
"Bow before the one true Dong!" - jerewhit
"In all situations I ask myself, 'WWDD?' the answer is invariably flop." - Marsupial
"He who lives by the dong, dies by the dong." - nchammer326
"Dongs are God's apology for Nickelback." - Seether Chick
So, were the cavemen actually right? Are dongs magical? Are they in fact, divine? Probably somewhere, people believe that dongs are nothing less than gods. Either these people are very primitive, or suffer from moderate dyslexia.
The fact is that while no one actually worships dongs as divine beings, many cultures have placed great importance in both male and female traits, with obviously humorous results.
A lot of pantheons show the male Gods walking around with their godly dongs out, and some myths directly involve dong-related activities.
According to the ancient Egyptians, when Set and Osiris feuded with each other, it ended up getting pretty messy. Set chopped Osiris into a bunch of pieces, and was careful to make sure he got the dong. Then he flung the pieces everywhere (to stop Osiris from regenerating, because most of the Egyptian gods had superpowers equivalent to Wolverine or Claire Bennett), and tossed Osiris' personal staff into the Nile. It all worked out when Isis gathered the pieces back together, but talk about a bad day.
The Greeks and Romans were keen on horny manly gods who went around sticking their dongs in pretty much everything. This brought about a few new gods and goddesses, a couple of monsters, and a bunch of paternity suits.
Judaism is also picky about dongs. They require men to chop off the tip of the foreskin. This isn't really a religious thing though; Jewish chicks just think it looks cooler, and jewish guys are not stupid.
Christians also don't mind dongs. Many depictions of Jesus include his immaculate dong for all to see. There's nothing wrong with that. Really, he's just lucky the Romans didn't try to get creative with their nail pattern, or every crucifiction painting would show Jesus grimacing horribly. I don't care who you are; you aren't about to keep your calm demeanor, no matter who your dad is.
One of the most widely known dong-respecting cultures is Japan of course. They have a whole holiday where the eternal dong spirit is celebrated, with a fullblown penis parade. It's a yearly Shinto festival. Sure, the Japanese are weird, but you know you envy them. You want to get out of work for the day so you can go watch giant wooden dongs parade down the street. Don't even lie.
Oh my god... is she really riding a giant dong and eating a dong-pop?
This woman loves dongs even more than us. There is literally no joke we can make. She has beaten us.
George Carlin once explained religious conflicts in terms of a fundamental argument over divine dong beliefs, which he characterized in the phrase: "My god has a bigger dick than your god!".
"I'm on the highway to dongs." - ShermanTank
"Dongs? They're pretty alright I guess. They were better before they went mainstream though." - Fizzlepop
It may be no surprise to know that dongs have become a prevalent theme in modern rock and rap music.
"My Dick" is a song by Mickey Avalon, about his dong (dick is slang for dong). His friends also sing about their dicks. All of them draw an ongoing series of comparisons between their dicks, and your dick. They might have not been talking about you though.
Andy Samberg and Saturday Night Live guest Justin Timberlake wrote one of the most well-known dong songs ever: "Dick in a Box". Always remember to select the correct box when giving gifts.
Musicians all around the world have written songs about their dongs. "Sunrise Sunset" is a perfect example of Japanese dong music. Who better to sing about dongs than a wrestler turned comedian? Razor Ramon HG, better known as "Hard Gay" is famous for his slapstick and friendly social pranking, as well as his frequent puns and dirty humor. He also claims to have dong superpowers. Not only can he read and talk on the phone with his dong, he also has the ability to shake it toward people at any time.
One way or another, many movies have featured dongs as part of the plot...
Sometimes famous dongs just make a quick cameo in a movie. "World's Greatest Dad" has a scene where Robin Williams goes swimming naked. There's actually less back hair than you would reasonably expect. Williams and his dong even appear onscreen together in one shot, giving the impression that him and his dong are just going for a swim, and he doesn't care who knows.
Obviously, porn also features whole scenes based on dongs and dong-related activity; but if you needed us to tell you that, then you probably don't know dick about dongs.
"They're ok, I guess." - I'm_a_Vandal
"I can take them or leave them." - MikeSC
"There are three ways we can do this; the right way, the dong way, or my way. My way is almost identical to the dong way." - JohnnyParadise
"Ask not for whom the dong tolls. It tolls for thee." - Schroeder
"All dongs have a creamy, white filling." - liljamie23
"Early to bed and early to rise makes a man dongs dongs dongs dongs." - RivenHale
"Oh, we buried dongs, all right. Buried dongs all night long." - ahoythere4
"Some men choose death before war, wise men choose dongs." - Ddude28
"Now I become Death, the destroyer of dongs." - Sherman Tank
"It's not the dong on the outside. It's the dong on the inside that counts." - LuckyStrike
"Carpe dong." - Bambo Ocha
"I have handled more Dongs than a Vietnamese bank teller." - ahoythere4
"A dong in the hand is worth two in the bush." - Gartis
"Those who would trade liberty for dongs deserve neither." - Samwise
"On a grand enough scale, we are each but dongs erupting from the pubic plain of a crustal Earth" -EdgedThesis
"Before I found dongs, I didn't know what was missing from my life. It was just so... shallow. Dongs brought me money, women and more dongs. Thanks dongs!" - Vlad the Impala
"I remember the good ol' days when the word "dong" was hilarious and actually meant something. But thanks to you guys, the word is now dead and buried. Good job, everyone. We can all go home now." - codespyder
"Haha! Guys, look! Spyder said dong!" - FR-Z-N
(after cutting all other words out of a quote, except the word 'dongs')... "Yes, exactly my feelings on the subject." -RivenHale
"Anyone who writes a topic page on dongs is an idiot." - HyperGlavin