If Monopoly Was Honest
Monopoly was created in 1935, and the first game still hasn't finished.
Monopoly
In Monopoly, one player lucks into massive financial victory early on and spends the rest of the game slowly grinding everyone else into dust, accusing them of being poor losers when they complain. It's basically Capitalism: The Game--so try not to be the boot next time, Third World!
Game Length
The average length of a family is game is "infinity hours," as shouting and slammed doors aren't recognized as a victory condition by the official rules. We're not saying it's a terminally flawed game with all the time-awareness of a concussed Redwood: Hasbro themselves said that when they added extra rules to the official World Monopoly Championships to end the game inside a human lifespan.
The Free Parking Controversy
The official rules are "Absolutely nothing happens on Free Parking," as even the anti-family campaigners of Parker Brothers couldn't bring themselves to make the game longer. Some people add a cash prize of "all money paid to the bank" for landing on Free Parking, because nothing shortens an agonizingly interminable game like huge cash injections for random players. (Make a bailout joke here if you want.)
Notable Games
Bjorn Halvard Knappskog won over 20-thousand dollars in the 2009 World Monopoly Championships, while specially modified sets contained escape kits for British POWs during World War II. In other words, people need to be offered five-figure sums or held in Nazi prison camps to finish a game of Monopoly.
Idiotic Variants
Bratz Monopoly
An attempt to keep whichever insane perverts that like these slutbabies locked up in their own homes forever.
Beatles Monopoly
There is literally no way to wring more money out of Lennon's corpse without digging the thing up and eBaying bits of it.
Dale Earnhardt Monopoly
Requires a love of NASCAR and an understanding of actually owning property. Target audience of zero.
Batman and Robin Monopoly
Still better than the movie.
My favorite: Pokemon Monopoly.
ReplyThat Honest Monopoly Board had me in stitches.
ReplySpecial "Four Hundredth dumbass variant of Monopoly" Edition!- lmfao
ReplyI played Monopoly on the PC and won against the computer by saving before I reroll the dice again and again until I get the result I want, I repeat this until I own a few monopolies and proceed to bleed the computer dry.
ReplyWhat can I say, I am a cheating bastard!
It is people like you who, when the machines gain sentience, are why they will kill us.
At which point, I hope the human race can reload.
thats why when i see people playing monopoly i kick down the door and rob the bank, to bad the newer editions have dye packs hidden in them
ReplyIn my house we get too vicious when we play monopoly. Or Uno. Or anything for that matter...
ReplyHow about an electric version of monopoly with wifi or 3g built in to update the properties, allow different game modes, and maybe put more games on there, or do a cheap version with a regular cardboard board and some lights, moving lcds, sensors, tracks, electric dice rollers, digital cash counters, one button buying, all in a physical maybe folding package, maybe with glitzy materials and semi-precious stones if the price has to be high.
Replythe best thing to do with a monopoly set is fill the box with broken brick bits and wrap it up for someone's birthday, then just personally deliver it to their face, eventually someone will unwrap the now bloodied present. Then you can tell them it still didn't hurt as much as playing monopoly.
ReplyThat's why I like Risk, it's strategy, and if you get pissed, punch the opponent set up a puppet government, and declare global dominance, all's fair in love and war, (that's what I told the police.)
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesRisk. Classic. I always put all my pieces on Afghanistan just to piss my friends off.
This guy knows how to play "risk"
How about virtual RISK now with build puppet government option
The worst game I ever played of Monopoly: I actually managed not to land on any open properties before all of them were bought. But somehow I was still collecting Go money faster than I was losing money for a very long time.
ReplySitting across from my opponent, I triumphantly cry, "Checkmate in 22 moves." My opponent argues that no man can plan a checkmate 22 moves in advance. When I go to answer, he interrupts me to remind me that he hasn't even made his first move yet. As I attempt to explain how, he says, "And finally, we're playing Monopoly!!"
Replyomg i always forget about taking a "bailout " from the bank when im banker . although the poeple i play with never let me
ReplyHow to win: from the word GO buy abslolutely everything you can lay your hands on. Even the cheap ones. Mortgage your streets if that can get you even more streets. When every street is sold, try to get two complete cities in a row. Put hotels on those streets. Gongratulations! You won!
ReplyNow put the silly Monopoly board away and go play Risk.
There's now a "Canadian Monopoly". How dumb do they think we are!?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesYeah. Everybody knows that there are no streets or cities in Canada.
I didn't know you can own property in Canada, and am I really expected to believe they have jails
Ask Kevin Spencer. Or, better yet, DON'T.
I love monopoly. It is a great game! And the railways are not pointless. They are one of the keys to winning the game.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesDon't care.
agreed (Dav.)
you're right they arent pointless. but they sure are hard to get and noone ever wants to sell them
I dont think ive ever finished a game of monopoly in my life
ReplyWhat about Star Wars monopoly?
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesOr SpongeBob Monopoly? It's still being sold
Or Simpsons Monoply?
Or Pokemon monopoly?
Or the red and green show monopoly
@ There is literally no way to wring more money out of Lennon's corpse without digging the thing up and eBaying bits of it.
ReplyFrom the eBay website: Humans, the human body, or any human body parts are not permitted on eBay.
Link: http://pages.ebay.com/help/policies/remains.html
Market it as "John Lennon collectors items". Now you can own a piece of John Lennon's life with this item of undisclosed origin.
Coincidentally, that's how Ringo still makes money.
+1
Fortuitous Earthquake FTW!
ReplyUsually, I just hit my brother.
"That's the actual royal family, selected through generations of breeding and a lifetime's training to smile and wave politely at people"
ReplyLOL. Surely you mean "generations of subjugating peasants and raping the chambermaids". Genetically, nobility are not very nice people. The great achievement of the last few centuries was stripping power from them.
"It's basically Capitalism: The Game"
Well, yeah. That's why it's called Monopoly. It is - and was always meant to be - a little political science lesson. The fact that a random player lucks out is kind of the entire point of the game.
Would you like to buy my patented "sarcasm-detector"?
More like generations of in-breeding.