Being Asian

Hello, not hurro, my name is Johnny (stereotypical Asian-American name) and I'll attempt to describe what being Asian is like in a dominately white society.

Just The Facts

  1. Chop sticks are stupid.
  2. Kung-fu is more fun to watch.
  3. Dog is edible but I don't think I want to try it.


There are several categories of Asian people

Immigrants - the immigrants are generally the parents. The ones older than 40, the ones who can't speak English, the ones who block the aisles at a grocery store.

FOBs - FOB stands for fresh-off-the-boat, or in Engrish, fresh-off-boat. Often travel in packs up to 6-7 people. FOBs are generally from the mainland, Hong Kong.

AZNs - I am thoroughly confident you have heard of the AZN PRYDE movement. If not, it was an internet sub-culture phenomenon amongst Asian teens born in North American society. More or less it was a time where Asian teens thought they were black. Fortunately this fad has died down, but can still be seen in your local club.

Keeners - are basically born and bred so that the parents can have a dick measuring (no pun intended) contest among other immigrant parents. These are the teens where the immigrant parents whipped the child into shape, so that he/she can be a living success story. Keeners strive to make their parents proud, thus making them highly socially awkward.



All Asians know kung-fu
Thanks to the success of Bruce Lee, Jet Li and Jackie Chan. Asians are completely and utterly brilliant at Martial Arts. Unfortunately that is a lie. I personally am not completely and utterly brilliant at Martial Arts. The only ones who are Martial Artists are the textile workers. I took Tae Kwon Do as a child for one month and then quit due to the fact my immigrant parents figured it was too expensive, proving one Asian logic:

Let M = Money
Let PWD = Physical Well Being
This formula brings me to my next point.
All Asians excel in math
Now I am not sure how this stereotype came to be but at least it's moderately positive. Seeing as math is the ruler of earth and everything electronic. Once again, personally I was garbage at math; in a class of super elite students with a class average of 86% I was what held the class average back. The average could have been 98%. This is a poop-chute guess but somewhere down the line known as History, Ancient Neolithic Asians must have invented counting through magic and wizardry.
All Asians eat dogs
I know people who have eaten dog, but I know more people who have eaten horses and dolphins. A suggestion would be that this stereotype to be re-written to "All Asians eat dolphins". How often do you say that?
All Asians are computer experts
Maybe not all Asians, just a sub-class of Asian called: Japanese. My theory on how this stereotype came to be is: when Japan was hit with the iron fist of USA, their brains mutated for better and worse.
  1. The radiation evolved their brains 10-fold which clearly explains how Japan is the technological leader of the world
  2. The radiation degraded their brains 10-fold which clearly explains how Japanese fetishes are more, for lack of a better term, fucked up. Example: tentacle monster sex.

But I digress, Japanese culture is beautiful (minus the fetishes) and thank Buddha for them, for making the very computer I am using. Even though it's a Dell.

This isn't what XBOX stands for

Yellow Fever

On a personal topic, I am a Asian kid born in North American society, and I have been so "white washed" to the point where I find it creepy to like Asian women.

But I can understand how Caucasian males (or females) can be completely turned on by Asian women (or men, but for consistency's sake I'll stick to females). Their cute and small demeanor make them irresistible to Caucasian males. With their peace signs so close to their faces (the closer the cuter) and their little hand bags, and their mini-skirts. The list goes on. Unfortunately the cons out-weigh the pros


  • Small and petite ('naw what I'm sayin', 'naw mean, 'naw mean?)


  • AZN brother (likes to think his penis is bigger than yours)
  • High maintenence (if you're not rich, she don't want no part of you)
  • Likely to be smarter than you (no nookie until finals are over)
  • One on one time is highly unlikely (they travel in packs)
  • Vagina is censored (thus making it hard to find it)

If one is willing to accept the cons of an Asian woman, go hard.

In Summary

Alright, so I guess I didn't stick with my thesis of describing what "being Asian is like in a dominately white society."

And I realize this could potentially cause a giant racist outrage. But I'll worry about that later.