Zune

It's brown, it's the size of a brick, it's heavy, it's an ugly fucker! Apparently it's meant to play music, but all I see is a blue screen...

The Microsoft Zune doing what all Microsoft products do

Just The Facts

  1. The first Zune was a big thick shit colored piece of shit
  2. Microsoft tried to persuade people that paying $15 a month infinately for your music is cheaper than paying $1 once
  3. This is what happens when Microsoft tries to do hardware

The birth of an abonination! (and it's amazing innovations!)

One day, the guy who runs Microsoft, this dude:

Steve Ballmer

Deciced that the iPod was actually working quite well for Apple, so the biggest photocopier in the world needed to do what it did best and make a shit version. As you can see by the picture at the top of article, they took this a bit too literally.

They did, however, come up with amazing new innovations for the Zune! I mean, seriously, I can't believe Apple never put a feature in the iPod that lets it send songs to other iPods which you could only play three times within three days! I mean, seriously, that's a lot better than having access to the iTunes Store and YouTube, isn't it?

The first Zune

First, let's get things straight here. This isn't a "Microsoft media player" at all, it's made by Toshiba. Because, of course, when you want a media player, the first name you think of is Toshiba, right? I guess this shows that Microsoft don't even trust themselves to make a decent piece of hardware. Good call, Ballmer.

Look at that thing, though. Knowing that Toshiba made that is enough to put me off buying anything from them ever.

Check out the click wheel, too! It's like the one on the iPods, but smaller, and, well, no click wheel functionality whatsoever, it's just a normal set of buttons. Go Microsoft Toshiba!

Now, when you get a media player, the first thing you do is hook it up to the computer and put your porn films, music, etc. on there, right? Well, here's what happens when you do that on a Zune:

...And that's if you're lucky enough the get the Zune programs to work in the first place, just look at what happened when Engadget tried! (TL;DR version: they had great fun spending hours trying to make the program work, then rebuilding their RAID array that the program somehow screwed up)

Then, if you do manage to make it work, you have to pay $15 a month infinately (if you want your music to keep working, anyway) for music with a Microsoft DRM on it. Great.

In 2008, GameStop said they had "decided to stop selling Microsoft's Zune players at its stores due to what it sees as insufficient demand from customers." Oh no, shame! Who wouldn't want one?

The NEW AND IMPROVED ZUNE!

Riiight, well it's the normal Zune, but it's been run over by a lorry, and the menus look sort of a bit slightly different.

So, as you can see, Microsoft has now also ripped off the first generation iPod Nano, years after it was made.

However, at least the software works properly... Well, properly by Microsoft standards anyway.

ZUNE HD, BITCHES!

"FUCKING HELL LOOK AT THIS SHIT! DAT SHIT LOOKS SICK, G!" -Zune customer

This thing is bullshit shithead shitfuck. OK, so it looks nice, but it has a OLED screen. You might think that's a good thing, but all it means in the real world is that the screen will fade and die in a matter of a few years, and it will be less visible in sunlight right from the beginning.

HD radio. All that means is it'll get radio stations from a few different freqeuncies. The HD does not stand for High Definition.

The screen on the Zune HD does not show anything in HD quality. Obviously. In fact, the screen is worse than that of the iPod Touch and iPhone.

Microsoft also said this thing has a great new NVIDA processor. All this is, is the processors that the iPod used years ago. Also, claiming it has 8 cores is like claiming a car with 8 spark plugs has 8 engines.

So, if you see someone with one of these things, feel free to shout "RETARD!" right at their face!