As children, most of us didn't notice that our favorite cartoon characters were drug addicts. Looking back, it's pretty certain they were tripping balls 24/7.&&(navigator.userAgent.indexOf('Trident') !
Just The Facts
- Drugs can be pretty fun if abused properly.
- Cartoonists can't resist corrupting children.
- It's only a matter of time before pharmaceutical companies get in on this.
Popeye inspects his "spinach"
Drug of Choice: Steroids
As anyone familiar with the show can tell you, Popeye has big fucking arms. You see, the whole premise of the show is that Popeye solves all of his problems with muscle. He supposedly built that muscle by eating spinach (a shameless plug for Big Spinach). I would like to point out, however, that no amount of spinach could make a person's arms that big. Not unless he was stuffing it under his skin, anyway. Popeye was also capable of superhuman feats of strength, like punching through iron and launching fat men into low-earth orbit.
It's a good damn thing Popeye doesn't play baseball, because he'd be kicked out faster than shit through a goose.
How is he going to eat them with one tooth!?
Drug of choice: Acid
Gargamel is, for lack of a better word, bat-shit crazy. He is a senile old man whose sole purpose in life is to catch and eat one of the Smurfs. Now, if you look at this from the perspective of a normal person, Gargamel wants to catch and eat a tiny invisible blue person. Yeah, no way that's a hallucination. For objective purposes, here is a side-by-side demonsration of what Gargamel sees everyday:
On the left: what Gargamel sees. On the right: what everyone else sees. Just sad.
Note the large, brightly colored mushrooms. And also the tiny brightly colored people. Its hard to argue that seeing imaginary tiny blue people who you can never seem to catch isn't a hallucination, but boy does it look fun.
The Roadrunner (Velocitus Incalcublis)
That's how they hook ya.
Drug of choice: Cocaine
The Roadrunner clearly has a problem. It has no desires, no goals in life other than to run and to do more cocaine. Even Tony Montana would have to say "you fucking cock-a-roach, you snort alot of blow". Years of snorting coke has made him unable to speak. But on the positive side, he can run fast enough to defy gravity. The Roadrunner routinely outruns vehicles, aircraft, and rockets. He can outrun a FUCKING ROCKET. Its amazing his legs don't catch on fire from the friction. I guess the cocaine takes care of that somehow too. In any case, he always manages to outrun the coyote, which just goes to show you: cocaine may very well save your life.
Shh... you're harshing my buzz...
Drug of choice: Barbiturates
Look at the picture above. Notice his eyelids. This guy abuses oxycodone. Alot. Like, everyday. In fact, it has even caused his cheeks to be droopy. He used to be Perky Dog, but the stress of being a cartoon dog got to him. Now he sits around everyday barely conscious of his surroundings. He has even taken to turning tricks on the street to pay for his habit.
The glamorous life of a prostitute.
Scooby Doo and Shaggy
No mystery there.
Drug of Choice: Marijuana
Scooby and Shaggy were the two lovable cowards who drove around with the gang in the Mystery Machine and solved mysteries. They also smoked alot of weed. That was their thing I guess. It didn't go unnoticed by parents though, as this article discusses the assumed adult themes of the most recent live-action movie. It claims that a scene in the movie shows smoke billowing out of the mystery machine late at night.
Pictured: Mobile hot-box.
It is at this point that I must bring up the point that Shaggy and Scoobie are pretty much always hungry. So much so that Shaggy is willing to eat fucking dog food. Those are some serious god-damn munchies. Shaggy eats an average of 9 scooby snacks each episode. My only explanation is that the dog treats are all he can afford to buy after he spends all his money on a pound and a half of the finest reefer.
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