Zombie Survival Guide

Tips and tricks to help you survive the zombie apocalypse, what kinds of zombies to expect, how to become a zombie yourself, where you should hold-out, who you should or shouldn't team up with, and what may have started the infection!

If you aren't one of the lucky ones who just get bit and change into a zombie, this will happen

You should practice on simultors like this one

Super hero zombies, just pray that you don't ever meet them, and on a side note, the story behind them is truely messed up

Just The Facts

  1. Zombies are hungry... for you... always
  2. Don't forget, get some old people or small child friends, if you need to you can use them as zombie bait
  3. Aim for the head, dont stop until you've either beheaded them, crushed their skull in, or you can see that a large chunk of their brain has been removed
  4. Don't stay in one place for too long, if zombies have found you once, they will find you again
  5. Melee weapons- heavy weapons capable of crushing skulls or sharp blades capable of cutting through flesh, or chainsaws, which are like both
  6. Unless these are like 28 days/weeks later zombies, they won't die out, and you'll have to live in a zombie world forever

Prep work for the zombie apocalypse

Honestly, what cracked reader isn't ready for the inevitable zombie virus to spread around. At the very least everyone has been stockpiling weapons and ammo...right? No? Well then! Get started! Get a shotgun, handgun, scoped gun, whatever gun you can get! Something heavy to hit them with! Fire Ax! Immediately shoot anyone who you think is infected or you know is infected. Annoying neighbor, whiny neighbor boy? They're definitely "infected." Don't forget that Fido can be infected too, man's best friend isn't immune. NOW! Decision! Barricade your home or keep moving trying to get to the "army evac station"? BOOM DECISION If your house is naturally a fortress and is in a nice remote location, stay! If you're in downtown New York! MOVE, near an old folk's home! Gather food from nearby stores and abandoned houses!

The shit has hit the fan!

Did you do all the prep work? Yes? Skip this then. No? Keep reading. Did you guys who did all the prep work actually skip this? No? Oh well. Yes, for those woefully unprepared souls, you should use whatever is available to you.(This include small children and old folks) Remember, heavy or sharp weapons for the melee kills. If you can get some guns, thats great! You should probably keep moving, as your house isn't barricaded, or it is and you shouldn't move. Try and meet up with some other survivors, capable, non-retarded survivors, with practical skills, such as being bait, medical skills, murder skills, gun skills, ninja skills, nun chuck skills, and baseball skills (hit home runs withe zombie heads) At this point you've probably thought, "what the hell! where did all these zombies come from?" Who gives a shit? You shouldn't! All you should worry about is how you're gonna kill 'em!

I did the prep work!

Hooray! You're all set! If you chose to stay home, do remember to be careful when you go out to get food, never let a zombie follow you home! EVER! If a zombie does follow you, pack up and move quickly, for more are sure to come. If you have an extra child or old person to sacrifice, have them stay in the house and attract zombies, and when there are enough in there, light the place up with some good old fire, maybe set off a few fireworks. Then move on to wherever, probably the military "evac station" If you are already headed there, meet up with survivors and I won't bother listing what skills they need (see above section) Stay off the main roads since there will be lots of cars and no one wants to get attacked by a zombie hiding in a car (how shameful, a mindless zombie killed you) Don't go into thick forests, zombies can be hidden in there too. Walk in open places with little cover for zombies to lurk behind. when you need to stop in a market or house, make sure the building is clear before you relax. Take turns doing the night watch. Remember a large group of survivors is stronger, but it attracts more attention then a small group.

The evac station

If it is a legitimate evacuation station, awesome! hooray! safety for awhile! But! If it was a trap like most will be, and the army is just gunning down everything walking towards them, then you are screwed. Although, it could be a 28 day/weeks later holdout, where the army isn't evacuating but holding an area until the zombies are gone, or until they die. If there, please don't go into the room with the zombie lady, and if you see a zombie chained to the ground, shoot it!

Types of zombies

Older: Slow moving and shuffling, go for the head, or just beat it to death, they work best in large groups, and they moan giving away their locations and warning of approach, it is debated whether or not this moan can attract other zombies

Modern: Fast paced, full on sprinting sometimes, the zombies will ruin your day. They work great in groups but can be just as bad alone. Definitely go for the heads on these guys. Melee weapons work well, seeing as you can wack them as they run at you.

Special infected (as seen in left for dead and left for dead 2): Nasty infected, they won't eat you,but they will maul your body with whatever ability they have. So far the list is, Smoker (long tongue can wrap around you and drag you away) Boomer (they puke on you, and that attracts other zombies) Hunter (athletic, capable of flying leaps, and when it pins you it will rip you apart) Witch (aka bitch, she just wants to cry in peace and anyone who startles her will feel her wrath) Tank (huge behemoth, just pummels you with its massive fists, and it has armor like skin) Jockey (jumps on your head and influences where you move, you can resist) Spitter (ugly, UUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYY, spits an acid at you, and when it dies it creates a pool of acid) charger (smaller version of tank, one huge arm, charges you then grabs you with its massive arm and repeatedly slams you to the ground)

fresh: recently deceased, decay hasn't set in so they'll be around for a long time, easier to slice apart

long dead: died long, long ago, will stay around for awhile but has advanced decay, harder to slice apart

preserved bodies:fall apart easily, decay takes longer, slices apart easily

animal: they are the same as the animal they once were, except they are zombies now

marvel super heroes: these are marvel super heroes, who are zombies, so... super powered zombies...dear god

How to become a brain loving, undead, sum of a bitch

This is harder then you may think. If you weren't initially infected, then you have a bit of work to do. First, we all know you need to get bitten, or get some of their fluids in you. Yet, if you try and let a zombie bite you, that means you have ti get close to it, and once you're close enough for it to bite you, it will probably mutilate your body instead of taking one bite. It's like pringles, you can't take just one bite. The most efficient way would be exchanging fluids. If you have a needle, you should kill a zombie, quickly draw some blood, and inject yourself. But, we all know becoming a zombie is for quitters.

Defending the homestead

One critical part of zombie survival is your fortress. The bunker where you will hold out the undead invasion. You want to be in a remote location far away from the rest of society. If your house is elevated, even better! If you have access to an electric fence, some large spikes, bear traps, or auto targeting turrets use them! Make pitfall traps all across your yard, and fill the bottom with spikes, and meat, so the zombies are attracted to it. Set up a turret on you balcony, or just lay down trip mines and watch the fireworks. Make sure you have a long range weapon, as you will probably be shooting zombies from a distance.

Survivors, who is a bad idea and who is not

Crucial part of every zombie survival plan, the survivors you team up with can determine whether or not you survive. Lets meet our contestants:

old people: you don't want really old people, but you want like old enough that they aren't fully capable of defending themselves but are able to partially take care of themselves. Remember, they aren't crucial members, they are zombie bait.

small children: as long as they are trusting enough to follow your instructions they can come. Zombie bait.

gamers: no to the gamers who played WoW, yes to gamers who played shooters and who have great reaction times. They aren't crucial though, and can be used as bait if need be. And c'mon, who doesn't need bait?

idiots: no, its up to you who are idiots and who aren't.

hot girls: yes

batshit crazy people: it depends, some batshit crazy people are amazing killers

murderers: yes, so long as they know they aren't to murder you.

office workers: so long as their black, is that racist? Nah.... nah its.... *sigh*... its cool

milk man: hell yes, calcium shall be needed to keep your strong bones!!!

ice cream man: just to be safe no, ice cream men fall in one of three territories: Rapist/Murderer, Porno star (slightly better than rapist), Popsicle Pete

cowboy: yes, how the fuck did you find a cowboy?

samurai: 1. Why the hell are you in a country that has samurai? 2. YES!!! Samurai are bad ass

pirate: yes, no fuckin' questions

ninja: same as above

pokemon trainers: well, if pokemon were real, rock that shit, rock it back and forth, cradle it, then...well if you don't know the last part you should just become a zombie

You are tired of these mother fuckin' zombies on this mother fuckin' planet

Where the fuck did they come from? Who fucking knows? Maybe awesome dancing revived them. Maybe a prion disease? I don't fuckin' care! Long as there are zombies to kill, you have a reason to live!!!

The killin is good

The Killin' is good