Leonardo Da Vinci

When Da Vinci died, we should have just retired the concept of "genius" like it was a great athlete's jersey. Instead, we did this ...

He also was the first practioner of reptilian martial arts

Just The Facts

  1. Leonardo was a genius. Like pants shitting holy terror of Jesus genius.
  2. He designed and built several useful inventions we still use today, like the only machine that can accurately measure the strength of Chuck Norris's nut hairs.
  3. He was left-handed and a vegetarian, proving once and for all that meat eating righties are indeed a bunch of bitches.


Widely known for his artwork, Leonardo painted images so graceful and enduring it makes anyone else look like fucking finger paints. His works include the insanely famous Mona Lisa:

Painted moments before Leo tapped that ass

And the Dan Brown boner-inducing Last Supper:

Made under the working title "The Bitchin' Family Dinner (ft. Jesus)"

His artwork was highly praised during his time, garnering commissions from several of Italy's high rollers like Lorenzo de Medici (who was essentially the Don of Florence), Ludovico il Moro of Milan and several other important families and figures. He even got in good with Isabella d'Este of Rome, who was the Oprah/Lady Gaga of the Renaissance. With his neigh untouchable status with the powerful, way of speaking to the ladies and ability to rake in the cash, Leonardo could be considered the worlds first P-I-M-P.

Come to think of it, he might have also established the dress code.

Leonardo also had a bit of a rivalry with fellow artist Michelangelo. While Mikey was a brilliant artist in his own right, he was a good 20 years younger than Leonardo and to fair, was kind of a prick. Leonardo was even considered for making the famous David statue before Michelangelo swept the commission out from under him. Their "my dick is bigger than yours" bout led to the two great masters bickering over the smallest of details, from the aspects of their artwork and political ties, to even exchanging words about their families. In a nutshell, Leonardo and Michelangelo were the Renaissance equivalent of Tupac and Biggie Smalls.

Ready to start some hardcore gangsta' shit


L-Do, as the rappers would later dub him, dipped his inhuman brain into other subjects besides art. His tastes included anatomy, where he would acquire the bodies of executed criminals and other dead folk to cut open and examine. He would then take down meticulous notes and detailed drawings.

Leo then used this skull to drink the blood of orphan kittens[citation needed]

Exactly how he got these bodies to study has a bit of controversy attached to it. Until his notes were published years later, no one really knew that Leo was stockpiling corpses like a sort of 14th century Ed Gein. Rumors of graverobbing have been flying around for centuries, but the truth was he was allowed to study the corpses at the hospital in Florence, so he wasn't some kind of Frankenstein-esque madman.

Then again, let's not rule anything out.......

He also designed several mechanical devices years before anyone else thought it up. Several of them were pretty fucking useful, such as new ways to divert rivers and streams for irrigation, an automatic bobbin weaver (think sewing machine), a means to measure tension strength in wires, and new ways to build sturdy bridges. It's even speculated that Leonardo designed the first Wheellock Pistol, the precursor to flintlocks and the first device that allowed a gentleman to politely pop a cap in a perturbed ruffian's ass.

Leo's vision.

But like anyone who's sprung a hard on during Christmas dinner at grandmas, Leonardo could only do so much. Several of his ideas were simply unattainable during his time, either due to technology or practical interest amongst his patrons. Among these badass would-be's were his famous flying machines, a primitive diving suit and a goddamned tank.

A God damned tank!!

Truly ahead of his time, Leonardo thought up several technological advances in both science and warfare hundreds of years before we had any concept of indoor plumbing, let alone something advanced like flight or robotics. Oh yeah, did we mention Leonardo came up with robots?

Cause he totally came up with robots.

Before you steam-punk junkies loose control of your orgasming frames, there was never any evidence that Leonardo actually managed to build the several automatons he designed. Recently, though, a group of scientists, going off of nothing but Leonardo's notes and sketches, attempted to build one of his Knight Robots to see if it worked.

And guess what? It totally did. While it's not an unstoppable juggernaut of metallic death, it still was able to do simple movements like sitting up and move its arms, neck and jaw. Impressive considering it's simply a hodge podge of springs and gears.

Sort of like this, only much less terrifying

Other Stuff

We would like to mention that all of the notes and sketches Leonardo left behind were written mirror style. That is, written backwards, as if viewed from a mirror. Unless it was meant to be read by someone else, Leo wrote everything this way. No one knows why he did this, but legend has it that if you hold some of his notes up to the bathroom mirror and say Leonardo's name three times, Satan will leap out from Hell to tear your soul apart.

We dare ya, mutha fucka.