Psychology is the science and study of the mind and the practice of using thoughts, emotions, and behaviors to blow the minds of everyone around you. It is a top choice for nerds who want to seem smart in order to impress girls, and thus see boobies.

Just The Facts

  1. Psychology can be traced back to philosophy roots, with such classic thinkers as Socrates, Plato, or Dr. Phil.
  2. It was popularized as a science first by Sigmund Freud in the late 1800s in Europe, but came to America when others noticed Freud's rockin' beard.
  3. Learning psychology will make you smarter and more self-aware, but will fuck you over with hatred for your mother.

History of Psychology

Sigmund Freud began his study of the mind, called psychoanalysis, in the year who the fuck cares. Even though he was medical doctor, instead of just prescribing medicine and getting piles of money, he invoked the idea that "this shit is bogus". So, he then started just talking to his patients, making them lay on a couch and "free associate", which is basically talking about whatever the fuck you want. Eventually, he decided that everything we think about is sexual in some way, and that we have always wanted to bang everything in our path, including our own mothers. Freud was said to be so disturbed by his own discovery that he was supposedly celibate for the rest of his life.

You know you wanna tap that.

You know you wanna tap that.

Furthermore, he was the first to decide that dreams were more than just nonsense about unicorns and Natalie Portman, but actually had meaning. He decided that essentially everything in our dreams was cock-related. Airplanes were cocks, buildings were cocks, and Natalie Portman...well maybe not everything.

While this is certainly a horrible way to think about life , Freud decided to take it one step further. See, in his day, there were no such things as narcotics, and you certainly didn't get arrested for dealing, smoking, snorting, injecting, or licking. Ok, well maybe licking. Anyway, Freud knew that his shit was bananas, so instead of just telling people, "Hey it'll be alright, buddy," he said, "fuck it" and prescribed cocaine to all of his patients. Remember back in the day when you heard that rumor that Coca-cola was named so because of cocaine? Well, let's just say that Freud LOVED his carbonated soft drinks.

Santa is totes trippin' balls, bro.


Excuse me, author dickhead person, what is that jumble of letters above this snarky question? That my good sir is the abbreviation for the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, Text Revision. See little Johnny, isn't it better to just abbreviate the hell out of things you don't understand, just so they're more mind-boggling?

The DSM-IV-TR is basically a handbook for psychologists to use with a list of all the things that can screw you up mentally. It was created by the American Psychiatric Association way back in the day, and is updated every few years with more shit or shit that's changed. For instance, remember Multiple Personality Disorder, which leads to all kinds of shenanigans for the sufferer? Well, they decided that the name was too obvious for the layman, so they psychologized (<--copyright please?) it and changed the name to Dissociative Identity Disorder, or DID. As in, DID I just kill this hooker and rape her knife wound? WTF!

"I was a total gentleman! I didn't even kiss her on the mouth."

Psychological Testing

Other tools for many practicing psychologists are tests for different aspects of the human mind, like intelligence, personality, and what your cock size says about you. There are a number of different tests out there to measure if someone is depressed, if a child is a rotten little bastard, and those that predict whether a person will choke the living hell out of his grandma. While these are all interesting and insightful, most of society finds a bigger interest in those that don't tell anything whatsoever. The most popular is the Rorshach Inkblot Test, which gives the chance for the patient to just make shit up. Whatever shit that person makes up, the Rorshach shows....oh wait. It doesn't do anything after that. The original Rorshach was a psychologist that figured he'd make an art project using ink and such, but didn't assign meaning to any of the blots. It took another guy, 30 years later, named Exner, to actually come up with what that shit should mean. His scoring guide is the standard for use with the Rorshach test today. Based on what a person says the ink blot is, which it normally just looks like a butterfly or a herpes-ridden vagina, the psychologist is supposed to be able to better understand the unconscious of the patient.

While in prison, Rorshach had many requests to have sex with his face. This has nothing to do with the inkblot.

People Who Study Psychology Today

While there are many professions that result from studying psychology, such as psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, teachers, human resource professionals, and the occasional fucker of a salesman, there is much one has to go through in order to practice psychology.

"Do you want to fuck your mom? No, well, would you like to buy a vacuum cleaner?"

A student of psychology can receive a bachelor's, and then a master's or doctorate in a variety of areas. Most popular is the clinical psychology tract, so you can become a professional mind-fucker. In the process of doing so, many students receive a mind-fuck of their own. Sort of like learning to use a taser. Students will oftentimes internalize the disorders that they are studying, meaning someone studying anxiety will become anxious also. Someone studying bat-shit craziness will get the idea.

To combat this, many psychology programs will ask that the students receive counseling themselves, and self-awareness is a basic concept that is used for many assignments. Once they receive their education, many of those studying psychology go on to lead happy, successfu......aah, who are we kiddin'? You aren't gonna make any money with a psychology degree! Go find a deep-rooted interest in computers and be rich. You might even get to touch boobies.

Choose your destiny...