Church Of Satan Website

The Church of Satan website exists to educate the jeering masses on what the Church of Satan really is instead of leaving it to their flaccid imaginations. Because they are mediocre Jesus-Fuckers. Or Scientologists.

Roman Castavet. Man of the world and a proud member of the Church...in the Congregation's wet dreams...okay...and mine.

Just The Facts

  1. The Church of Satan website is the gateway to joining the Church of Satan. A totally useless venture.
  2. It is a culling of Satanic Sources and information, in case you do not want to spend money on any of their literature until you KNOW what shit they are peddling.
  3. They have a news site. In case you want to keep up to date on the Satanic Current Events and you do not get FoxNews. Then again, why not get Satan's itenerary straight from his mouth?
  4. Along with the Church, it is seemingly run by High Priest Peter Gilmore, High Priestess Peggy Nadramia, and Magistra Templi Rex Blanche Barton.

Year One...

The website for the most controversial religion in the world (next to Scientology) is there to be used by members to affirm what they already know. Also, to take $200 for rights to friendly networking with people that do not even have to acknowledge you exist. So what is the philosophical point? To prove that you are committed to not joining. It is like the Apathetic Party without the politics as "Satanists are impossible to compartmentalize" as far as secondary affiliations are concerned (though illegal activity is not tolerated, neither is basic dickery).

The un-religion of Satanism is one of the most genius things ever to be organized but, the people are genuinely individuals. This means that the idea of there being a Satanic community is totally impossible. Some people might consider joining a waste of money and a pointless venture to get together with like-minded individuals. The staff of the Website agree that this is a completely valid perspective for a Satanist to have and say that it is not necessary to join in order to be a Satanist. In fact, they also think that many people who do not define themselves as Satanists are just in denial. However, proselytizing is a sin in their un-religion. And no, that last part is not an insult, the new High Priest defines Satanism as such in his many writings.

The perks are a complete history of the Church, a news page, access to official interviews, sources for Satanic accomodations and links to websites of members who are artists of some sort or just normal jack-offs with a website account. There is also their very own version of MySpace called Undercroft, though it is not available directly through the site. What is directly available is the Youth Communique. This allows healthy direction for youngsters who are Satanists and gives them a clear idea of what Satanism really is so as to not leave it up to their generally stupid, hormone driven leaps of logic. You know, because they are children. Active involvement with the Church or membership in general is not allowed for minors.

The Satanist Proper

You are not able to become a Satanist. You are born one. If you do not grasp Satanism as a way of thinking but instead force it upon yourself, you are doomed to failure. Jesus. Who would have thought that salvation by the one true religion would be such an elitist bitch. Oh well, it isn't as though you didn't always know that God hated you. Or is it Satan? Nope " To the Satanist, God-by whatever name he is called or by no name at all- is seen as the balancing factor in Nature and not as being concerned with suffering." -Anton Szandor LaVey: The Satanic Bible.

The balancing factor in Nature? Bullshit. It is clearly stated that Satanists believe in God " It is a common misconception that the Satanist does not believe in God." implying that they do. That was taken from the same page as the previous quote. The start of the essay "Wanted: God-Dead or Alive". So, they believe in God, they call it Nature's balance, and they know everything (obviously) so not only do they relize that God allows Nature to go ape-shit on you every damn day they also realize that there is no balance. So either Nature is God or he is ignoring your pleas for help as either the weather or a wild animal rips you asunder and ass-rapes you. Hell, disease is a part of Nature too. These people are in league with a Nemesis that puts Cthulhu to shame. And this creature obviously hates you because these damn Satanists (who are also self-proclaimed Atheists. I would be too) who see Satan as a damn good entity to base themselves off of are doing well for themselves. Only a few are actually famous but many rub elbows with the famous. And with or without that, they produce music, goods, books and magazines that are successful. What do these fuckers have that we don't? Black Magic. And I am not just talking about Wesley Snipes pulling off his role as Noxeema (yes...fucking Noxeema...) in "To Wong Foo, thanks for everything: Julie Newmar". No, I am talking about calling the dark forces and getting shit done.

If you are to listen to the "Cops for Christ", and you should, because they are for Christ! Who can you trust and depend on more than a political upstart who promotes "free forums of communion" or some detestable nonsense, who also gives up and allows himself to die when the going gets tough at the last minute? Anyway, if you were to listen to them, these Satanists can teleport themselves and evidence of crimes that were totally committed for.....really big important......baby killing and......rape of really unattractive chicks like Michelle Smith Pazder. Because, you know, to spread the power of evil to dominate the world or to just plain get things done you have to ritualistically abuse someone sexually. Or else you are the one who gets fucked. By getting nowhere fast.

Then there is always Minney and Roman Castevet (you should always remember Roman because his name is an annagram of Steven Marcato) who are basically the old-fart representatives of modern Satanism. Peggy Nadramia (master mixer) has even made a recipe for the "Vodka Blush" drink in the film Rosemary's Baby. There will always be a love affair between the Church of Satan and Rosemary's Baby because many of the overall perspectives of the more likeable Satanists from that movie are held by the Church Members. For instance, they see their youths as the propagation of their way of life, whether the children embrrace that or not. Even if a child of a Satanist decides to be a Christian (or worse, a Wiccan) the fact that the Satanist allowed their child to seek their own path and to take up a state of mind that makes them responsible for themselves at all times, they did their jobs. Funny. America's evil little secret make better parents than yours ever did. Yeah. God hates you.