UNDER CONSTRUCTION Mullets - business in the front, party in the back, douchebag all around.
Many, many years ago, before the internet was plagued with the offspring of Rick Astley and Pedobear, even before Jesus knocked out Megatron to claim the title of Heavyweight Champion of the World, there was the mullet. Don't believe us? Check this out.
Behold the ancient origins of the mullet in all its awe-inspiring glory. Nah, we're just kidding, there's nothing awe-inspiring about mullets. But it is a fact that the ancient Egyptians were the first to pull off the mullet. You can see the short hair in the front, the lack of sideburns, and monstrous block of hair in the back. So the next time you watch a hockey game and wonder who the fuck came up with a hairstyle that could make these guys look even more inbred, you know who to thank.
FUCK YOU RAMSES!
The glory days of the mullet are long gone, but even now, there are those - perhaps gaining courage from our new health care plan - that dare to wear the mullet, in spite of the numerous threats they receive (mostly from Cracked). Here are some groups that you can find wearing mullets today:
Blue-Collars: Because there's no clearer way to illustrate your lack of a high-school education.
Metal Heads: Why flip all that extra hair around at the concert when only the people behind you could ever get hit by it?
Image by mulletsgalore.com
Lesbians: What's more butch than a haircut that causes all straight women to shriek in disgust?
So after all you've seen, after all we've warned you about, you still wish to adopt the mighty mullet? Very well, we can't make your desicions for you - we can only put "Kick Me" signs on your back and assault your Facebook with Farmville updates in retaliation. But now a massive choice awaits you. Who shall you base your carpet on? Well, here's a list of famous wearers that might give you some inspiration.
Captain Planet: Kicking ass while simultaneously teaching kids the value of recycling, this is the only guy who could ever pull off a green mullet - and it makes perfect sense therefore that he was completely fictional. No one could ever pull off a green mullet.
Chuck Norris: Our physicians advised we not badmouth this, lest we wish to make a charitable donation of all our teeth to the Chuck Norris Collection Fist.
Not only can he pull off this hair, he can also pull off your hair, leaving you looking like a Benedictine monk.
Billy Ray Cyrus: Pioneering the iconic '80s style way back in 1992, this man transformed the wearing of mullets into something of an art. If anyone even remotely talented or cool had worn this, we would probably all be wearing mullets this very moment. Thankfully, it was only Billy Ray.
More to come...