Afros

Since before history was recorded (1974), the afro has served as the glue that holds the fabrics of our society together. (Glue is what holds fabric together, right?)

The irresistable effects of Jewfro as demonstrated by Aaron Merke.

Photo courtesy of AfroCon 2008

White folk picked up and carried the afro in a very 'interesting' direction.

Just The Facts

  1. It's common knowledge that the afro can grant limitless dignity to anyone willing to embrace it.
  2. The afro is the Swiss Army Knife of hairstyles-- seconding as a helmet, storage recepticle, or even cheap tinder in a life threatening scenario.
  3. 74% of all house fires between 1978 and 1983 were traced to excessive use of Afro Sheen.

Origins

It's a common misconception that the style and name of this revolutionary hairdo is somehow related to African roots. Don't be too hard on yourself if you also made this mistake, you simply fall into a category with everyone else who frequents CRACKED.com:

Racists.

Racists.

The afro was actually first grown and perfected by a young British nobleman, Grover Pemberton Afrodinus IV, in the late 1800's. As often is the case with revolutionary geniuses, Grover was ostracized and soon marked an outlaw for his radical new style. Exiled to the United States by his father in 1894, Grover packed up his favorite ivory-crafted blackpower fan picks and only the finest of afro tonic before embarking across the Atlantic. With the exception of a few photographs that turned up in the 1940's, he was never heard from again.

Grover Pemberton Afrodinus IV.

G. Pemberton Afrodinus IV, the later years.

The afro wasn't destined to make another immergence until 1960's America. Our great nation was in the throes of the epic battle for racial equality and unprejudiced opportunities for one and all, because of this it's no big surprise that the afro slipped in the back door with little attention. Like a mid-summer's yard full of dandelions gone to seed, beautiful afro-laden heads began popping up throughout America's mid-west. Unbeknownst to most, the age of the afro was upon us.

The Afro: Does it Grant Super Powers?

A resounding no.

Peacock 'Fro

NOT peacocking.

Good things come with time. Afros take a very long time to grow and cultivate, for this reason they are considered a prestigious badge of honor for those who wear them in most cultures (and possibly even a delicacy in many third world countries.) If you've ever had a problem getting laid, the afro may possibly be just the skeleton key you need to unlock those panties. Below I have introduced the beta version of an application I created to add further weight to my argument that girls view afros as a dignifying addition to any man. Enjoy, it was a lot of hard work to create on my end.

Research and Technology

During the 1990's the afro disappeared almost completely from the headlines. This is probably credited to the general difficulty in upkeep coupled with the lack of scientific advances in haircare for this particular 'do. For too long the only weapon to combat the sheer power of the afro's awesomeness was the blackpower pick. While a good pick could keep any single hairdo under control for a few years, it simply was not powerful enough to tame the afro. Just now we are beginning to understand the true power of the sleeping giant and many more steps need to be made before we can finally wear the afro comfortably.

Until then, Boots will keep up the struggle.

This is all for now, faithful readers, but please remember that if you ever have any questions on how you would look with an afro then please use my system, it has a 100% success rate.

Damn I'm good.