Deadly Australian Animals

Australia is so goddamn packed with poisonous horrors that it's actually easier to tell you which parts of the continent are safe.

On 142 Beach Road, under the spiderless tree.  DO NOT ENTER THE BUILDINGS.

If you already live in Australia, there is a good chance you are dead.  This picture will help sane people live a long and poison-free life.

Just The Facts

  1. Some Australian Spiders are huge enough to shrug off a bullet.
  2. The Great Barrier Reef contains more digested surfer remains than anywhere else in the world.
  3. For every 619 vicious animal killers, there is one Australian who will claim, "Oh, relax! He's not gonna hurtcha!" They are lying.


There may actually be animals in Australia that aren't deadly, just like it's possible there are skinheads that aren't violent homophobes. We're just saying that trying to give either group an intimate oil rub is not the best way to find out.

Since many of Australia's deadliest animals, such as the Stonefish, Blue-Ringed Octopus, and Saltwater Crocodile are already ably chronicled on, this article will focus on their weapons of choice, starting with...


Australia is home to many of the most poisonous creatures on the planet. Leading theories on the subject attribute this to:

  • An evolutionary arms race. Otherwise known as a venemous pissing contest, no species want to be the one with the "sissy poison that hardly makes you go blind at all".
  • Self defense: Since the arrival of the first European settlers, many species have been shot, hunted or worn into extinction. Faced with this type of threat, you'd work on stronger venom and hide in shoes too.
  • The justice of a vengeful God. Something about all those friendly people and architectual wonders just pisses Him right the hell off. Remember, this is the same guy that gave other Australian animals...


There are over 160 species of sharks in Australia's waters. We could use this section to tell you about the lesser known but dangerous Bull and Tiger shark species. But come on.

Yes, the Great White is found along much of the coast. Enjoy these pants-shitting facts:

  • They can live to over a hundred, and they remember prey. So, if you ever have a near miss with a Great White, you can bet it's out there somewhere, waiting for you to get sloppy.
  • Let Marine Biologists sneer, but these death machines DO attack boats on purpose. Possibly for fun.
  • Besides their legendary sense of smell, the White Death also is able detect faint electrical currents, such as that within the racing human heart. Scientists are unable to determine if this is a superpower or not.

Sharks are scary, true. They're also obvious. The terrifying secret of Australian wildlife is that danger often comes from the place you least expect. From a place of...

Pure Hate

What do you hate? Traffic? Physicals? Sure you do. But that hatred is a small, pitiful thing next to the batshit, boiling rage that fills a magpie's tiny brain every time a bicyclist rides past.

A magpie is a small, rather pretty bird with an adorable, germ-infested, razor-sharp beak. When they hear the sweet chime of a bicycle bell, they automatically assume that the fucker is there to steal their eggs, and shoot like a feathered bullet towards the nearest bicycle helmet. If they succeed in knocking down their prey, they have been known to land on its chest and go for the eyes.

In conclusion, the only animals in the death-continent of Australia that don't want to kill you are the Australian humans who like to watch foreigners get stuck, bitten and poisoned because it's hilarious. Don't play into their hands. Stay home, out of the daylight. Play a video game or something. You're looking way too tan these days. And it's not like it's legal to play video games in Australia anyway.