Australian Outback

The Australian Outback is the part of Australia where not many people live. The outback has heat and kangaroos. Also the outback has beer and empty beer cans.

You wont meet anyone in the Australian Outback like this.

You wanna get out of here? You talk to me.

Just The Facts

  1. The Australian outback is hot, bloody hot, mate. ....and dry too, except for the soon to be empty beer cans.
  2. 9 out of 10 of the worlds deadliest snakes live there. Actually it's easier to say 9 out of 9 of the world's deadliest snakes live there.
  3. If you visit the outback you are unlikely to see another human being, except for film crews shooting sequels to Mad Max:The Road Warrior and Priscilla:Queen of the Desert.

Where is the Outback?

The Australian Outback is the part of Australia where nobody lives. You can find it on the piece of land between the Pacific and Indian Oceans.

The outback highways (all two of them - the north-south one, and the east-west one) are littered with empty beer cans. In a million years archeologists will learn a lot from these fossilized beer cans. They will learn that the outback was hot, and that there was a lot of beer.

You'll know you're in the outback when the empty beer cans on the side of the highway reaches 3CPF. (Three Cans Per Foot).

Who lives in the Australian Outback?

Most of the Australian population live on the south east coasts. Only American military personnel, Hollywood film crews and the occasional cattle drover live in the Australian outback. There are however plenty of kangaroos. So many kangaroos in fact, that many government jobs are filled by these adept marsupials. The kangaroo's pouch is quite handy for filing memos and storing office supplies. Many judicial appointments in the outback are filled by kangaroos. That's where the expression 'Kangaroo Court' comes from. Don't piss them off though, or they'll get hopping mad. Sorry about that.

Things to do in the Australian Outback

There are four things to do in the Australian Outback:

1. Drive until you reach a semblance of civilisation.

2. Drink beer during aforesaid journey to make it more tolerable.

3. Remove sand from crotch and eyes at the end of aforesaid journey.

4. Make friends with the locals (beware of local kangaroos, they don't like visitors). Also beware of guys in leather outfits riding hottted up vehicles, with flame throwers.

Things NOT to do in the Australian Outback (especially if you're a tourist)

1. Never walk into an outback pub (bar) and ask for a cafe latte (regardless of whether you're Australian or not). Those looks of derision and the subsequent sarcasm can be devastating. Also, never (regardless of your race) proclaim, "Hey, where the white women at?". Actually, in retrospect this advice applies to every pub in the world. If you do this you'd better prey someone in the bar has seen Blazing Saddles and gets the joke.

2. Try not to get picked up hitch-hiking and taken to a secluded national park to be murdered with a combination of blunt trauma and stab wounds. I know, easier said than done, but there have been plenty of tourists who have reached their demise by not following this advice. And their demise had nothing to do with leather-clad bikers with flame throwers.

3. NEVER, EVER pet a kangaroo, thinking it is cute. These mo-fos can hurt you, if not kill you. They're a bit like the T-Rex, small feeble forearms, but the hind legs will fuck you up.

4. If you're from the USA, never mention to a local that there are huge cattle ranches in Texas. In Australia there are cattle ranches (or stations as they are called) that are bigger than Texas. No shit, we wouldn't lie to you, not at

Now if you'll excuse us we just have to go to the front gate and collect the mail. We'll see you in four days.