The Fourth Kind

Getting abducted by extra-terrestrials seems to be a serious thing in modern times. Here is a brief summary of the different types of UFO interactions.

Don't follow it, it won't take you to Dairy Queen.

Always be prepared.  This thing may just save your life.

Just The Facts

  1. There are seven different "kinds" of encounters.
  2. The fourth kind is actual abduction, which from most accounts tends to suck.
  3. Aliens have an unhealthy obsession with our asses.

What the Fourth Kind is all about.

So there's apparently several "kinds" of interactions with extra-terrestrials, the different levels varying in intensity of the interaction. According to wikipedia, the first kind is a UFO sighting. So if I stand out in my front yard and I see something that can't be described through normal reasonable or scientific means I've had an encounter of the first kind. But what do I call it if my neighbor's wife decides to walk around the house naked with the drapes open? I guess that would all count on how much I enjoyed it. It would be a close encounter of the awesome kind if she's hot! But it would be a close encounter of the BLAH kind if I becamed frightened and soiled myself.

Now the next kind is you guessed it, the second kind! This involves damage to the terrain or landscape such as the crazy crop circles we hear about every several months (or once a week if you live in the U.K.), also burn marks or something similar in the grass or dirt. Now here's what I found interesting, another side effect of having a close encounter of the second kind is paralysis. So again if my neighbor's wife is walking around naked and I just happen to be looking in their windows at that time, there can conceiveably be two types of paralysis here. One if I can't move because I really like what I see, and another where I'm horribly frightened and grossed out but can't move because the synapses that control my self-defense mechanisms have been temporarily singed to the point that I physically have to be carried away by my wife. At which point I have an extremely close encounter with a punch in my face. Oh, and another form of evidence for this can be frightened animals. That can be kind of vague, to me anyway. For example after I came out of the shower the other day I bent over in front of the dog to dry off my legs and gave him a view he was not expecting. He ran under the bed and we had to coax him out with a bag of snausages. Apparently I gave him a close encounter of the second kind that he'll not soon forget.

Next is the third kind. Again according to Wikipedia this means animate beings have been observed in association with the sighting. So if a UFO flies over my house and one of little gray men with the big black eyes opens the window and gives me the finger I've just had my third kind close encounter. This means I can give him an encounter back by mooning him on the roof of my house. Crude, but effective. No one in my neighborhood gives me the finger anymore so I know it works!

Now after this it starts to get really scary. The fourth kind involves actual abduction. This means them either grabbing you out of a cornfield or dragging you out of your bedroom in the middle of the night, or something similar . This is where it starts to suck. At least before it was just a story to tell about something you saw. Now it'll be about something you saw and something they possibly did to you. Do you ever wonder why people keep saying shit about anal probes? With so many people talking about it, you have to start thinking that it might be true. They even made a movie about this type of encounter. It was quite recent and oddly enough it was titled The Fourth Kind. Go figure! In this movie Milla Jovovich is a Psychiatrist in Alaska who is seeing some patients that can't sleep so she tries hypnotherapy to get to the bottom of their problems. Here's an example of one of her sessions from the facebook page for the movie:!/video/video.php?v=167998257091

They start floating around the room screaming in Sumerian, spazzing out and kicking the shit out of her office, all of which she finds fascinating. So she keeps putting these people under until one of them is paralyzed and another one has commited suicide which just increases her resolve to find out what is going on. At this point I would have left town. But she's curious so she keeps digging. Now she's attracted their attention and they start abducting her by waking her up in the middle of the night and dragging her out of her house into the ship to do whatever they do up there. Now there are a bunch of people missing supposedly because aliens abducted them. This may be old hat to these guys but I'll tell you what they'd better not try that shit in Louisiana. These people hunt crocodiles for fun, I doubt they'll be scared by E.T. coming into their bedroom! These aliens are in for one hell of a shock when one of them comes walking into the house to find a bunch of hungry rednecks coming at them with ropes and shotguns. E.T. phone HOLY SHIT! If you do manage to get abducted don't be surprised to see missing posters with pictures of the latest missing gray stating that the last place he was seen was near the Atchafalaya swamp.

Now in wikipedia there are also fifth, sixth and seventh kinds of encounters. The fifth means they've established a dialogue with humans and keep in regular contact with them, kind of like intergalactic pen pals, except with anal probes. The sixth means they've killed someone, kind of like in the movie Independence Day, or just did a drive by in south central. Thank God I don't live there. I mean the residents there have enough to worry about, with all of the gang violence and whatnot, but now to get shot in the ass with a laser pistol, that's just not cool! At last the seventh kind describes basically a "mating" between a human and an E.T., resulting in a very strange looking love child. Now this I can see being a welcome occurence in Louisiana, as well as many other places in the Southeast. Hell, at my last visit to the Georgia state fair I saw several possible examples of "interspecies mixing". Forget about it in Texas or Arizona, though. If they try that "interbreeding" shit there they're going to get their asses blown clean off. All survivors will be sent back to Mexico, regardless of their actual origins. Texas and Arizona don't play around!

So here are some tips on what to do to avoid abduction, and what to do in case you can't:

1. If some strange looking guy in a trenchcoat with pasty skin and huge black eyes asks if he can come in to use your phone, politely tell him no, run to the bathroom and start a bath. Jump in as quick as possible. Apparently aliens don't like water, or at least that's what the movie Signs will have us believe. It's a good tip, and if it doesn't work at least you got a bath before they took you up to the mothership.

2. ALWAYS BE PREPARED. Carry a large vibrating dildo around at all times. The next time E.T. takes you up the the ship to be anally probed, whip out your vibrator and shout "Nuh uh, you first baby!!" Chase him around until they send you back home, or until you're finished if you're into that sort of thing. It's not my place to judge.

3. Learn to speak Sumerian. That way if some of them are whispering to each other while sneaking up on you, you may have more time to react. It's also a great talent to list on a resume.

4. Stay away from Nome, Alaska! In the movie The Fourth Kind they state that Nome has more sightings and abductions than any other place on the globe. Let's go freak out the humans is their version of a sandbox game.

5. Don't get caught looking in your neighbor's bedroom when his wife is naked. He'll get pissed and call the cops and your wife won't bail you out of jail. Learn from your mistakes and get some night vision goggles, that way they won't see your bedroom lights on when you spy.

So now you have it, a Cracked explanation of what being abducted by aliens is all about. Just remember, if you see an owl outside your window keeping you up at night, call Billy the exterminator. He'll humanely relocate it to it's natural habitat, which if it's actually an E.T. will mean throwing it in a cage and shooting it out of a cannon at the next passing UFO. Sleep tight.