UFO Hot Spots

Have you seen something in the sky you could not explain? Certain areas are known "hot spots" for UFOs. The following flowchart can help you identify the unknown object.

Just The Facts

  1. Intelligent beings possessing interstellar travel are visiting our planet on an almost daily basis, our government knows it and is covering it up with transparent lies.
  2. Certain areas of the planet hold extra attraction for aliens; these include military bases, volcanoes, and remote desert areas. Our government knows this and is covering it up with transparent lies.
  3. A "fact" is something I just know in my heart to be true.

Make Your Town a UFO Hotspot

The days when a photograph or video could be seriously offered as evidence of alien visitation ended when software like Photoshop was developed, allowing any idiot with a computer to create realistic hoax images. For instance, it took me about 10 seconds to produce this:

Note the exceptionally clever use of a vegetable steamer. And that's Mt. Shasta, a known UFO hotspot, in the background, lending further credence to the incredible illusion.

Not too many years ago, such a realistic, convincing image would have landed me a lucrative book deal and some appearances on national television. Now, anyone over the age of four will zoom in and start comparing pixel sizes before you can say "J. Allen Hynek."

No, to pull this off you are going to need to create an actual UFO. And you're going to need to do better than the old candle/plastic bag hot air balloon. (Note: some friends and I tried this once back in the 1970's; we built a base out of balsa wood, attached a bag and some candles and lit them. Unfortunately, it failed to lift off until the entire base caught fire, at which point it leaped into the air and flew over the house before Hindenburging in the neighbor's yard across the street. Oh, the humanity. No charges were filed.)

This guy has some ideas:

And these guys know their shit because they've been there. They've made contact with the occupants of bell-shaped craft! How exciting would that be if it wasn't, you know, made up shit?

http://www.ufoevidence.org/documents/doc1784.htm

And there are many more terrific ideas on the Interwebs. Just google "gullible fucktards."

Once you get your baby into the air and the crowd begins to gather, you'll want to run around behind them and act amazed. Try a few lines like "Oh, my God, what is it? It can't be an airplane...it must be a spacecraft! What else could it be?" This will get everyone's adrenaline pumping, which is known to interfere with those critical thinking skills that you'd rather they didn't use right now.

Just be sure to elaborate on various things that it can't be, and rely on people's natural inability to comprehend false dichotomies. Your little town will be on the hotspot map in no time, and your gift shop that sells those green bug-eyed bobbleheads will be raking in the dough like you never thought possible. And then, finally, you can move out of your mom's basement.