A cultural insight on Bulgaria's music for the mass...MASSIVE FAKE BREASTS!!!
I want to make something very clear. Most of you, my fellow compatriots, have let the media deceive you YET AGAIN. Cracked.com is a comedy site! This is a humourous page, written by a bulgarian, with humorous content that, like everything else on this site, isn't meant to be taken seriously AT ALL. This page offers a decidedly ironic/sarcastic outlook on a Bulgarian cultural phenomenon.
Bulgarian and Balkan culture are very diverse and colorful! I implore you to explore them when you have the chance. There are many great things to them, just as there are questionable, or just plain bad. If you can't take a joke, you aren't qualified for life.
Thank you for your interest and have a nice, chalga-free day!
After getting some feedback on the article, it occured to me that you, the rest of the world people, don't exactly get a clear idea of what this insanity from Bulgaria called chalga really is. Well, let me show you the ropes. Simply put, chalga music is the cancer of Bulgarian society. It is merely a reflection, a soundtrack to what our values became after 500 years of Ottoman rule and 40-something years of decay spent in the cultural chasm of the Iron Curtain. Chalga music promotes distasteful, cheap, sleazy fun and glorifies a luxorious lifestyle which some may consider "having the time of your life", but is in reality a preposterous display of dominance through money and wealth. Chalga is nowadays sung either by women that look like failed porn stars, or by men that look incredibly gay - thus it promotes the same look to all its fans, who just happen to be about 70% of Bulgaria's youth.
Ofcourse, this is simply my (very biased) opinion. But you are free to have one of your own.Read through, watch the videos, and the truth will shine like a fresh out of the box tittie implant...
Anyway, Chalga as a form of Bulgarian fine arts originated mainly from our beloved neighbours Turkey, Serbia and Greece. In its humble beginnings in the 80's, chalga existed simply as a rip-off of what was popular among our Greek comrades, other than Gyros that is. It was brought home by this noble man:
Meet the first Bulgarian audio pirate - The Hissar Priest and his mighty Accordion of Doom.
Priest's style of chalga strayed rather far from the "melon-selling" aesthetic of present-day chalga music. Its main characteristic was imposing lyrics such as:
Give your heart to whoever you may want
But the glass of poison, you leave to me
onto greek tunes re-recorded on a cheap tape deck and stripped off their vocals using either ancient black charms or a pair of scissors. To the contrary, chalga isn't the godfather of emo. Instead, it was just a harmless style of music made to accompany the excessive rakia drinking and wife-beating habits of Bulgaria's male demographic. But when the evil commie bastards' reign collapsed in '89 and gave the throne to democracy* (* established by said communists' sons and relatives), things changed. And among all the good things that Bulgaria's brand of democracy brought, such as night clubs full of drunken underage girls, drug dealing, French cars, bankruptcy and *gasp* Ursula:
"Hi, handsome! My name is Borislav, but my friends call me Ursula. Wanna' do some coke?"
rose the star of these noble men:
This is madness! No, this is Mutri.
* To be entirely correct, this picture allegedly depicts gypsy men from Romania. But our mutri look and behave pretty much the same.
Meet the Mutri (mutra - wry face). Balkan-style mobsters, whose power and prowess are mathematically determined by the weight of gold worn around the neck (if one is actually visible), multiplied by the number of dead brain cells. The Mutri helped establish a whole new culture - one that glorified the decadent lifestyle their Miami counterparts lived through (or didn't) and got tired of about a decade ago. And of course, this new culture needed its prophet.
Introducing: Rado the Pinecone
Rado's MySpace profile photo circa '94
Rado became a most popular bard of this new age. He ignited the rise of the "Mutra-folk", a new brand of chalga which featured a more sophisticated approach to melody (old analogue, cheezy-sounding synths were used to rip-off our neighbours, instead of a dusty tape deck's Ctrl-C/Ctrl-V buttons) and emblematic lyrics such as:
Whores, goodbye !
No more jeeps, jets
No more companions, bars
There won't be such wild parties..
or a personal favourite from '93, called "Tigre, tigre" ("Tiger, tiger")
Ooh, tiger, tiger !
Do you have cash ?
If you have cash
(There will be) Dumb women!
If you don't have cash
(There will be) Old grannies!
Come on, wrestlers*, give me cash!
* Professional wrestlers were well known for being hired bodyguards of the Chief Mutri, or being Chief Mutri themselves. In both cases, they were unforgiving.
Around the same time, another song called Radka the Pirate-bomb (sadly not by Rado), held the world record for most children in kindergarten singing it together all day long. Lyrical content was just your usual innocent, happy-kiddie stuff:
Out went Radka, a little Pirate bombshell
To shake around that blonde hair
Just let me get to you, Radke !
I will tear up your jeans !
The mutra-trend that Rado established happily lived on for a few years, and to this day, the man is still rocking the mic like he did in front of well-dressed Bulgarian businessmen wearing extra neck-gold. Somewhere along the way though, emancipation striked our peaceful planet (again), and this reflected on our nr. 1 musical export in such a way that now women could sing about women being whores too!
Video dates from around 1998 and depicts once-famous chalga singer who can't sing for life Katy musically embodying her desires of, well, being a slut. Chorus goes like (in plain English):
I will let you catch me
And I will sin with you
But remember that a butterfly
Will remain in my soul
Butterflies. They wear bright colors, and fly from flower to flower to pollinate. Pollinate. Think you have ever done something that may resemble a butterfly pollinating in some way? Doubt it, we people are so ugly.
Nature's whore on duty.
And this is how the melon-selling aspect of chalga music began to form. But more on that later. Now, the emancipation in chalga softened things up to the point of chalga losing its edge and the shake-yer-booty quality of oriental rhythmics in favor of lame love songs. Chalga needed someone to whip it back into shape, and this someone didn't simply rip it a new one, it became its undisputed Emperor.
All hail Azis, the emperor and empress of Bulgarian chalga music and the most homosexual entity in the entire universe! In this song, he sings about how "he wants it in his hands" while having it going with what appears to be Kratos from God Of War. Overall, the video looks like what may be one of Jabba the Hutt's drug induced nightmares. Hard to believe, but the King is not actually gay. He's just in it for the cash. Some argue he is richer than Metallica.
Just an average hetero-man earnin' his wage.
The flavor of chalga that Azis introduced exploded with the unprecedented gayness of his outrageous videos and lyrical content, brainwashing the Bulgarian youth's mind into accepting that looking like a grotesque pederast is totally cool. And you know what ? It actually was, because ladies that listened to Katy fell for it. Azis single-handedly chopped off Bulgaria's nutsack and made a fortune doing it. For every can of bleach and hair-press that was sold at the market, 50% went straight to his ominous citadel in Liulin, (close to) Sofia.
"I am sorry, mr. Gordon Freeman, but you are not allowed to cross these premises."
As Azis was enjoying his free cocaine while a team of PR agents handled his Brazillian butt, an entepreneur from Bulgaria's Dimitrovgrade devised a plan to overtake the now very promising Bulgarian chalga industry. This is what the plan looked like in its final stage (artist's depiction):
Supported by Peshterska original grape rakia
And the evil mastermind that authored it himself, moments before taking control of humanity:
Obey your new overlord, people of the Earth! His name is Mitko Dimitrov - Paynera, head-honcho of main chalga label Payner Music and the most successful businessman in Bulgaria, in addition to being the prime investor in our nation's plastic surgery clinics. By implementing his vile, expensive on silicone and bleach plan, he tossed chalga as we know it down the drain and resurrected that shit under the name Bulgarian Pop-Folk, a.k.a. melon selling music.
To be entirely correct, they are selling mastica, but who cares about that foul chemical poison when here be such huge melons?!
Photographic evidence of Mytio's plan in action:
If the brunette was dyed blonde, would there be any difference? No? Who cares - melons!
And an example of actual pop folk music and it's style:
Seriously, Brazzers should look into this.
This, my dear friends from around the globe, is what educates 70% of Bulgarian teens on how to look and behave, forges their ideals, gives their life a reason... and makes for one nasty mastica drinking habit.
For a Bulgarian girl aged 14-18 to be accepted by her peers and seduced with cheap vodka from the rich fat businessmen (an akcnowledgment of social prowess) that lurk the disco looking to score five of them at once, she must become what has been known as the "strong bat" (bat as in "carpet beater"), or a "yaka tupalka" in Bulgarish thanks to a hit song by gipsy pop-folk singer Illian.
Look at his eyes....
The procedure involves seeing the latest chalga video, followed immediatelly by a rush to the mall together with daddy's credit card to get the exact same clothes the singer wears in the video, only made from a lot cheaper fabric (but for the same price of course). Two hours are spent on make up after a day in the beauty shop and finally, our newborn "bat" is ready for a visit to the local chalga club with her equally "strong" gff's (which she actually despises) where all the girls are dressed and made-up for cheap thrills exactly like her.
Bulgarian "strong bats"/"yaki tupalki" before disco.
As for the Bulgarian lads, they have to do pretty much the same. Only they replace the beauty shop with steroid-filled workouts and leave the rest of dad's money for cheap vodka shots so they can seduce the "strong bats" and love them for a long time.. usually twenty minutes before they hit on another. This ofcourse leaves the dishonored "bat" in tears and desperate to call her boxer boyfriend to beat the shit out of that mean "machine".
This one is an uber-machine. He picks up a strong bat by simply staring.
You can find core chalga aesthetics in every R'n'B video ever, especially in Beyonce and Shakira's works. They seemingly share the strong bats' love for oriental rhythms and are obviously long-time Azis and Andrea fans. Though whether they consume rakia or mastica is indeed debateable.
Mityo Paynera, who, according to the rumors, headbangs viciously to bands like Sepultura and Slayer while running his quazi-porn empire, has managed to forge an unlikely union between the most homo and most hetero genres of music ever known to man (and no, no Rob Halford jokes here).
Andrea headlining Waken '08 with her awesome metal band.
Thanks to http://IMGur.com for the awesome pic hosting service!